Bad Night
Damn, not sleeping well. My neck is hurting pretty bad, all thanks to an ex of mine. He was abusive pulled me around by my hair so much I have chronic neck pain. My chiropractor said that my neck looks like a horrible case of whiplash, when he saw my xrays. The pain is a reminder of the asshole that caused it. I'm tired and it's affecting my thinking, nothing positive, I'm dwelling on life. Crying hard, want it so stop but my mind isn't giving me any rest. The thoughts race away. I feel like I'm living the life of another person. A few good days, and then it all turns to shit. Why is my fucking life like this, why can't I have peace that lasts more then a few days. It may be antidepressant time for me again. And damn it to hell, I was just at the pdocs a little over a week ago. I was taken off the Prozac during my hospital stay last June, they thought is was causing mixed episodes. I think it was a big mistake!!
I moved to VA in my 20's, I've lived in the same house now for 13 years. This is where I met the best friend that I've ever had in my life. I don't make friends easy. I was happy when we met and had things in common. Karen and I had fun together. Her daughter and my oldest son were the same age, so they played soccer together, went to the same daycare, played hard together. Karen was there when my youngest son was born. We were also party buddies. We tinkered with cocaine on occassion. The drugs weren't the only things we had in common though, there was alot more to our friendship. We loved each other dearly, loved one anothers kids with all our hearts.
I met the controlling asshole, and I fell hook line and sinker into a real dysfunctional and abusive relationship. He drove a wedge between the relationship Karen and I had. He drove a wedge between me and myself too. I lost my bestfriend, my self-esteem, self-confidence, parts of myself were chiseled away by abuse. I threw myself into my job and kids, it kept me sane, or so I thought. It seems like a bad dream when my mind wanders to THAT past. I miss my best friend. The tinkering of the drugs turned into full blown addiction for her, real bad, she lost everything. I wonder if I'll ever have a best friend again. She'd pull me out of the bed when I was real sad and drive me up to the parkway to look at the stars. Karen and I, we were soulmates. I've always felt that friends can be soulmates too, it's not just for married people.
I've been thinking that I need to get away. I need a reprieve of some sort. I want to be by myself for a while. I want to cry and not feel I have to give reason as to why. I want quiet....just quiet. No phones, no having to make too many decisions, no hassles. I need more time than I get now to gather my thoughts. I've got to catch up, I need time to catch up. I'm losing my will to fight and have to find it again. I don't know how to do it when I feel so overwhelmed so often. I not only miss my best friend, I miss myself.
I moved to VA in my 20's, I've lived in the same house now for 13 years. This is where I met the best friend that I've ever had in my life. I don't make friends easy. I was happy when we met and had things in common. Karen and I had fun together. Her daughter and my oldest son were the same age, so they played soccer together, went to the same daycare, played hard together. Karen was there when my youngest son was born. We were also party buddies. We tinkered with cocaine on occassion. The drugs weren't the only things we had in common though, there was alot more to our friendship. We loved each other dearly, loved one anothers kids with all our hearts.
I met the controlling asshole, and I fell hook line and sinker into a real dysfunctional and abusive relationship. He drove a wedge between the relationship Karen and I had. He drove a wedge between me and myself too. I lost my bestfriend, my self-esteem, self-confidence, parts of myself were chiseled away by abuse. I threw myself into my job and kids, it kept me sane, or so I thought. It seems like a bad dream when my mind wanders to THAT past. I miss my best friend. The tinkering of the drugs turned into full blown addiction for her, real bad, she lost everything. I wonder if I'll ever have a best friend again. She'd pull me out of the bed when I was real sad and drive me up to the parkway to look at the stars. Karen and I, we were soulmates. I've always felt that friends can be soulmates too, it's not just for married people.
I've been thinking that I need to get away. I need a reprieve of some sort. I want to be by myself for a while. I want to cry and not feel I have to give reason as to why. I want quiet....just quiet. No phones, no having to make too many decisions, no hassles. I need more time than I get now to gather my thoughts. I've got to catch up, I need time to catch up. I'm losing my will to fight and have to find it again. I don't know how to do it when I feel so overwhelmed so often. I not only miss my best friend, I miss myself.
Replies