Bad night

I talked to my mom today... I finaly told her how I felt about a lot of things.   It didn't end well, or maybe it did.  She hung up on me.  I...I don't know if I can do this any more.  I started to cry at work.  At work!  I can't cry in front of others!  I won't.  I started to punch myself in random places, the pain helped me think of something else.  Is hitting yourself better then cutting?  Or is it the samething?  I used to punch bags of ice, my hand would be covered in scrapes the bruises.  There was no ice at work, so I hit the next thing I could think of.  No one notices any of my bruises, they think I'm a clutz.  They think that because that's what I want them to think.  A smile hide so much.  It's the perfect mask.