Bad mood, not so great day
I am mumbling the f word under my breath.
Not just once, but over and over again.
Bad drivers on the road, f-n assholes.
Drive-thru at a local fast food place is closed? f-them.
Had to pick up groceries and got $20 cash back so my husband wouldn't know I took cash to go through the drive thru? f-him.
It is not my normal language, even to THINK the f word, so to say it out loud because I'm by myself in the car is highly unusual.
It's not been a horrible day, but I've got a bad attitude and I want to tell the whole world to leave me the f-ck alone.
But I have kids to care for.
The last 2 nights I've had dreams where I am trying to save myself and my son from drowning. One was that I was driving in familiar streets in my parents neighborhood when I crossed a busy street and the road I thought I was on was getting road work or being redeveloped. The houses were big and expensive and I tried to get out of the neighborhood and get back to the streets I knew. I ended up having to turn around and go back out the same winding twisty road. As I went down the twisting road the car was speeding up and there was water rising higher. I did not want to keep going but the momentum of the car was stronger than my brakes and we plunged into the water. I tried so hard to get my son above water.
The dream I had last night/this morning was also where water was coming in. We were at a pool or beach, I guess. We were on a lounger and there was a cover over it. Water was rushing towards everyone and we were all trying to take cover, but there I was with my little boy (who was an infant) and I was doing everything I could to keep his little face above the water.
I felt that the first dream was my depression and feeling out of control, unable to keep myself above water, let alone care for my little boy who has special needs. The older kids are capable of caring for themselves if needs be, but he needs me to be strong, to be healthy, to be mentally right. I feel as though I am failing him. How much further ahead would he be if I wasn't a f-ing mess?
So, I'm in an impatient, intolerant mood.
I'm so tired.
My eyes are twitching from caffeine in Excedrin.
I'd like to have a do-over of this day.
dea
Not just once, but over and over again.
Bad drivers on the road, f-n assholes.
Drive-thru at a local fast food place is closed? f-them.
Had to pick up groceries and got $20 cash back so my husband wouldn't know I took cash to go through the drive thru? f-him.
It is not my normal language, even to THINK the f word, so to say it out loud because I'm by myself in the car is highly unusual.
It's not been a horrible day, but I've got a bad attitude and I want to tell the whole world to leave me the f-ck alone.
But I have kids to care for.
The last 2 nights I've had dreams where I am trying to save myself and my son from drowning. One was that I was driving in familiar streets in my parents neighborhood when I crossed a busy street and the road I thought I was on was getting road work or being redeveloped. The houses were big and expensive and I tried to get out of the neighborhood and get back to the streets I knew. I ended up having to turn around and go back out the same winding twisty road. As I went down the twisting road the car was speeding up and there was water rising higher. I did not want to keep going but the momentum of the car was stronger than my brakes and we plunged into the water. I tried so hard to get my son above water.
The dream I had last night/this morning was also where water was coming in. We were at a pool or beach, I guess. We were on a lounger and there was a cover over it. Water was rushing towards everyone and we were all trying to take cover, but there I was with my little boy (who was an infant) and I was doing everything I could to keep his little face above the water.
I felt that the first dream was my depression and feeling out of control, unable to keep myself above water, let alone care for my little boy who has special needs. The older kids are capable of caring for themselves if needs be, but he needs me to be strong, to be healthy, to be mentally right. I feel as though I am failing him. How much further ahead would he be if I wasn't a f-ing mess?
So, I'm in an impatient, intolerant mood.
I'm so tired.
My eyes are twitching from caffeine in Excedrin.
I'd like to have a do-over of this day.
dea
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