Bad mood cropping up again

Yesterday night I was reading about alternative depression treatments and one was EMRD (something to do with eye movement therapy).  I got really scared because I was thinking that if the meds don't work what will I do.  Also I went to repair my uncle's car and I was thinking that I am not dealing with people as I used to deal with them when I wasn't suicidal. It really hurt me to think that was and see the rift between then and now and then I visualized nice scenes and I came to the same conclusion again.  Suicide is the best option.  I don't think I can heal my past, can anyone overcome suicidal thoughts.  I am having trouble to believe this. I feel that I am a dead meat nothing left in me.  My dad has crushed to and I have hit rock bottom.  I am very upset sad and disappointed.  I don't know how to deal with this.  My therapist is so afraid of death and dying that we don't talk about it.  It is diffcult.  I don't know what to do it kinds sucks.