Bad getting worse...
I hate this feeling.
It's like clinging to the edge of a cliff but feeling my fingers slowly slipping. It's this sense of dread and fear but also of resignation. I AM going to fall and there's little I can do about it.
What's worse is reaching out to my husband, desperate for his support, and finding only resentment and anger from him. How dare I be so weak? How dare I call upon him for nurturing and sensitivity and kindness? What's wrong with me that I should call out to him? And rather than seize the opportunity to bond and grow closer, he throws it in my face that I've "always had other people to turn to," even though HE is the one who chose to have a physical affair, lie to me, etc.
Yes. It's true. He left me alone and lonely and fending for myself emotionally so often that I would keep a bank of friends (male and female) to turn to when I got depressed or lonely or wanted to talk out problems or needed some brainstorming or just to share happy/good news. Because he was never around. He never had the time. And when I would try to pin him down, he'd at BEST offer up his time grudgingly with the intent to hurry me through it so we could move on to what HE wanted/needed/cared about. At worst, it would lead to screaming, yelling, ugly fights where he'd push me around, scream/spit in my face, and tell me what a burden I was for demanding so much from him.
You know. Things like hugs/cuddles when I was sad or an ear to bend when I was confused/frustrated/hurting about problems in my life.
How dare I?
So here I am. Stressed. Frustrated. Scared. Worried. The anxiety levels are on high. And I NEED someone to share this strain with - and that someone SHOULD be him. But instead, our conversations turn to arguments and I'm left alone and without support - as usual.
I have tried "coaching" him as to what I need. I have been begging for one-on-one time where we could just "get away" and relax and enjoy some time together. In three months time, we've been on one date. One. This compared to the once-a-month out of towners and almost weekly date nights that we were doing. Yeah, a LOT has been going on, and I realize that, but that's why I NEED this time with him. I bring it up and he gets angry and resentful and it turns into a fight.
So I'm back to wondering why I bother. I feel like I did the year before his affair. Resigned. Beaten down. Hopeless. All the progress I felt like we HAD made seems to have dissolved.
Or maybe I just imagined it.
It's like clinging to the edge of a cliff but feeling my fingers slowly slipping. It's this sense of dread and fear but also of resignation. I AM going to fall and there's little I can do about it.
What's worse is reaching out to my husband, desperate for his support, and finding only resentment and anger from him. How dare I be so weak? How dare I call upon him for nurturing and sensitivity and kindness? What's wrong with me that I should call out to him? And rather than seize the opportunity to bond and grow closer, he throws it in my face that I've "always had other people to turn to," even though HE is the one who chose to have a physical affair, lie to me, etc.
Yes. It's true. He left me alone and lonely and fending for myself emotionally so often that I would keep a bank of friends (male and female) to turn to when I got depressed or lonely or wanted to talk out problems or needed some brainstorming or just to share happy/good news. Because he was never around. He never had the time. And when I would try to pin him down, he'd at BEST offer up his time grudgingly with the intent to hurry me through it so we could move on to what HE wanted/needed/cared about. At worst, it would lead to screaming, yelling, ugly fights where he'd push me around, scream/spit in my face, and tell me what a burden I was for demanding so much from him.
You know. Things like hugs/cuddles when I was sad or an ear to bend when I was confused/frustrated/hurting about problems in my life.
How dare I?
So here I am. Stressed. Frustrated. Scared. Worried. The anxiety levels are on high. And I NEED someone to share this strain with - and that someone SHOULD be him. But instead, our conversations turn to arguments and I'm left alone and without support - as usual.
I have tried "coaching" him as to what I need. I have been begging for one-on-one time where we could just "get away" and relax and enjoy some time together. In three months time, we've been on one date. One. This compared to the once-a-month out of towners and almost weekly date nights that we were doing. Yeah, a LOT has been going on, and I realize that, but that's why I NEED this time with him. I bring it up and he gets angry and resentful and it turns into a fight.
So I'm back to wondering why I bother. I feel like I did the year before his affair. Resigned. Beaten down. Hopeless. All the progress I felt like we HAD made seems to have dissolved.
Or maybe I just imagined it.
Replies
I\'m sorry your feeling so low. You seem like you\'ve been having a rough timeately in general. I know where you are coming from. When my son needed drug treatment back in September my husband and I seem to drift and my needs and his needs were competing. It took months to get back on track.
Be patirnt and don\'t throw in the towel. Maybe getting back to counseling could help. In sure your daughters situation was extremely consuming for all and now selling the house.
Marriage goes through waves of good and bad. This will pass. You\'ve come too far.