Bad Friend...
I feel like such an awful friend. Some people's pregnancies hit me worse than others do. My BFF has two kids, but she was married long before I was and they're 8 and 5 now, so it doesn't bother me. My SIL's babies are my family, and I'm so close with them, so that doesn't bother me either. But some of my close girlfriends, who got married years after I did, keep announcing and it stings. My husbands two BFFs from college announced (one had her baby in January, and the other is due in a month) and I felt horrible and guilty and unworthy. I didn't go to their showers, and I actively avoid seeing them, which is bad. One of my dearest friends (I was in her wedding, she was in mine, etc) is pregnant. The day she told me, right before I joined on here, I was so depressed I started planning ways to end it all. I just couldn't take it. It was the straw that broke my back. I've had about two months to deal with it, but she just announced it publicly today, and I feel all the emotions all over again. A part of me HATES her stupid fertile ass, and every other friend on there who posts their damn ultrasounds and baby photos. A part of me wants to scream horrible things at them. Maybe I want them to hurt because their news hurt me, even though they didn't do it on purpose. Maybe I'm just projecting my own pain outward. Maybe I'm trying to justify my feelings of unworthiness by actually acting unworthy. I don't know what it is, exactly, but I hate hate HATE that they are happy and I'm still not. And I just can't smile and be happy for them. Some days, I'm NOT happy for them. I'm mad. I feel like their having a child means that our friendship has to end, which is probably the stupidest reason to end a friendship ever. I feel so selfish, but the smiles and presents and "EEEeeee! Congratulations!" are all a lie. All of this isn't me. Before the IF journey, people would say I was the most comforting, generous, giving, and happy cheerful jokester friend you could ever want! Now I'm just a bitter angry husk of a human being who can't even accept friends' happiness. I don't like this person. I don't like her at all.
Replies
I\'m so sorry that you feel this way :-( Big hugs to you! It makes me sad to see you so down, you usually try and have a positive view of things. I don\'t have anything to say to make you feel better. It\'s one of those realities that until we have what makes us happy, we can\'t do anything about it. Since my IF began, I have hated the person i\'ve become too. I always wanted to be the strong one, the one where people could say \"look at all she\'s went through, and she\'s handling it so well.\" But i\'m not. I\'m angry and bitter and pissy all the time. What I keep trying to tell myself is that I won\'t be this person forever, and if i haven\'t reached my goal yet, then I\'m allowed to feel openly the pain that i\'m feeling.
Thanks. Yeah, I think I\'m angrier at myself for feeling such horrible things and thinking such awful thoughts. This is not the person I truly am - the hormones and the emotions and the disappointments are just beating me down so hard. I\'ll be starting injections in a week for IVF and I think, deep down, I\'m so incredibly terrified that, if this doesn\'t work, then I\'m just so beyond hope, such an incredible failure...It\'s hard to look forward toward next time or toward tomorrow when everything in the past has been a big fat negative. I\'m so scared to get my hopes up, because I just don\'t know what I will do if they\'re dashed. Internally, I feel so bruised and battered, but I find the thought of quitting or taking a break even more unbearable. I wouldn\'t want to live with thoughts like \"What if that would\'ve been the time it worked?\" I\'ve also never been on BCPs before, and I\'ve been on them now for almost two weeks...I think this new cocktail\'s messing with my brain big time. Thankfully they\'ll be over soon...
I know exactly how you feel (not the IVF part, I have started that yet) but I get yelled at all the time for being negative and a debbie downer. Others don\'t understand that while it\'s supposedly better to think positive, there are all these negative reprocussions. I do still try. I tell everyone I\'m just being a realist, and I\'ll prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. That way I don\'t fall down so hard. But I question all the time if this is the right way to live...
Sweetie, you are SO not alone for feeling this way! I just had a friend comeover and announce her FOURTH pregnancy this past weekend, and I literally wanted to punch her! I can\'t stand to look at her or even think about her. I secretly wish bad things upon her. I couldn\'t even muster a smile. My response? \"for someone who never has sex, you sure do get pregnant alot!\" In my mind, she is evil. I\'ve cried in front of her, and she thought she should announce a pregnancy to ME? I am sure that when it goes public I will feel all the same hate over again. I have de-friended so many people on facebook that I joke that before long I will have 1 friend, my wife. The thing is, it\'s not really a joke.
I hope that you feel better soon. You are a wonderful woman who deserves all the happiness in the world! Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be hurt. It\'s ok . If you lose a friend over it, then maybe she wan\'t the friend you thought she was to start with.
BIG LOVING HUGS!!!!
Thanks ladies! I keep reminding myself that it\'s the hurt talking, not the me that everyone really knows is inside. I actually texted my sister-in-law last night (who is also friends with my friend I was mentioning) and told her \"I hate her and everyone else\'s stupid ugly fetuses. I hope they all come out looking like Gary Busey!\" She took it in stride, made it into a joke, and got me to laugh too. It\'s nice to have people like you guys and people like her who will listen to my absurd statements and not think I\'m some crazy bitch, and also realize that it\'s just a temporary venting...
hugs your not alone at all... I have actually been feeling pretty numb to everything the past few months, and today was the first time in a long time I have cried for the fact that i have not been able to... sometimes it becomes too much and yes as much as we are happy for them it still burns, at some point something has to give and it is often our own humanity that suffers not because we enjoy being \"ugly inside\" but because you give and give and give all you have until there is nothing left of you to give... hugs and hope things go better and know your feelings are not wrong in any way :)