I woke up early having bad dreams. Flashbacks really. Stuff I had forgotten. My mind piecing things together to make sense. Photographic memory spontaneously does that sometimes.
A few days ago my mom told me my niece called her. She hasn't had anything to do with us in years. Mom didn't send her a birthday card this year because she never heard from her. Who knows if she was even getting them? It worries me and makes me uncomfortable. My niece is a very dangerous sociopath and wouldn't just be calling to be nice. She has an angle.
Thinking about sociopaths led to thinking about my ex, as everything does. Sometimes I feel trapped in his house, like I still live there.
The flashbacks this morning were about my childhood, particularly teen years. I think the reason I think of my ex's house so much is because in some twisted way it was my happy, safe space. Even tho I endured abuse there, I stayed because I was happier and more free there than at home with my mom. I don't talk about the abuse from my mom much in detail because no one believes me.
This morning I was piecing together things in the flashbacks. Sometimes I feel like my brother and I weren't raised by the same people. I have a brother 10 years older than me and he always badmouths our dad. That person doesn't sound anything like the dad who raised me. And my brother always acts close to my mom, like she is a victim or something. But I see it the opposite. I see the facts, and my memories all involved my mom being an evil manipulative, physically abusive monster to me, and my dad protecting me from her. When he died I lost my only friend in the world and my brother wasn't there for me. He didn't even come to the funeral.
Anyway it's just strange. That came round to thinking of my niece again. Maybe some of what happened a few years ago was true. My brother is alot like my mom after all. Maybe he really was abusive to his daughter. But she isn't a good person either, so it's hard to know what to believe. If she needs help, idk why she would ask my mom. She is the monster who raised my brother.
Damned flashbacks on top of the day to day shit with my mom. IDK how I stand it. I want to move so bad. Very soon I plan to visit a neighbor who has some info for me that may help make some money from my farm. My uncle wants to buy 12 acres. Any of that money can go to a new house. I hope a new life. And I'm still nice enough to let her live in that shit house, just like dad did.