Bad Dreams

I woke up early having bad dreams. Flashbacks really. Stuff I had forgotten. My mind piecing things together to make sense. Photographic memory spontaneously does that sometimes.

A few days ago my mom told me my niece called her. She hasn't had anything to do with us in years. Mom didn't send her a birthday card this year because she never heard from her. Who knows if she was even getting them? It worries me and makes me uncomfortable. My niece is a very dangerous sociopath and wouldn't just be calling to be nice. She has an angle.

Thinking about sociopaths led to thinking about my ex, as everything does. Sometimes I feel trapped in his house, like I still live there.

The flashbacks this morning were about my childhood, particularly teen years. I think the reason I think of my ex's house so much is because in some twisted way it was my happy, safe space. Even tho I endured abuse there, I stayed because I was happier and more free there than at home with my mom. I don't talk about the abuse from my mom much in detail because no one believes me.

This morning I was piecing together things in the flashbacks. Sometimes I feel like my brother and I weren't raised by the same people. I have a brother 10 years older than me and he always badmouths our dad. That person doesn't sound anything like the dad who raised me. And my brother always acts close to my mom, like she is a victim or something. But I see it the opposite. I see the facts, and my memories all involved my mom being an evil manipulative, physically abusive monster to me, and my dad protecting me from her. When he died I lost my only friend in the world and my brother wasn't there for me. He didn't even come to the funeral.

Anyway it's just strange. That came round to thinking of my niece again. Maybe some of what happened a few years ago was true. My brother is alot like my mom after all. Maybe he really was abusive to his daughter. But she isn't a good person either, so it's hard to know what to believe. If she needs help, idk why she would ask my mom. She is the monster who raised my brother.

Damned flashbacks on top of the day to day shit with my mom. IDK how I stand it. I want to move so bad. Very soon I plan to visit a neighbor who has some info for me that may help make some money from my farm. My uncle wants to buy 12 acres. Any of that money can go to a new house. I hope a new life. And I'm still nice enough to let her live in that shit house, just like dad did.


Community Leaderbobinmaine

Usually when you have dreams like that, it is letting you know that there is something from your past in need of healing......some past trauma in need of forgiveness, so you can let it go....

I have been through something similar and once I acknowledged them and forgave myself as well as others, those memories were gone forever!

God Bless

Be careful with memories. We filter them. I'm older than you but it's incredible the amount of times my memory of things in childhood has been corrected by others. We filter them to suit our narrative (unconsciously)
Stay away from trouble some people. Her in particular.

Don't get hung up on moving. We have an expression in Ireland- wherever you are there you are. Different place - same you. We all fall into the trap of thinking a great life is just around the corner. You are alive. You are loved. You love others. That's all you need

I don't think I can forgive my niece for some of the stuff she has done. She isn't asking for forgiveness, she is asking us to buy into her delusions and fantasy world. It's different. She seems to forget that we found journal evidence of her plots and lies in her own handwriting, or that she had to spend court ordered time in a psych ward because of it.
As far as not living in the past I know. I try not to. It's hard when I'm getting to that age when most people have kids and when I think about it, it just triggers flashbacks and negative conversations from my mom and ex.
As far as forgiving my mom. I can't. She is my mom so I try to do for her what I think is right but she just gets so ridiculous, it's exhausting.

In my own healing journey, forgiveness is for my own healing needs and doesn't need to include an invitation to dinner, much less further abuse. I grow ever more convinced that resentment (non-forgiveness) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Healing hopes for all. No exceptions.

Just wondering here, but won't selling your uncle 12 acres make him your neighbor? Can you handle that?

Best wishes for finding a profit margin for your farm. 21st century economics are not kind to small farms. Are you trying to run it by yourself?

That pretty well hits the nail on the head arf. Just waiting for her to die so I can live my life while it slowly eats away at me everyday.
The house I bid on in March was right across the road from my uncle. This is the uncle I'm close to. I live on a separate acre from the farm. And the piece he wants is across the road from the rest.

Alas, that slow eating away all too easily grows into a long habit of resentment that doesn't stop *IF* the other person dies before the poison kills you. In the hands of mere mortals, forgiveness is not absolution for criminal and/or unethical behavior. It is finding peace in my own heart and life so that I can live a productively serene life, despite the injuries inflicted upon me.

So opineth The Arf. . . It was/is an important step in my own healing journey.

It is great to hear that you have at least one family member you can be close to.