Bad Decisions..
I fucked up. So bad.
I mean, I SERIOUSLY messed up this time. I did something the other day that I think I'm going to end up regretting for the rest of my life. It was a stupid, stupid mistake but now I can't ever undo it and am going to have to somehow live with it forever..
And the other thing that's pissing me off today - Don't tell me that praying or going to church will make things better for me. Just don't bother. You think that if there is an almighty, loving, caring God, he would do everything but kill me? I don't see how the hell I'm still alive. If there is a God, he seems determined to break me apart from the inside out. Every week the doctors are discovering problem after problem. Even though they've been better diagnoses lately, they just keep coming, And you think that this God would somehow just fix things all the sudden after all these years? You think that it's going to make me motivated to go to school when it hurts just to move at all?
And you people tell my best friend the same thing.. That somehow He is just going to magically fix all her problems, too. Even though she's been suicidal for years because of an abusive family, things are going to get better for us both as long as we devote our souls to your imaginary friend. That sounds totally plausible. -_-
I know all of my posts have been depressing lately, but I just feel like I have so much false hope. Things start to get better and then BAM some more bullshit happens.
I hate religion. I hate the world. I hate boys. I hate expectations. And I hate myself for what I've done..
I mean, I SERIOUSLY messed up this time. I did something the other day that I think I'm going to end up regretting for the rest of my life. It was a stupid, stupid mistake but now I can't ever undo it and am going to have to somehow live with it forever..
And the other thing that's pissing me off today - Don't tell me that praying or going to church will make things better for me. Just don't bother. You think that if there is an almighty, loving, caring God, he would do everything but kill me? I don't see how the hell I'm still alive. If there is a God, he seems determined to break me apart from the inside out. Every week the doctors are discovering problem after problem. Even though they've been better diagnoses lately, they just keep coming, And you think that this God would somehow just fix things all the sudden after all these years? You think that it's going to make me motivated to go to school when it hurts just to move at all?
And you people tell my best friend the same thing.. That somehow He is just going to magically fix all her problems, too. Even though she's been suicidal for years because of an abusive family, things are going to get better for us both as long as we devote our souls to your imaginary friend. That sounds totally plausible. -_-
I know all of my posts have been depressing lately, but I just feel like I have so much false hope. Things start to get better and then BAM some more bullshit happens.
I hate religion. I hate the world. I hate boys. I hate expectations. And I hate myself for what I've done..
Replies
you seem really distraught, I am so sorry. We all make mistakes. some not so bad and others that do change our lives. I know at your age I most definitely was very angry at God and felt he must not exsist because he wasn\'t helping me with all the terrible things I was going through. It hard, and I understand. you are really so young to go through some much illness, and now more and more diagnosis. It hard to see you ever having a life because your not really a child, you have hand over years where you should be having fun and just doing fun thing. I lost my childhood to abuse, neglect, and being a caretaker to my mother who was addicted to narcotics. It started when I was 12. Once I finally got of the house I got sick, I got chronic pain. I just wanted to be a teenager and do all the things I missed. I do believe in God, but I went through a long process of not wanting to have anything to do with him. I can glean from what you wrote that you have done something that you feel will ruin you for life, the worst mistake you\'ve are done. I hope you can share and understand that I won\'t judge you in any manner. I am not here to tell you what to believe. My thoughts will be with you. I can see that you are very angry. noting magically disappars. I am sorry that you are feeling so terrible.
Thank you. ings are going to get better, it\'s just a matter of waiting this all out until then..