Bad day dang it

Today I look at bank account and realized it is time to find a part time job to supplement my income or I will be in trouble.  I am so mad at you because I remember hounding you on getting this place paid off so I would be financially secure if something happen to you.  You just shrugged and poo pooed me and now I am here trying to live.  It makes me mad I listened to you, I look back & now I am thinking something was telling me something was wrong but I did not pick up on it.  When you refused to move so I could keep my career going I gave it up for you with the idea you said we would make do.  And now here I am scrimping when I would have had a better financial time of it.  Too late now but I want you to know I kick my ass for it. 
I took all your wildlife reports and GMAC things and they are going to be burnt.   I realized than a 30 yr career just down the drain, I wonder who gives a rats ass, it does not seem anyone does.  Especially your kids, they never once asked for your memorabilia from your career days, just anything with $$ value but than you raised them not me.  You once told me you guys did everything for the boys, sad, because you never taught them to give back to someone.  All of this is sad.
Not sure why I am crying today except this is not how it was supposed to go, and I am scared.  I am tired already of knowing its me - alone.  I do not want to give up anything more.  I want the part of me that is me left.  I pray it will work out, my Mom says not to worry it will work out. 
I went to go get hamburger but just turned around and left.  I just did not want to do in and do it alone.  I should have brought it home cause I am hungry & nothing seems good. 
Tyler having a tough time, he needed you so bad.  He is why I can not move from here for now, I kinda wish I could but do not know where in heavens name to go anyway.  I think thats my upset - I do not know what to do.
 
Please God give me a big large sign to show me.....