bad day and its still young

Argh! It's only lunch time and i've already eaten for oh um five members of the family?!?!  I'm having a shocker of a day, or two, or three. I've basically gone hunting for food and become so ravishing with it. It's horrible - I haven't purged but I so badly feel it would help. I remain, I wont' but I feel sick with suffering after affect of junk food.My body is sensitive to it but when you eat half a tub of ice cream for a snack you've got to know something isn't right. My tummy is so fat - i'm wearing baggy clothes now to hide my body and I really don't want my boyfriend to touch my body or see my body. He can see my legs and my shoulders and arms but that's it. It sounds silly but I feel utterly disgusting. The diet plan isn't working, I bought myself some detoxing tablets which I'll start tommorrow and i'll have quite a few days to deal with the come down from sugar (side affects such as headaches and stuff). That's okay, but I bought them today hoping to start it, and I went home and found the ice ccream I threw in the bin after a bad purchase to be back in the freezer and edible and so I went for it and ate the rest. I'm too terrified to weigh myself, actually when I tried to a few nights ago the scales wouldn't work haha (maybe i broke them?). I want to be slim. I want to look almost anorexic and that says soething wrong about me I know. I want a six pack more than anything and I want to feel attractive and confident from the inside out but that will help if I be less vain too. This should be a humbling experience but i feel like i'm shuvelling myself with dirt and burying myself underground. Maybe I should write a song about this... I dont know if I've got a health problem, or if it's all in my mind. I'm starting to get worried that it's not over and won't be until i'm a massive fatso. I guess I'll force myself back to a therapist and reading helpful books.. and somehow establish more of a social life if I can. I just feel so run down and that I am and will be awful company and i want to binge in a strange and destructive way and that keeps me alone I know.  Let's see.. what's going on inside my head -  I guess I do feel a little pushed aside by the boyfriend. He's got a new job which is fair enough, he's occupied with learning how to better himself at work skills and will be spending more time there. I feel like i spend money on him, buying him things and paying for petrol to drive an hour to see him and he doesn't come down to my place as often or buy me things. Maybe I'm being too demanding, yes that must be it.  I guess I'm bored because i'm on holidays and apart from work two days a week there's nothing i have to do or nowhere i really need to be. I have a performance I made myself say yes to tonight so that I wouldn't 'avoid' it. That's how i feel.. like i'm avoiding responsibility and life at the moment. I had to take on SO much responsibility for the funeral and caring for my uncle that i've just hit a point where i want to throw in the towel. I need to quit this silly attitude of feeling sorry for myself. I need to just do it - but the motivation must be lacking or something or i'm not doing this right. I know that there is noone to spoil me or take me out, or make me feel extra special but so what! That's not anyone's responsibility but when I try to do that for myself I just end up hiring out a movie and eating mamous amounts of junk food, riding a sugar high and laughing at a good comedy. When i reflect on this happening it makes me feel like my life is so hollow and shallow.  I mean, i don't expect to go and do community volunteering every other day but maybe it would be better than that activity and much more worthwhile use of my time. I feel i'm stuck in a place mentally where i've no mental energy to give - hence my entire flesh is affected, along wtih my mood and my ability to be productive.  I feel betrayed by the friends that I thought I had because they weren't there when I needed them. So basically I feel lonely and destructive upon myself because I feel I crave self gratification to kind of make amends to this.. It's a bit of a cycle actually. The more rejected I feel the more I eat and become slothful. I hate it and I'm not sure how to change - I'm not sure if the overeating is a sign of depression, laziness or lack of positive and pleasurble life fulfillment.. or all the above.