Bad days

Today was one of those two steps backward days. It went pretty good until I went to pick up my son from his eye doctors appt. My STBX was walking out of the doctors office with him and he went to get in the truck, she was just standing there looking at me. I'm am trying so hard to make this as easy on my son as I can but I just can't bring myself to look at her and smile or even nod my head at her. I can't even seem to acknowledge her presense because I feel like I'll fall back to when all of this first started and be a puddle of tears again. If I just cut her out of my life, my heart, and my soul then she doesn't have any power over me and can't hurt me anymore. I took the boy over to his open house at the school and had some ice cream with him. One of the teachers asked him "Where are you moving to" I just ignored it, I'm sure she didn't know what all has been going on, but it was like a dagger of pain in my heart. He picked up on my hurt right away and gave me a hug and said he loved me. We went over to check and see if his teacher was in and he was so we went in to talk to him and the STBX texted me that she was there and that she had directions to the soccer game on Sat. I said my hurried goodbyes and told his teacher his mom would be coming over to see him. We get out front and she is walking up to the school, when she see's us she starts walking right towards us. I sent Andrew ahead and told him I had to leave and made a beeline away from her. She gave Andrew the directions and he ran them over to me. I hadn't even wanted to take him because of this situation, him being embarrassed or uncomfortable being caught in the middle of this craziness. Again the self defense mechanism kicked in and I couldn't even bring myself to look at her, despite knowing that I could be hurting our son. If I deny her very existence than she can't hurt me anymore. I just keep wondering why I still hurt. Just wish we had a fast forward and we could get past the painfull times. But like the Pastor at church said at church "Don't waste the bad times feeling sorry for yourself" I/we need to move on be thankfull for the good things(my son) and not worry about the things that aren't important in our lives and the things we can't control(my wife). I hope everyone can find comfort and peace during our journeys and maybe someday we can look back and realize that whatever our trials and tribulations just doing the best you can regardless of the situation is all that can be expected of any of us. I hope my friends here and on DS know how much I value their support and I will always try to both be worthy of that and to return the grace you've all shown me.  Sorry this has been quite the novel. God Bless!

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

You show so much grace and courage under fire, S. You inspire me.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are such a wonderful person. The pain is hard, so hard to overcome. I hope we are able to overcome the grief and get through this. Your Pastor gave great insight. I try not to dwell on the bad and be thankful for the good. I know we can not always control the situations we are in. You are handling the situation as best as you can and you are being very strong for your son. I wish you the best and pray that this gets easier. Thank you for all of your support. I look foward to your words of encouragement each day. I know you truly care and I appreciate your kindness. Thank you!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Just be patient with yourself, you\'re in a survival mode and that\'s OK. You handled yourself with grace and dignity. There will come a day when the pain won\'t be so sharp. Sounds like your son loves you very much and is sensitive to your feelings. Just as we want to protect our children from pain they want to do so as well. I can look at my ex now and not feel all the hurt and betrayal, now it\'s a feeling almost of pity that he was so foolish and self centered. The blessings of our marriage were the two children we produced. I can remember the good times but I now have the self esteem to know I am worthy enough to deserve better.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are such an amazing person, you really are. I agree with everything that the others have said. It\'s so hard to rise above all the crap from STBX, but you are doing it, you are being the better person, and that is just awe inspiring! We love you and are always here for you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Don\'t worry about the novel. I love a good read!
You show amazing strength when dealing with your STBX. I know that having your son in the middle makes it all more important for you to make sure he\'s unaffected as possible. What a wonderful father you are for putting your son, who doesn\'t understand all that is happening, as number one priority!
Be kind to yourself and know that the pain will subside. It just takes a lot of time and a lot of tears to get to that point.
Big hugs!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Stay determined. The right path will find you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sounds like you are a devoted father. Divorce can be so painful, I understand why you can not look at her. It will take time to heal. You must be strong for your child! He needs a happy, healthy daddy~Take Care,Katie