Bad Bad Day

Just yesterday I was reassuring a friend who was feeling very low and in tears that there WAS A DEFINITE REASON she was put on this earth. She  was feeling very low and beaten down and not feeling worth the space she took up. I reminded her that I and many others would have been lost without her.... of all that she has done for others, and the reason why she and I are both more understanding and compassionate toward others is because of all the crap we have both put up with our dysfunctional backgrounds. 

Fast forward to today, when I am the one in tears. I go in my normal time. (I was actually going in early, but staying a bit later since more hours were finally approved for our dept.) This morning I swatted the clock too long and when I realized what time it was, I figured I would not make the 5:10 cutoff so decided to relax and just go for my scheduled 6 am. When I get there I say good morning to a coworker. (Perhaps she didn't hear me, but this happens often) I get no response.( Is the same with the other guy who is off for the day. ) Then the boss is on the rampage bitching about them changing their minds about the overtime and wanting the old guy to lose the extra hours he accumulated tomorrow. (Sat ends our work week)  Sats are always bad to begin with since I am doing a triple shot....helping with set up, catching up on wrapping and packaging as well as having to try to keep up with precut (which is very busy and moves fast and we have no back up to start since the girl we have only works half days. ) Boss made a comment how if Barry cuts out the 2 hrs he will be leaving at 11 am. Said when his time is up he is out the door too. When I made the comment "great, then I am the one who is fucked", he said. "Yes and next week he is taking 2 vacation days so I am really fucked."

Do you know how hard it is to go to work when I feel like the odd man out of the "clique"? Barely spoken to, the only one who even gives a shit about doing a decent job , I dread going in (but I need a paycheck and the customers do make my day ) Right now I am feeling so very down , tired and yes (if truth be known) I am realizing I am having a very rough time with depression lately. Every time I have a day off I plan on getting through more sorting and readying to move, and every day I do very little of it and feel guilty and just as stuck and overwhelmed as before.  I can't wait to come home, bawl my eyes out and grab whatever's quick. (Sadly I turn to food... ice cream especially, was always there when people are not. ) A friend did text me and talk me through that I at least feel a little better. But quite frankly just feel like curling up in a ball and disappearing. (If only it were that easy)