BAD BAD DAY
Rough day yesterday, another worse today. I am having a very hard time rethinking my decisions, regretting realizations I would .never get to share with my mom (most would have benefitted her ....as well as all other women in my famiy) before she would be gone. I lost her more than 4 decades ago.....a week before her 53rd birthday.
Spoke with hubby when I got home...explaining my funk. He was sympathetic (rarely happens). I had to come clean and tell him I was also worried he would fight me with the divorce. We talked. he asked me why would I want to be alone(Could not have explained how ALONE I am feeling now) Til all was said and done, I am questioning myself again. The attempts he is making, and the concerns (BIGFEAR for me) he brings up about it being so difficult for us both on our own strugling financially.
Don't know if it is guilt working again.....mefeeling sorry for myself....or fear is taking over.....?
I just wish i had someone to hold me tight and tell me it will all be allright. And that I could actually feel the love and all tht that entailed. Instead I just feel empty
Replies
Well what he says yes is true on difficult for either but in all of it you’re not feeling those feelings that you really want to feel of love and secure in that knowledge, no doubts. All great for him to lay out a map of the territory you find yourself in. Guess what? He’s bivouacked in the same area on that same map facing anything you’re looking at too but is he saying that? Or just that this is the situation for you. Give with more substance and not a thin fluid masquerading as gravy.
You know what's in your heart, remember that. Where you are is NOT where you want to be, and hasn't been for quite some time.
Yes, there will always be fears (some will be realized, some never will) that cause us to second guess ourselves. You're healthy, you're employed, you're smart, you're grounded (although your ground may feel shaky at times). You can make opportunities for yourself. Need more money? Try a second job. Have no place to live? Investigate rentals, buy a tiny house (lol). When we have lazy, uncommunicative, selfish, frightened stbx's, they often project their own fears onto us. You're the care taker type, so you're starting to feel you need to accept his fears, and take them on. Don't. Use your super warrior shield to let them bounce off of you and rightly back to him. He has to accept the consequences for his part of the failure of the marriage and move on himself. That's his deal. It's not ever you job to get him comfortable with the idea of divorce, or help him transition to a life without you. I tried that myself, and wasted so much time and energy on it that I ignored myself (again). No more!! Here's to hoping for a better day today!!
Thank you. They are all bad lately. But I do so appreciate encouragement instead of more doubt ...fear...I am going home to pull the covers up over my head.