BAD BAD DAY

I have come to realize it (IMO anyway) is good to open up and share with others. To know i am not alone, and that others are there to nudge me along.  (just as I will be to give them the support and courage they need to pick up and move on to a happier , more fullfilled life) was helping too.

i am so happy for those who do finally find that courage and start a new chapter, but at the same time I am realizing they will now move on. 

Coming from a dysfunctional family where i would suddenly lose my mom at 15 to be left with a father who would turn to alcohol instead of two young children ,two older siblings who were already out on their own.......Everyone IS gone. When i was growing up I was taught to take care of my own problems and not bother others.  I learned at an early age to survive without others.

I would wind up in counseling (or therapy) a few times throughout the years. i would also learn to open up and reach out and share with others.  this is how I wound up now so curious and overly chatty now.(just want to share and think someone does give a damn)

A few new friends are now happily on the road to their happier, healthier lives realizing their worth.  i am so very happy for them, but am dealing with that incredible ache as i now lose them too. (my original very special friend from a zillion miles away who was instrumental in convincing me i was special and did deserve so much more, and to be happy has come to think the work is all done and he also is becoming distant.

I AM THINKING IT MAY JUST BE EASIER TO RETREAT BACK TO THAT CLOSED OFF NUMB PERSON GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS.

I do realize part of this is that i am just starting a new med (antidepressant) so i am at a very low dosage to start and it hasn't had time to kick in.   this, coupled with these  losses is jus making for A VER BAD DAY.    :(