Back To The Routine

I went back to my therapist today.  She welcomed me back and wanted to know about the trip and I told her I didn’t want to talk about any instances.  It’s too painful although I should because it’s still within me and I need to get it out.  And she knows how badly I want to stop talking about this so much.  Once or twice she suggested the light bar but I told her, the second time that might not work - I do need to get it out with talking.  She understood and said we’ll do it with the tappers next time.  I asked her if she got it fixed.  She said it turned out it wasn’t really broken.  I teased by saying it was my powers.  She told me I don’t ever need to talk about instances if I don’t want to.  That was very nice.  See how she never “makes” me do anything.  I told her I’ll talk about the trip but not the other at least not now.  Maybe on Thursday we decided.  She did also say something about how this problem does not define me.  I take that as there is more to me than this problem I have – yes!  She told me I’m a world traveler.  She looked at me to look to see if I was tan.  I told her probably not too much.  I’ve had skin cancer on my face so I put that roll on sunscreen a lot.  But my shoulders got a little burnt and you can see my watch line.  I asked her how Ohio was.  Very nice.  And my kids survived without me babysitting?  Yes.  I told her my daughter said she saw them individually and then, finally – yeah, as a family.  I told her about my little grandson’s bee sting today and how he’s so much afraid of any kind of bugs and insects.  Like exposure for him and I really feel for him.  And, later I asked if my daughter recognized my worry box on the shelf.  No.  When we decided to keep it there until Thursday she asked if it’s OK if she recognizes it.  Yes.    First I read her the text messages my daughter sent me – 3 of them.  My middle son sent one but I didn’t get it.  I appreciated my daughter’s.  I told her the story about the nail polish.  That I hope I’ve raised my kids right to not lie, not to take things, to be honest.  And she felt guilty about taking it and told me.  And, she even said it on Facebook.  Also, how she often says her Mom – not her Mom and Dad.  In my bag I told her I bought her something and I had pictures.  I said how she got me through 3 trips – and a wedding!  She laughed.  I said how there were these beautifully painted items and I know she likes gardening and flowers.  So I pulled out the terra cotta painted holder/container with a lid and gave it to her.  She said it’s beautiful and yes, the loves flowers.  She thanked me.  She showed me the sunshine on the wall like this her partner gave her from Mexico and the turtle like this on the ground.    So I showed her pictures – lots of them – I just got them today.  I worked on editing them this weekend (lighter, darker, sharper).  That it would help me to talk about the trip and I did.  When we passed the ones with me in the swim suit I mumbled how she doesn’t need to see these.  She didn’t say anything.  And I did point out to her what that type of weather does to my hair.  I’ve told her before how it gets wavy.  She nodded yes.  I talked about how hot it was, what we did, were we went, how unhappy I was with my husband.  Before I showed her the pictures I told her how she’ll see happy, smiling pictures.  She said I get a lot of practice (sort of – she said that at first but then reworded it a little) with that.  Yes.  There’s a lot of pictures because I take a lot but also because I was bored and even took more.    The only thing I talked about was the bus to Chichen Itza.  I told her it was 3 ½ hours there and 3 ½ hours back (with dropping people on and off).  She wanted to know if there were bathrooms on it.  I told her at first we didn’t see them – at all.  I told her what I was going to do, first hesitating to tell her or not and then telling her.  The seats were very high and if I really needed to go, like it would have been their fault for not having bathrooms, I would have scooted up on the seat (showed her some) and just gone on the floor.  She acted like it would be all I could do.  I said how I just could have said something spilled.  I did also say at Chichen Itza there were only 2 bathrooms in the whole place and one was broken.  And in town, Playa Del Carmen, there were no public restrooms.  They were very hard to find (mentioned a little the hotel we did) and not very clean.  But I wouldn’t go on about it with any details.   They didn’t tell us anything for a long, long time on the bus.  Then he told us where the bathroom was and it was ½ way back and down some steps.  She said no one would ever know that.  No.  And when he told us I flew.  He even asked me later if I felt better.  Just what I needed – attention to it!  But other than that I really didn’t tell her about any incidences.  I said how it was in 3 languages and we had to listen to hear ours – but he was very good.  From looking at the pictures the first thing she commented it was one King bed.  Remember the incident 2 times ago with trying to change it to 2 doubles instead?  I told her yes, but we were close to everything (pool, beach, where we ate) – don’t know if they got my email or not.  I told her about the high pressure timeshare sales we had from this really cute French guy whom I wouldn’t tell him my religion and I know he lied.  He talked to me pretty much only and gave me a real hard time but I stood pat with my ‘no’.  But later, after he was nice and I had a normal conversation with him.  Playa Del Carmen has a cruise ship docking station.  She’s going to Belize and Cozumel (we could see it) and it’s Royal Caribbean and the massage therapist was Carnival and she left from Tampa and my therapist is leaving from Fort Lauderdale.    I said how hot it was.  90 -95 degrees with 85 – 90 percent humidity.  How our rooms were air conditioned but not much else.  It takes a lot for me to get hot but we were sweltering and even eating dripping with the hot food to get.  The food was great and the resort was beautiful.  The shows were really good.  The people were nice there but not many Americans with a language barrier so I couldn’t really make any “friends.”  Lots of wildlife.  My husband was like almost not there.  No fun, not much communication or hugging or anything.  Almost like he’s afraid and makes me concerned about my outgoingness and control and I don’t want to be like him like some people do when they are around them a lot.  She asked me if he’s changed since we were married.  Yes.  I even said to bring him in for a session and she said I can.  I said how everything was wet and damp there.  And I don’t sweat near as much as my husband does and he was really sweaty.  Even when we are walking here I hate for him to brush up against me because his arm is wet.  I told her how I hate that wet, damp feeling because of my problem.  She said, yes, it’s not a good sensation for me and understood it.  And how even my friend on Sunday (and she does, too) listens and asks questions and comments and my husband doesn’t.  Everything is ‘yeah’ and he doesn’t even know what nor does he comment, elaborate or talk about it.  When I say something he gets better but then goes back to the old behaviors.  Even at home he just watches TV or on the computer.  I’m a have fun type of person and I don’t need that at all.  She said something about his testosterone levels being low or depressed or something.  I did say he’s very good like carrying that heavy backpack all the time and I am grateful to have him but I wish things were different.  She empathetically said, “I know”.    I told her we should do the worry cards.  I needed to go to the bathroom and told her I’m just going to go.  I’m really out of practice with waiting and need to get back into it but not now.  She understood.  So I went, came back and I read them.  Last time I put them into 3 piles:  Yes, Maybe and No.  This time I put them into 3 piles:  Yes, I Don’t Want To Talk About It and No.  The ones I didn’t want to talk about we decided, when I was finished, were really yeses.  After she asked me what I wanted to do with the cards.  We decided to keep them there for Thursday and I’ll talk about what I didn’t want to talk about to pretend like it’s a splinter.  Good analogy.  She said if you get a splinter you have to take it out or it’ll get infected.  So we’ll do it, get it out and then we don’t have to talk about it any more.  Then we can move on to other things.  Yes.    I told her I still want to do the waiting because I haven’t been nor have I been drinking enough.  Even on the trip I drank but not enough.  When I had to go the urgency was there but I didn’t go very much.  She asked me why I thought so.  I said it was very concentrated.  She said to practice at home drinking more water and waiting.  Yes.  She said about my bladder being so much it can hold to it’s capacity or maybe some medical issues that we are trying to figure out.  When I said again about talking and not keeping it within I said how it all collects – all these incidents.  Like my collections I’d rather have my dolls and not this collection.  She said about getting rid of it and selling it like I do.  I said no – throw it all in the trash.    Getting back to the little cards.  I had 11 no’s – it didn’t happen that I was worried about.  I had 7 yes’s and I had 14 that I didn’t want to talk about (really yes’s we decided).  I again told her how they were degrees of worry.  Some just a little – like anyone would – and some big worries.  She kept all the cards and the box for next time.  I kept them in order.  She asked me if I’ve ever been on a vacation like this.  No.  It was not what I expected – especially the non air conditioning and all the open air places.  I told her how on the last morning – and I don’t sleep very well – I was so glad to go home.  Her message to me before I left was wonderful.  I said I tried to think what she said how greatfull I am for winning this trip and there must be some bigger and better reason it happened.  So I tried to think of that and have fun and be grateful.  She said that was really good and how sometimes we appreciate things more from this.  Yes.  It made me appreciate what I have and where I live because some places it’s very primitive and it’s there way of life.  She said they can’t even improve themselves like we can.  She said how El Salvador there was no air conditioning either.  She said I’m a survivor.  I told her she’s the survivor.  Yes.  I told her how I really enjoyed being in the last row of the airplane coming back.  At first I thought it may be bumpier but I had my IPod and listened to my music, sang loud because the plane was so noisy.  I really liked that.  No one could hear me but once in a while my husband thought I said something to him but I was just singing.  When it came to anything bad happening with the cards I said only my glasses with the beach ball (but my husband fixed them) and I got about 8-9 bites on my leg.  She said to bring a spare pair of glasses with me.  Her husband lost his glasses once in the ocean.    When it came to the card about getting into my shame mode or crabby, I didn’t do that It was more angry.  But we said yes to that card because it all goes with it.  I told her how customs in Mexico was easy.  There was a bathroom right there and I went and I had also just gone before I left the plane but I didn’t know when there would be another one.  In our city, though, at customs there were no bathrooms until you got through and we were the last row of the plane and the last ones to go through.  But no other details about it.  When I was writing the check out I told her about my Aunt and my cousin calling from Los Angeles the day I left.  I purposely called her to let her know when I’m going so she doesn’t worry if she calls and I don’t call back.  But they called thinking I’m stopping by on my way to Mexico.  One of my other cousins was just there – maybe she got us mixed up.  So I called her right away and told her we flew – we didn’t drive.  She said, “And you can’t stop by here on your way to Mexico?”  My therapist laughed.  I told her I had to explain to her it was on the other side – not the California side.  And, maybe 8 of us friends, or 4 of us, might go to Vegas, rent a car to get my son and go to LA.  She thought that’s great.  I told her we are just talking and it wouldn’t be until January or February.  So told me to enjoy my massage and I left.