Back to square one today
Ive been doing really well since Tuesday, but today I woke up and all the sadness, fear, and depression came flooding back. The flashbacks started again, when I close my eyes I can see my son looking at me the moments when I would tuck him in at night. That "I don't want to be here feeling" has come back and my broken heart is letting me feel the pain that I've set aside for the past few days while I was busy entertaining my visiting relatives. I hate my life without my son, my little boy Jon is all that ties me to this life. I'm clinging to my faith to keep me from acting on my impulses, but I feel like I'm slipping and not even god and catch me :(
Replies
Michelle,
Yes, glimpses of past memories all the time. It is a double edged sword. We want to keep them alive through memories, but don\'t want it to hurt so bad. Cling to your faith and your God lends you a child poem. An old boss told me that after the tragic accident killed one of her sons, his wife, and babies. She walked before me and gave me stones of gold to get through so far. Love to you and Jarrett. Give that little one an extra kiss from me. I miss kids from when I worked in the school system.
Take care, Leda
Yes, the pain is so very hard to deal with and having to meet the needs of your family I think makes it even more difficult. I lost my whole family, so that was never an issue I had to deal with. The depth of pain is an unpleasant surprise. But please don\'t act on your impulses, perhaps counseling might be something to look into so you can freely express what you feel and not turn the depression inward.
God can always catch us. He puts \"catchers\" in our lives. We cannot understand His Will (the why my child? why me?) but we just have to trust in Him anyway. Someday we will be given understanding but it usually is not in this life. It\'s hard to wait, but wait we must.
Hang in there, this is a long journey, my friend. Just remember this intense pain is not always going to be so very gut wrenching..it eases, mercifully, but realistically, it takes usually a good while. Love+Hugs, Donna