Back to school, maybe?
Lately life has been pretty hectic for me. I feel like I have been really taking control of my life and have made pretty huge decisions. I have already stated that I decided to go back to school. I have always wanted to work with kids, that's pretty much my dream so I decided to major in Early Childhood Education. After my birthday back in March I really started making moves. Signed up for financial aid and a grant, researched everything, made sure I knew what steps I had to take in order to get started. I signed up for Open House which was about 2 weeks ago. My Dad took me, and I could tell he was really excited to take me. The first of his children to go to college and what it seems like, his last.
I was so nervous about Open House.. I kept freaking myself out because I knew once I sign those papers that is it! No turning back. I have to commit myself 100% and not look back. It freaked me out.. So what do I do? I go out the night before and get trashed with my ex boyfriend, and friend. He ends up sleeping over and I got a whopping two hours of sleep. In the middle of the night I almost had a breakdown thinking about why I decided to get shitfaced the night before one of the important moments of my life. I felt like an idiot but I was too drunk to focus so I passed out. Alarm goes off and I sluggishly crawled out of bed to turn it off. I was still drunk.. My ex boyfriend was laying on my bed still asleep and I wondered what exactly is wrong with me for constantly back tracking. I had a slight moment of weakness where I contemplated blowing off the whole thing and going back to sleep. That's usually what I do.. Sabotage everything good in my life..
Most people would expect me to do that. That's what I have done in the past. Make promises then break them because I decided to get drunk. And that's exactly what I contemplated doing. I was about 10 seconds away from texting my Dad and telling him that I couldn't make it, or make up some glorious excuse as to why it was cancelled. For some reason... I couldn't do it.. Not only did my Dad quickly take off of work for this day, but he didn't think twice. Usually when I ask him to come with me somewhere he always has to "get back to me" because he lives a very busy life. Lately, things have changed. He wants me to come over more and spend nights. He keeps in touch more. And when I told him about going back to school he was really happy. He was really looking forward to this day. So, drunk or not I had to make it!
I stumbled around my room as my ex started to wake up. I told him he needs to leave unless he wants to meet my Dad so he quickly jumped out of bed and found his shoes. After letting him out I ran around my room like a chicken with it's head cut off as I tried to avoid my Mom's question as to why my ex slept over. I threw a Gatorade in the freezer and jumped in the shower. I couldn't believe how I felt... I honestly felt drunk. Well, I guess that would be a normal feeling after two bottles of wine and a 12 pack of beer. Smh, what an idiot I am.. I got dressed extremely sick and went to work on my makeup hoping to not look like a hungover wreck. (You could always tell in a woman's face how hungover she is.) My Dad arrived shortly after so I threw on my Hollywood sunglasses, grabbed my blazer, and headed for the door.
My Dad knew 5 minutes into driving that I was out late. Sometimes I feel like he expects this kind of behavior. It made me feel like an idiot, and I deserved it. We drove into the city, parked at his job, and took the train one stop where my future school is. I was so lightheaded, uncomfortable, and tired. I basically dragged myself there. Thank God it was beautiful out. I couldn't tell you how disappointed I was in myself. I ruined the entire day. I still got through it in one piece. I went through the tour and got to know a little about the school and so far I loved it. But, I couldn't ENJOY it. I couldn't take it all in because I was half alive. I could tell my Dad was disappointed too.. He didn't show it, but I knew.. Afterwards we went to a drive through to get food and he drove me home. If I wasn't so hungover we would have taken our own tour around the school, then went out to a nice restaurant, talked a bit, then got coffee before he drove me home. It would have been such a memorable day but it didn't happen because I fucked it all up. I fucked it all up like I always do...
My friend says I am being too hard on myself.. She says I have already proved some sort of change by deciding to get OUT of bed and taking care of business rather than doing the norm and giving up. She says no one is perfect and look at all the changes I have already made. Like quitting smoking. Not drinking liquor 5 times a week. Not partying 24/7. Cutting people out of my life that are toxic. What she doesn't realize is that I am still self sabotaging. I feel like I am slowly crawling back to who I used to be. I stopped dieting and eating right. I am not working out at all. I am starting to overindulge in drinking wine and beer. And now, I am hooking up with my ex. What's next? This is classic Crystal behavior. When things go wrong in my life I "heal" myself with things that I convince myself will take away the pain.. But it never does..
I'm getting ahead of myself... Back to the story:
So, apparently all I have to do is pay a $65 registration fee then they can process all the information that I wasn't able to do until tomorrow. The other day I called my school and they informed me that there is a big change I won't be able to attend Fall semester in August because of the large amount of admissions already sent it. They told me the deadline was February 1st, but they are still taking applications. If by chance I can't attend, I would have to wait until Spring 2014 which starts in January. Not to mention that they can't do anything until I send them a copy of my diploma/transcript. I almost burst into tears after hanging up the phone. Spring 2014? That's another 9 months!! What am I to do until then? I had a plan, and plans make me happy. They keep me positive, and when something goes wrong it breaks me in two... I was devastated...
Now, usually I would say fuck this, and give up. I would say what's the point in paying now for a semester I might not attend? Then I would make up some great excuses for my parents and they would shake their heads and say "I knew this would happen." Then I would leave my house, get trashed, and have sex with someone to make myself "feel better" then slowly fall into a sea of depression. I was NOT about to let myself go back to THAT PERSON. I have been slipping lately and that shit needed to stop! So, I jumped on my computer, researched everything I needed, printed out some forms, filled them out, wrote a check, and mailed it. Tomorrow I pay my registration fee, make sure I have EVERYTHING in order, and Monday I call the school again. I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure I get in that school come August. And if I can't attend, then I will suck it up and wait for January. At least I can say I did everything in my power. I can say I tried my hardest...
I have been bottling up a lot lately. With my heart being broken to pieces, my Dad's health getting worse, my best friend planning to move to PA, and being stuck at home with no job, I have been a wreck. I caught myself slowly going back to the old me, and I cannot let that happen.. I cannot go back to that person.. I am going to try my hardest to do right in my life.. I cannot give up.. Not this time, and not anymore.. I am ready to move on..
I was so nervous about Open House.. I kept freaking myself out because I knew once I sign those papers that is it! No turning back. I have to commit myself 100% and not look back. It freaked me out.. So what do I do? I go out the night before and get trashed with my ex boyfriend, and friend. He ends up sleeping over and I got a whopping two hours of sleep. In the middle of the night I almost had a breakdown thinking about why I decided to get shitfaced the night before one of the important moments of my life. I felt like an idiot but I was too drunk to focus so I passed out. Alarm goes off and I sluggishly crawled out of bed to turn it off. I was still drunk.. My ex boyfriend was laying on my bed still asleep and I wondered what exactly is wrong with me for constantly back tracking. I had a slight moment of weakness where I contemplated blowing off the whole thing and going back to sleep. That's usually what I do.. Sabotage everything good in my life..
Most people would expect me to do that. That's what I have done in the past. Make promises then break them because I decided to get drunk. And that's exactly what I contemplated doing. I was about 10 seconds away from texting my Dad and telling him that I couldn't make it, or make up some glorious excuse as to why it was cancelled. For some reason... I couldn't do it.. Not only did my Dad quickly take off of work for this day, but he didn't think twice. Usually when I ask him to come with me somewhere he always has to "get back to me" because he lives a very busy life. Lately, things have changed. He wants me to come over more and spend nights. He keeps in touch more. And when I told him about going back to school he was really happy. He was really looking forward to this day. So, drunk or not I had to make it!
I stumbled around my room as my ex started to wake up. I told him he needs to leave unless he wants to meet my Dad so he quickly jumped out of bed and found his shoes. After letting him out I ran around my room like a chicken with it's head cut off as I tried to avoid my Mom's question as to why my ex slept over. I threw a Gatorade in the freezer and jumped in the shower. I couldn't believe how I felt... I honestly felt drunk. Well, I guess that would be a normal feeling after two bottles of wine and a 12 pack of beer. Smh, what an idiot I am.. I got dressed extremely sick and went to work on my makeup hoping to not look like a hungover wreck. (You could always tell in a woman's face how hungover she is.) My Dad arrived shortly after so I threw on my Hollywood sunglasses, grabbed my blazer, and headed for the door.
My Dad knew 5 minutes into driving that I was out late. Sometimes I feel like he expects this kind of behavior. It made me feel like an idiot, and I deserved it. We drove into the city, parked at his job, and took the train one stop where my future school is. I was so lightheaded, uncomfortable, and tired. I basically dragged myself there. Thank God it was beautiful out. I couldn't tell you how disappointed I was in myself. I ruined the entire day. I still got through it in one piece. I went through the tour and got to know a little about the school and so far I loved it. But, I couldn't ENJOY it. I couldn't take it all in because I was half alive. I could tell my Dad was disappointed too.. He didn't show it, but I knew.. Afterwards we went to a drive through to get food and he drove me home. If I wasn't so hungover we would have taken our own tour around the school, then went out to a nice restaurant, talked a bit, then got coffee before he drove me home. It would have been such a memorable day but it didn't happen because I fucked it all up. I fucked it all up like I always do...
My friend says I am being too hard on myself.. She says I have already proved some sort of change by deciding to get OUT of bed and taking care of business rather than doing the norm and giving up. She says no one is perfect and look at all the changes I have already made. Like quitting smoking. Not drinking liquor 5 times a week. Not partying 24/7. Cutting people out of my life that are toxic. What she doesn't realize is that I am still self sabotaging. I feel like I am slowly crawling back to who I used to be. I stopped dieting and eating right. I am not working out at all. I am starting to overindulge in drinking wine and beer. And now, I am hooking up with my ex. What's next? This is classic Crystal behavior. When things go wrong in my life I "heal" myself with things that I convince myself will take away the pain.. But it never does..
I'm getting ahead of myself... Back to the story:
So, apparently all I have to do is pay a $65 registration fee then they can process all the information that I wasn't able to do until tomorrow. The other day I called my school and they informed me that there is a big change I won't be able to attend Fall semester in August because of the large amount of admissions already sent it. They told me the deadline was February 1st, but they are still taking applications. If by chance I can't attend, I would have to wait until Spring 2014 which starts in January. Not to mention that they can't do anything until I send them a copy of my diploma/transcript. I almost burst into tears after hanging up the phone. Spring 2014? That's another 9 months!! What am I to do until then? I had a plan, and plans make me happy. They keep me positive, and when something goes wrong it breaks me in two... I was devastated...
Now, usually I would say fuck this, and give up. I would say what's the point in paying now for a semester I might not attend? Then I would make up some great excuses for my parents and they would shake their heads and say "I knew this would happen." Then I would leave my house, get trashed, and have sex with someone to make myself "feel better" then slowly fall into a sea of depression. I was NOT about to let myself go back to THAT PERSON. I have been slipping lately and that shit needed to stop! So, I jumped on my computer, researched everything I needed, printed out some forms, filled them out, wrote a check, and mailed it. Tomorrow I pay my registration fee, make sure I have EVERYTHING in order, and Monday I call the school again. I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure I get in that school come August. And if I can't attend, then I will suck it up and wait for January. At least I can say I did everything in my power. I can say I tried my hardest...
I have been bottling up a lot lately. With my heart being broken to pieces, my Dad's health getting worse, my best friend planning to move to PA, and being stuck at home with no job, I have been a wreck. I caught myself slowly going back to the old me, and I cannot let that happen.. I cannot go back to that person.. I am going to try my hardest to do right in my life.. I cannot give up.. Not this time, and not anymore.. I am ready to move on..
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