Back to school...

Well, both my kids and my step son are back to school now! 2 of them are in college at varying levels, and one is in 3rd grade as of today.
Still not sure how I am supposed to be doing with this. Mom has always been the BTS coordinator for our little family unit, and she is conspiculosly missing this year. I pray my 3rd grader doesn't get a barrage of questions about where Grandma is, as all the school staff knew Grandma Jean, but not all of them know she was called home in April. I prayed for Josie to be blanketed by her faith, and that she could talk about it if she had to without the pain I have each time I have to talk about it.  
My little girl is so very strong in her faith and she amazes me every day! She's always been a very strong child. She knows what she knows to be true because it just is. She doesn't question it. Ah the innocence of youth! :) I am not quite in her league, but have been molded by the world, so I shouldn't expect we'd be in the same place exactly.
Things are moving along and I can dig in my heals and say I'm not coming along, but it won't stop the progression of things. I just have to accept that. We are putting Josie in Latchkey this year for the first time ever. It's really ok, a great program and all. I wish it was a choice and not a necessity. Mom was Josie's only babysitter since birth! I knew nothing could happen to mess that up! I KNEW that. Jokes on me I guess. For the past 3 years, Josie begged to be in Latchkey. She got her wish, but it's kind of bittersweet for her too. She got all sad about it last night when we talked about it! I really wish I could help her more, but I am also hurting so badly, I can't be as much support as I want to be. The stiff upper lip only works when I can't see my baby and her pain.
Same with her big brother. I don't know if I've shared this with any of you, but The last one of us to touch Mom was my son. He tried to wake her up to talk to my brother. She wasn't responding so he laid her back in her recliner and made sure her airway was clear and she could breathe. He held her and talked to her while he told his Dad to call 911 and me at work. He gently lifted her eyelids and watched her eyes dilate and watched her brain die. He held her and talked to her softly as they waited for the EMTs and the ambulance. They were at the house in 2 minutes and I was there in 3. They wouldn't let me go in the house at all and I nearly fainted when they brought her to the ambulance. I could see she was gone. My son got in the van with me and we went to the hospital. We were told not to follow the ambulance. He wouldn't leave my side until he knew I was safe where I was. His bud met us at the ER and they walked ouside for a bit. They needed to talk. His buddy was mom's Godson. 
My son, Alec, stayed with me overnight at the hospital. My future daughter in law did too, as did Mom's older baby brother. We brought my Grandma in from the Nursing home to privately say good bye to her daughter. I have to say it was the hardest thing to do I have ever done and I could never have gotten through it without them. We're an odd bunch who aren't as close as we used to be, but when the need is there, we're there too! My poor brother, Andy, tried desperately to get to us before her body gave out. The best we could do was to have him on the phone to talk to her overnight and when they took her off the vent. No heroic measures meant they struggled keeping her blood pressure up. A sign of the massive bleed that drowned her brain so very quickly. She wanted to donate organs, but couldn't because of the damage that caused to her tissues. She got to help 2 people see though and I believe the rest of her eyeballs have been studied now! Her corneas were donated to help folks see though! She'd have been happy for that I guess.
I feel very guilty that I couldn't keep her going longer.
Well. School's out and Josie should be here any minute now. Gotta run! More soon.