BACK ONLINE

  Helllo everyone, it has been so long. We are back online now. It will take me a while to get through everyones journals and i need to downsize some, have been downsizing everything as it was taking too much of my life to keep up with everything. We have moved into town, a much smaller house, not exactly by choice but we were renting and the owner decided to tear the house down, a fact we were told around Suzette's angel date which of course added to my downfall, but we are now buying so I have adjusted. I downsized all household things getting rid of most of my stuff to allow room for her things, I was not ready to go through her things yet but the owner allowed plenty of time and i slowly got through it. I was also put on more meds and that seems to be helping, whether it helps or just lulls me through the day I'm not sure but i am getting through the days. It feels so wrong to be in a smaller house that doesn't even have a room for her but.....     The boys are doing well, Stephen did his summer collage program again and i got through it with only making him call everyother day instead of 2x aday as last year-yea me. David got through the summer being very bored as he now has "the most overprotective mom ever", imagine being in town and i won't let him run all over. School is back in and we are hoping to get DSavid out of court system(too many bus write ups and the school took him to court), I think it was t5he wake up i needed to get me more on track with him, but we hace DCFS that comes over now and we had to take parenting classes, which when askede by both why we were there as our parenting skills seemed good, my answer simply too absorbed in grief to do what was needed.  Stephen has his driving permit and has been driving with his dad as i can not bring myself to do it, is also wanting to ride with friends who have licenses and all i see is a dejavu.    I have been coping, going to the monthly support meetings, counsling, psyc dr and still wondering when i will wake up from this awfull dream. We celebrated her 20th b-day last Tues, the second without her. we meet some of her friends at the park and had cake(a beautiful cake her friend got) and released 20 balloons for her, it was suggested we put our add on them and see where they end up and that is an idea i would like to try sometime but for now i need the idea that they are going to her and not know they landed where ever. I will load some pics of that when i get done here.   I have also had to cut ties with the mother od Suzette's godson(Cassie). It was discovered through the in-laws that she had slept with my sisters husband the nite of the funeral, then when i confronted her she took the "i was drunk and don't remember so it wasn't my fault" which did not sit well with me. My sister(the one that stayed with us) found out via myspace as her hubby was talking to Cassie on her(my sisters)myspace and not deleting as he was told the child Cassie had 11 1/2 mos after was his by my in-laws. In an effort to turn my sisters attention away from herself she repeated some very nasty untrue rumors about me and added her own "Everytime I go there she(me) sucks me into her grief. She is not grieving anymore. She had a terrible loss and it will always stay with her but I think she is useing it as an excuse. Everyone has good and bad days." I swear straight from the e-mail as my sis felt i should see and sent copy. This all also came about around angel date, and my hubby was also very sick with strep throught and i got this call from sis on way back from hosp. with hubby. So needless to say I had plenty of reasons to go a little crazy and it has taken me this long to get back to some sort on normalsy, which has to do with my downsizing everything, and it was very hard to be ok with shutting Cassie, and therfore Aaron also, from my life, it was very hard to convince myself i needn't waste my energy on people who feel that way even if it means lossing Suzette's godson in the process.   I am struggling with another friend of Suzete's who has a 7 mo. old (named Kisslyn Suzette) and just had the 2nd angel date of her mothers, she is so open to needing a serrogot(sp?), and i to a serrogot(sp?) daughter that it is hard not to open my arms and take them in my heart, i am being very carefull to keep boundries for myself. In other news, I don't k now if I've ever mentioned that between Suzette's parents and step-parnts she has 7 brothers, the last b orn to her father and step mother on her b-day aug 18,2007. All she ever wanted was a sister, and her father had not been in her life from 1 yr to 16 when she contacted him, now her father and step-mother are expecting a girl, why does he get a second chance at a daughter.    ok pity party over I am so gratefull to everyone who has hung in with me and as i catch up on journals i will be downsizing friends so if i delete you please don't be upset and give me a friends request again.                                                Still waiten on that time machine                                                      luv and hugs-lauri