Back in the Saddle Again?
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Im feeling: Horrible
Horrible
Trying to convince myself to go to sleep
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edit So that goal I had five years ago? The opposite happened. Saturday, May 16, 2015
This has to stop.
UPDATED GOALS
Lose 70 pounds!
Progress 5%
Current Weight (Lbs)
300
Encouragements: 0
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edit Lost about 5 pounds and have kept it off so far! Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The title says it all! Hopefully I just don't blow it!
UPDATED GOALS
Lose 70 pounds!
Progress 5%
Current Weight (Lbs)
225
Encouragements: 0
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Well, it's been a while. I've been trying to keep a moodtracker going since 2010 but I'm really patchy about it now, and it's not that useful anyway because it's all edited for my mother's consumption. I don't know what to do anymore. I got off of psych medication and started feeling really pretty great, but now I can't sleep. Turns out I have horrible sleep apnea, so now I'm on a CPAP, and that 's helping me STAY asleep, but not fall asleep or go to bed. I've developed a pretty bad complex about going to bed because my mind always starts racing and I start feeling worse and worse. Sleep medication doesn't help. Melatonin doesn't help. Anxiety medication sort of helps, but I'm only supposed to take it once in a while because it's addictive. I'm not functional, and I don't want to be here anymore. That's all there is to it. I've been on this six year long mental health saga, and here I am after having gained so much ground just sitting up at night wanting to die again. I haven't hurt myself in maybe a year, no suicide attempts or anything. Really I'm doing much better than before and I don't want to go back on psych meds because they made me stupid and fuzzy. I just want to be able to sleep like a normal human being and start to make up my horrendous sleep debt. And again, the CPAP has definitely helped - I'm not so tired I'm seeing things out of the corners of my eyes now - but I'm still miserable and still not functioning. I stay up so late my head aches and I get nauseous. I can't do this anymore. I'm not sure what else to try. The only thing that consistently works is when my fiancee tucks me in and stays with me until I fall asleep, but he has to work, so it's just not practical most of the time. I'm just at the point that.... will the rest of my life really be worth all of this struggle and work? And oddly enough, now, even though all of my friends know about my struggles and are very supportive, I feel more lonely now than when things began. Many of my main supports have children now - I can't wake them up at ungodly hours. Everyone has Big Kid jobs that they can't lose sleep for. And the people that I could probably still call are the people I've relied too heavily on in the past. I simply wont inconvenience them again. They have their own shit going on. Should I call my fiancee down here again for the third time this week? He'll just fall asleep on me, and I'll end up alone anyway. There is no one that can help me and I don't know what to do. I can't do this alone, but I'm the only one here. The old familiar coat of self loathing is settling down on my shoulders again, after I thought I had gotten rid of it. Medication that will inhibit my thinking is not acceptable to me. It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me easier for other people to deal with. I still hate everything inside, I'm just too confused to talk about it or do anything about it. That's not living, and neither is this. I have always valued my intelligence as one of my best attributes, probably second only to empathy, and losing it is not worth it to me. I'd rather be smart and sad sometimes. The scary thing this time around is I'm actually able to conceptualize what my suicide would do to my family and friends. I don't have the luxury this time of being thoroughly convinced that life would go on just fine without me. But this time I don't care.
Im feeling: Horrible
Horrible
Trying to convince myself to go to sleep
Edit Status
edit My Profile
write My Journal
My Friends
My Messages
My Hugbook
My Photos
My Account
My Support Groups
Trichotillomania (Hair...
Self-Injury
Healthy Eating
Obesity
Obsessive Compulsive D...
Diets & Weight Mainten...
My Goals
Lose 70 pounds!
My Groups
Join a Group
More DailyStrength
Health Event CalendarSee what's new on the site
Step-by-step TutorialsHow to use DailyStrength
We're on FacebookCheck out our page
Follow us on TwitterRead our tweets
Get Cool DS Stuff!!!!!Shirts, Hats, Baby Wear
Subscribe
|
My Profile
|
Write a New Entry
Journal
edit So that goal I had five years ago? The opposite happened. Saturday, May 16, 2015
This has to stop.
UPDATED GOALS
Lose 70 pounds!
Progress 5%
Current Weight (Lbs)
300
Encouragements: 0
Send to a Friend Share This
RATE THIS ENTRY:
Inspirational
Moving
Helpful
Creative
Enter a comment here
Report Abuse
edit Lost about 5 pounds and have kept it off so far! Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The title says it all! Hopefully I just don't blow it!
UPDATED GOALS
Lose 70 pounds!
Progress 5%
Current Weight (Lbs)
225
Encouragements: 0
Send to a Friend Share This
RATE THIS ENTRY:
Inspirational
Moving
Helpful
Creative
Comments
remove
Well, it's been a while. I've been trying to keep a moodtracker going since 2010 but I'm really patchy about it now, and it's not that useful anyway because it's all edited for my mother's consumption. I don't know what to do anymore. I got off of psych medication and started feeling really pretty great, but now I can't sleep. Turns out I have horrible sleep apnea, so now I'm on a CPAP, and that 's helping me STAY asleep, but not fall asleep or go to bed. I've developed a pretty bad complex about going to bed because my mind always starts racing and I start feeling worse and worse. Sleep medication doesn't help. Melatonin doesn't help. Anxiety medication sort of helps, but I'm only supposed to take it once in a while because it's addictive. I'm not functional, and I don't want to be here anymore. That's all there is to it. I've been on this six year long mental health saga, and here I am after having gained so much ground just sitting up at night wanting to die again. I haven't hurt myself in maybe a year, no suicide attempts or anything. Really I'm doing much better than before and I don't want to go back on psych meds because they made me stupid and fuzzy. I just want to be able to sleep like a normal human being and start to make up my horrendous sleep debt. And again, the CPAP has definitely helped - I'm not so tired I'm seeing things out of the corners of my eyes now - but I'm still miserable and still not functioning. I stay up so late my head aches and I get nauseous. I can't do this anymore. I'm not sure what else to try. The only thing that consistently works is when my fiancee tucks me in and stays with me until I fall asleep, but he has to work, so it's just not practical most of the time. I'm just at the point that.... will the rest of my life really be worth all of this struggle and work? And oddly enough, now, even though all of my friends know about my struggles and are very supportive, I feel more lonely now than when things began. Many of my main supports have children now - I can't wake them up at ungodly hours. Everyone has Big Kid jobs that they can't lose sleep for. And the people that I could probably still call are the people I've relied too heavily on in the past. I simply wont inconvenience them again. They have their own shit going on. Should I call my fiancee down here again for the third time this week? He'll just fall asleep on me, and I'll end up alone anyway. There is no one that can help me and I don't know what to do. I can't do this alone, but I'm the only one here. The old familiar coat of self loathing is settling down on my shoulders again, after I thought I had gotten rid of it. Medication that will inhibit my thinking is not acceptable to me. It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me easier for other people to deal with. I still hate everything inside, I'm just too confused to talk about it or do anything about it. That's not living, and neither is this. I have always valued my intelligence as one of my best attributes, probably second only to empathy, and losing it is not worth it to me. I'd rather be smart and sad sometimes. The scary thing this time around is I'm actually able to conceptualize what my suicide would do to my family and friends. I don't have the luxury this time of being thoroughly convinced that life would go on just fine without me. But this time I don't care.
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