Back in the deep end
I am home here sat up in bed, yet I feel like a terminally ill patient on a hospital ward.
I have chosen not to use the experimental treatment available to me, yet you'd think I would seeing as circumstances appear so dire. The reality is, I have come to understand why I am the way I am quite well, and why I fall in the deep end so often. No amount of pills would help to change what I find so threatening about the world I've come to know. The conditioning I've gone through, and continue to keep up is a strong bond - never been able to be broken, but occasionally it shrinks in size enough to feel more of what life has to offer.
The child inside me is still needing much in the way of healing, and the adult that I am needs to nurtured in how to function properly as one.
I have hope, for I've seen the power of what people call love can do. I've seen the beauty in how this world can allow it's occupants to be. I may be in my sick bed, yet I'll know again what it means to be well.
I have chosen not to use the experimental treatment available to me, yet you'd think I would seeing as circumstances appear so dire. The reality is, I have come to understand why I am the way I am quite well, and why I fall in the deep end so often. No amount of pills would help to change what I find so threatening about the world I've come to know. The conditioning I've gone through, and continue to keep up is a strong bond - never been able to be broken, but occasionally it shrinks in size enough to feel more of what life has to offer.
The child inside me is still needing much in the way of healing, and the adult that I am needs to nurtured in how to function properly as one.
I have hope, for I've seen the power of what people call love can do. I've seen the beauty in how this world can allow it's occupants to be. I may be in my sick bed, yet I'll know again what it means to be well.
Replies
it gets really tiring? (spelling) going up and down all the time...I think it\'s true what you said about knowing you will feel well again and it\'s true...we all get in those mental funks with whatever bullshit we deal with everyday.....but I still think people like us are unique and lucky in other aspects.
I\'d rather take the bumpy more scenic ride through life than just drive the straight boring highway =)
feel better Lee, I think you are good at figuring out what\'s going on with you !
I look up to people like yourself for being more unique Sini. Despite all the challenges you continue to face with your mental health, you\'ve managed to create a life for yourself where you\'re out there working, having friends in your life and living for what you enjoy and get excited about. You\'re making the most of your time here on Earth.
All I really do is exist for the most part, because I\'ve only ever been able to put up with my fears instead of overcome them. I\'ve become a shell of a person due to finding security in locking myself away. Maybe one day I\'ll be more like people such as yourself, yet I\'m unsure on what it\'ll take from me or what it\'ll take for it to happen.
Thanks for continuing to show an interest, I appreciate it for many reasons.
God bless you my friend... I am so sorry you are hurting so badly... please reach out for what you need.. I know you want to be med free... sometimes there is a time and place for them to be of great help...I have found therapy really helped the inner child towards healing.. you are in my Prayers... I believe there are many routes to wellbeing.. I am all for exploration..love for you..xx