Back From Her Vacation To See Her Brother And My Grandmas Things

She’s back from her, her sister and 2 cousins (on her Mom’s side) from seeing her brother and his family down south.  She welcomed me and I welcomed her back.  I saw she had a cold but I didn’t say anything about it.  The way she sounds and those tell-taled blue lozenges.  I asked her if she had fun.  She said she did but it was a little cool there, although yesterday was nice.  I asked her what she did.  Her brother has a boat, they went out on it and into town for shopping and food.  She stayed with him with his family.  I think he has little boys.  Later she told me they went through old family pictures in which they all enjoyed doing.    I told her I found a lucky penny coming in and told her whenever I find a lucky penny I give it to someone.  She took it and put it in her bottom drawer – maybe in her purse, I don’t know.  She said everyone can use some good luck.  She also asked me if I always share my good fortunes with people.  Yes.  I told her I had my grandma’s stuff in the bag and I wanted to talk about other things first.  I did take out my bag of extra clothes and told her that was for her to put away.  She said OK and put it right in her drawer.  Out of sight for me!  Before I began anything I looked down and asked her if that spot cleaned up OK.  She said it did.  I asked her if any got along the way to the bathroom.  No.  I told her I hated for her to have to clean it up – I could have done it.  She acted like it was OK and commented that she knows I hate when that happens.  Yes, I do.    Then I told her I talked to my husband and his company is not on a hiring freeze but they are hiring limited and a referral is always the best.  He’ll be happy to refer her husband.  She just smiled and nodded.  I told her he only needs his name and email address and they’ll contact him.  She said she’ll mention to him.  Later, when I got back from the bathroom, I said about her going out to that state (where my son is and where my aunts were left) and that I won’t let her!  She smiled.  She said about her husband getting a job here and I said how my husband’s company is a good, stable one.  She smiled again.    Then I talked about calling my son Friday and wondering if he’s still moving in.  Yes.  I told him not to wait to the last minute and the next day he came over and we moved the boxes downstairs and re-arranged furniture and things.  We both have a good eye on those things.  He even went out to dinner with us and some shopping.  She said it was good he respected my wishes to do this.  His girlfriend had a cold so he had the time and I also said I wanted to do it in an organized fashion and we did.  I have mixed feelings about him moving in.  Well … there goes my privacy.  But in a way I wish all my kids were moving back in.  I told her about my Valentine’s Day and the kids being over.  Going through my grandson’s school papers with my daughter.  Her boyfriend yelling way too much and jumping my grandson.  And he doesn’t listen to him anymore.  I said yelling should be limited to if they are going to run out in the street.  She nodded.  And he calls him names.  That’s not good for a 7 year old – it’ll stick with him.  So I tried to get away going through the papers but he followed us.  I ended up physically going through them all.  We condensed and that was good because I can’t store it all.  I told her what my grandson said at breakfast last Sunday after he spent the night with us.  How his Mom says if her boyfriend yells at her one more time they are moving out.  And how he wants to move in with us.  We had just talked a few days before about all the places he lived with us (little bedroom, back bedroom, Annex).  I told her I did tell my daughter what he said.  I said my daughter can be jealous of her brothers.  And maybe she wanted that.  But I know she wants to be independent, too.  My therapist asked me if I talked to her about it.  No, because the Annex will be taken now.  She’s wondering if she’s waiting for me to offer it.  I told her any time she wants to talk to call me.  My therapist said that the Annex is like an insurance policy for all the kids and it’s hard for them if it’s gone.  She knows how it is for my daughter but she can’t say much because she is also their counselor.  I told her they haven’t been back because they are waiting for someone to pay a bill.  Then they will.  Then I also talked about if they break up loosing my granddaughter – for me and for her.  But mostly for her.  At least, for both little kids, I am the constant for them and it would not be good for them to loose that.  No.  She said how close they are to me and I’m so good with them and touch their hearts so much.  How I play with them and not into technology.  Yes, we played sleep over Sunday night and I get down on the floor and play with them.  I said my daughter was very close to my Mom.  She asked if it goes like that in my family.  Yes and now my Mom’s gone and my Grandma is gone so I’m it.  She said yes (in a good way) it’s funny how we are going to lead into talking about my Grandma next.  Yes.  She said my daughter has to do what’s right for her and her son (I said, too).  I talked more about Valentine’s Day and my other son coming over and his girlfriend.  And then later, “My youngest!” so I called him.  Then he sent me a text with a flower.  I showed it to her.  I had previously been typing out a text to my son here and had to get rid of it first.  I accidently sent him a blank text message and he called me.  She heard me talk to him about the converter box he picked up yesterday and the TV he ordered that’s supposed to be coming tomorrow.    So after we hung up I was confused where we were.  While I thought she said how struck she is about how much love I have and how surrounded by it I am.  I said that I have it but I don’t know if they do.  I think she thinks they do.  But she really wanted to make that point to me for some reason.    I said how my youngest is going today to see our very old Aunt and will bring her lunch.  She said what a good heart he has and he has learned from me – it’s down there.  I said yes.  As caustic as he can be he has a very good heart.  So that was all I wanted to say about this weekend.  Now it was time for my Grandma’s stuff.  First I showed her the items inside.  I had a yellow kitten quilt she made me.  I unfolded it and we looked at it.  She said it was very nice – very special.  Then the green sweater she knitted when I was born and I said it did have booties and a hat with it at one time.  Then a folded up yellow towel.  I told her I didn’t have very much of my grandma’s stuff because I wasn’t in on the getting rid of things.  I was 13 or 14 when she died.    Then I showed her the one shirt I had of hers.  I said she was very short and she looked at the shirt and said she was petite.  She was chubbier older but skinny younger.  The tall and lanky was from my grandfather (like my Mom, some of the kids and myself).  After she died I used to sleep with it under my pillow.  Then the box of jewelry and things.  I said how it was a candy company here that my family liked.  Inside were her keys, earrings, pearl necklaces (she really liked pearls) and a pin I remember her always wearing on holidays.  She asked me if I ever wear it.  No, it has some stones missing.  She said she and her sister wear a Christmas tree pin of their mother’s on holidays that has bright ornaments on it.  Also my grandma’s hair pins and she wore her long hair up in a bun.  A round punch-out trinket and her watch I tried on.  Very old.  And my Uncle’s ring I remember very much and his cigar paper.    Then we went to the pictures.  I started with at my parents wedding with all the people including my Dad’s parents and such.  And all the sisters out west.  And we talked a lot about the 4 sisters they had to leave out there (probably ages 10-16).  An aunt was supposed to take care of them but they ended up in an orphanage.  How could they?  My grandmother must have been so sad but my grandfather was very controlling.  I wish I could talk to her about it now.  She suggested for homework I write her a letter.  I wish I could be there for her.  Earlier she asked her name and what country she was from.  She had 12 pregnancies – 10 kids.  Plus the 4 from my grandfather’s first marriage who’s wife died.    So the pictures went from old ones that I didn’t know her in (and my grandfather) and to ones I did.  Her apartment.  Everyone was always around her.  Her chair, she used to braid my hair.  Always waving to us when we left from her porch (I go outside and do that with my kids when the weather is decent).  She wasn’t like me.  She wasn’t a ‘doing’ Grandmother.  Just there to be with and it was great.  Once I remember walking to a store with her and she didn’t want me to go to a playground on the way back.  Pictures of her with others and her with me.  When I was 6 months old and she was holding me I said can you imagine how many babies she’s held.  My table and chairs set she gave me at age 2.  How we shared a birthday (also another cousin).    We were between groups of pictures and I needed to go to the bathroom.  I just felt it.  She asked me if I wanted to take a break.  I told her I did and asked her how she knew.  She said she could just tell and also she looked at the clock and it was longer than usual.  So I went and came right back.  We continued.  Then I told her about other pictures.  The one at age 1 ½ that I remember taking that picture – that’s the farthest back I remember.  And just before I had encephalitis and after.  She said how happy, and healthy, I looked.  Also that day I remember having that accident (first recollections) I had at the birthday party in the yellow dress.  It was after and I still had the dress on because it probably just went down my legs.  And at age 7 like my grandson.  I said how I remember so much and I don’t know if he will.  She said he will.  Also age 10 and 11.  She said what a beautiful and happy child I was.  Yes, I was happy.  She commented on my curly blond hair how pretty it was when I was little.  And I told her about my pixie (she remembered) haircut and how that happened.  She said it’s incredible how I look so much like, and my expressions, like my granddaughter.  How much we can relate to each other.  I know.  And such a cute smile I had.  I said one yearbook I submitted a picture and it was voted cutest smile.  There was a last picture of my Grandma and I told her I used to sleep with that one under my pillow for a long time, too.  After she asked me how I felt.  Sad remembering.  She said how to use that now.  Use the warmth with my kids now.  She asked me if I ever share any of her with my kids and grandkids.  No.  She said I should.  She said she believes that people who have passed on are still with you.  We talked more about leaving those girls.  She said how interesting it’s the same state as my son is in now.  Yeah!  She asked me how I felt when I found out about it.  I was my grandson’s age or a little older.  Not much because they still kept in contact and everyone sent pictures and visited.  But now I feel badly and I’m wondering if that’s why I have separation problems as well as being in the hospital during that time.  She said yes, definitely and we need to continue to explore that.  I also said how none of the pictures had all the kids in it and that’s sad.  You know how I am with all the kids being together.    She said she didn’t think we were done with talking about my Grandma.  We should continue next time and with the letter.  OK.  I also told her I still have another of my husband’s concoction and I wanted to do that too – the throw up thing.  She said we can do that.  So I left and went to the other massage therapist.  She pointed out about trying to hold everything in and maybe that’s why my neck is so tight and hurts.  Good point – I’ll have to tell my therapist that.  I do try to hold things back and in and especially – you know what!  Interesting point.