Back From Her Reconstruction

My therapist is back from her reconstruction surgery and saying she’s feeling good after I asked her.  I asked if this was an easier surgery than the mastectomy.  Yes.  After that one they did expanders to stretch out the skin because the radiation could have made it not possible.  It’s saline they put in before, silicone now.    Right away I told her I’m good for my word to call the doctor.  I asked if I could use her phone in case it takes a while.  She handed it to me and said to push the middle button for speaker phone.  I noticed she had 44 missed calls.  She must not clean it out occasionally.  She’s told me before she’s not technically savvy.  So I called and made an appointment with the nurse practitioner tomorrow at 1:30PM.  She commented it’s good they got me in so quickly.  What she doesn’t know is they called me back when I got home that they got a cancellation for 9AM tomorrow with the doctor.  I took it.  But after I called we really didn’t talk about me actually going.  I said how I looked before I came and I got a missed call from my guy friend reminding me to call today.  I was all over my house today and occasionally look for missed calls.  I didn’t tell anyone about it for a long time – just maybe my leg hurt – nothing much.  But I started telling people recently because if something happened to me at least they’d know something.  But I didn’t tell my son far away because what can he do.  She agreed.    So we got into talking about how I feel like my family doesn’t care.  She wanted to know why I say that.  They don’t.  They take me for granted.  Like the other night my daughter talked for hours and I listened.  I told her she’s putting fuel on the fire not to let her ex see his son for Christmas even though it wasn’t a months notice – 3 weeks.  She called him back and he will be seeing him.  I tried to tell her one thing about me – a focus group – nothing.  She said it’s everything about her and my youngest it’s everything about him.  Also my Mom was like that she said.  Yes.  She asked if it’s like that with my middle.  No, he’s just real low keyed like my husband.  And, my cousin she wanted to know – I’m not sure.  But, if it was me I’d pick up the phone and call myself for them.  She said maybe they didn’t because they know me and I’ll call when I’m ready.  That’s true but at least they can try and they don’t.  She talked about myself as a picture and they can see through that.  But I’m not like that on the outside.  She said something I show.  I didn’t know what she was talking about.  And about switching gears and doing other things for the new year that she’s been thinking about.  I’m wondering if that’s why she’s been acting strange.  So I asked her to give me examples because she said we’ve talked a lot about many things over and over.  I think she was only able to give me one.  I’m confused and I guess I’ll see later what she’s talking about.  I did ask her if it’s the things we do here.  Yes.  So I just read from my list I had of things I wrote down during the week.  I saw her last Tuesday and didn’t write anything down Tuesday or Wednesday and started on Thursday.  I told her how I gave all my money to my son that I’ve been working hard for the last 4-5 weeks for the holidays.  All?  Yes – well 724.00.  She looked surprised and wanted to know why I did that.  I had to.  She still looked surprised and then I told her about the guy taking the car apart (only things like this happen to my son) and he needed it fixed.  He’s supposed to pay me back.  She looked doubtfully.    Then Friday I took my grandson to school and we started decorating.  Very fun.  On the way to school, close to our house, he told me he had to go to the bathroom.  I asked him if he wait.  He said he waits all day at school sometimes.  Why?  So he doesn’t miss anything.  I told him it only takes a couple minutes to go.  But it makes me feel bad, whether he can physically do that or not I don’t know, about me.  She didn’t say anything.   I told her about my daughter wanting to go to the city my grandson was born.  At first I didn’t know if it was me, too.  Then I asked.  Yes.  She doesn’t know by plane or car but my granddaughter has been needing to go to the bathroom just to get out of things.  And she’s not sure about that in the car.  I said to my therapist how I go a lot and I said something about that to my daughter.  She smiled a little understanding.  Something to look forward to I said if it happens.  When?  Spring break or the summer.  Later on Friday I went to pick up a yearbook and talked to a lady that used to own a store (she knew the store but not her) and is related to my best friend and her sister’s mother.  She said how the other one, their mother and her mother are just the same and she doesn’t even talk to her mother.  I said I couldn’t ever imagine that – someone who bore you, loved you, took care of you.  My therapist said unless it was something really hurtful.  But this person validated my feelings about them saying how superficial the three are.  And she wondered where the parents were during my best friends illness.  She just wanted me.    Then the next night I found some memorabilia about my best friend.  Not just hers (I cleaned out her apt so I got anything I wanted) but mine.  She used to write me letters, send me cards, almost like she was infatuated with me.  I was married (still am – we laughed) and had 3 little kids.  She’d complain about me not calling her and stuff.  But she was around a lot and my husband was at work and school and we had great times together.  We need to explore more about this and I need to bring these letters in.  Things I forgot about and how our relationship was.  And her sister wanting to know if she was gay.  No, not to my knowledge.  I told my therapist she never came on to me in that way.  She was very needy with hugs and affection (I felt uncomfortable) but she had a bad relationship with her Dad and then was turned off by men.  And how she was more upset about my problem than me and told another friend she had it.  She looked like strange but didn’t say.  We need to explore more about this.  She agreed.  That night I was hurting really bad and the next day, Sunday, I called my uncle up to wish him a happy birthday – 91 years old.  His brother, my Dad, was 64 when he died and got cheated.  She said that could have been him.  Yes and how he missed out on his grandkids and great-grandkids.  Then at breakfast and my friend talking about families fighting and kids being left out.  That’s exactly what happened to me!  She said how that’s why these holiday parties are important.  Yes and I said that’s why I don’t like it when my kids aren’t close.  She seemed to understand this one.    I said how I saw my granddaughter in her p.j.’s that morning and without her prosthesis.  I wondered when she has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night what does she do.  My daughter doesn’t say she gets up (maybe she doesn’t have to) or I don’t think she wets her bed.  Just makes me feel bad.  And also how my son’s girlfriend, when she was over and I just walked in on the conversation, was talking about public restrooms.  She said she’ll just wait a couple stops to go and has to be pretty desperate.  What is that – a couple more hours?  I sometimes can’t make it to the first stop.  Makes me feel bad and she commented how I compare myself to others a lot.  I do.  It was in a negative way and made me feel bad but I didn’t say.  I think she wants me to accept me for me.  But, she doesn’t understand – others may not want to accept me for me.  So, we were invited to her parents holiday party but I don’t have to feel obligated to have them at ours.  No, she told me – another time.  She remembered we know them.  Yes but haven’t seen them in years.  Sunday, too I wanted to go to the center’s celebration.  I don’t like crowds and parking and such so I went out there to check.  It wasn’t bad, I called my daughter but she still didn’t want to go.  I wanted to take my grandson but my granddaughter is way too heavy in her stroller and I didn’t want her Dad around because of things between him and my grandson.  So they beat me back to my house and the kids were all excited about decorating as soon as I walked in.  So that’s what we did, had fun and it was OK we didn’t go to the celebration.   I asked her if she celebrates.  She said only when the kids were little.  So my kids will be over a lot and by the end it’s tiring.  But that’s OK.  Then on Monday I came here to see my massage therapist.  She acted a little surprised she was here.  I’m not sure why.  I was really upset Sunday night and called her to leave a message and told her I was coming Monday morning to see her.  I told her I kind of prepared for this because after her last trip she told me all about it and we talked 45 minutes to an hour before.  But I like that.  So after about a half an hour I started thinking about it.  I tried to tell myself not to and to just stay focused on what she was saying.  Then before she began my 10 minute massage I told her I was going to the bathroom first.  I did and the door was locked – damn that guy therapist!  I reminded her he was in there the last time I needed to go.  I’m not even sure I had to go to the bathroom or not but the door being locked just brought it on.  So, I’m thinking – what do I do?  What would my therapist tell me to do?  Go down the hall.  That’s what I did but I didn’t make it all the way.  Not bad but enough if you would look you could see.  So I told my self not to take notice of it, not to say anything, it’s dark in there – just go in and sit down quickly.  That’s what I did.  It was a little trickier going out because sometimes she walks out with me in the hallway.  I don’t know if she saw anything or not.  So, when I came back from down the hall, I’m pretty fast and saw the man therapist coming out when I was coming back.  She said it’s a good thing I didn’t wait because I wouldn’t have made it.  I told her I kind of didn’t anyway.  I know it was the fear thing.  Nothing else.   Then Tuesday I went to a funeral – inside.  I sat by myself but that was OK.  Behind a guy who I knew and talked to and the wife of someone special (I told her the story about him picking up a hitchhiker and running into a hospital and dying of a heart attack) who’s known me forever.  And a singer guy I knew from before, we hugged and kissed and nothing else but that was fine.  And how I met the daughter and her partner and how I admire the acceptance.  That’s how I want to be.  And how all of them are her kids, like I feel about my granddaughter.  This is where she got into that stuff about acceptance of myself that has to come from me.  I think other people.  I’m not quite sure what’s she’s getting at deeper inside.  Later she said how my husband is there, he doesn’t care.  Right.  I’m confused and feel left on a limb.  She said how long it took for them to come to a point of acceptance and all they had to go through before that.  I guess that’s what we’re doing.  I said what will people say about me at my eulogy.  She said that’s what we have to work on.  Why am I so confused?    Then I went on and said how I need to talk about this to get it out of my head.  Before it started I went to the bathroom.  Then after, maybe 45 minutes later I was going to go again but was walking out and didn’t.  The over confidence that I’ll be fine.  Well, I needed to go on the way home.  And Tuesday was cold and really rainy.  And … well, you know what happened.  I couldn’t say it nor did I want to give details.  But it’s another one of those, “Darn it” moments.  It wasn’t that bad because it was just me but still …   She didn’t say much and I just went on wanting to get off the subject I’m sure as much as she wanted to.  Tired of it - way tired of it!  But during what I was saying about this day I needed to go to the bathroom.  We glanced at the clock.  I just talked and talked trying to keep my mind off it.  She told me to be careful because that guy therapist is here today.  We laughed.  So when it got harder I said that and she asked me if it was time to go.  “It hasn’t been that long, has it?”  She said 5 minutes.  So I just tried to talk more.  Once I said I just wanted to finish the story.  When it got too bad, a few minutes later, I said, “I don’t think I can do this any longer.”  She told me that’s Ok as I was getting up to go.  I did and came back and I just continued where I was.    Later that day we went to the post office and I saw another singer guy, 2 today, and I think he’s hot.  My husband knows the guys I think are hot – there are a few of them but no big deal.  She nodded.  But then I went to this market research thing about overactive bladder.  She was so happy.  Maybe she thought it was a study for medicine again but it was only a one on one thing.  I told her they only called me the day before to go and I did it because I really needed the money (100.00) and because I thought it would be good to talk about it with someone I don’t know.  Good practice.  She agreed.  I’d like to be the accepting like the gay people and such.  I wouldn’t go up to someone and introduce my self and say I’m My Name, I have bladder problems.  But not ashamed about it, she said.  Right.  She said I don’t know what other people think when they look at me because I’m slim and I look younger than I am – especially if they have weight problems - and that I have this perfect life.  I said I feel fat but she didn’t say a word – didn’t hear it or totally dismissed it like she does.  And my daughter what she goes through being so heavy and looking at me.  That we don’t know what people think and wish for themselves.  Would heavier people (or anyone) trade for my problem?  She almost acted like yes, even maybe for herself, but then she said you don’t know unless you are in the situation.  Right.  But as it turned out with the market research, they didn’t need me, paid me and sent me home.  She thought it was good anyway.  And, when I got there the lady was friendly.  I asked her what she was there for.  Incontinence.  I wanted to say, “No, not me!  I don’t have that problem!”  How open she was about it.    Yesterday I wrapped presents – everyone’s.  Lots and lots of them.  They always ask Mom (me) to do it.  But that’s OK.  And I asked her if she ever watches Ellen. Sometimes.  Yesterday they had Howie Mandel on and how open he is with his mental illness (not that I have mental illness – but she didn’t answer – I don’t think I do, just problems to deal with) and OCD.   And how I’d like to be like that, too – open with things.  Then more discussion about this switching gears for the new year she had been thinking about earlier.  To be more into why things happen and not the exposures.   I told her I think the exposures are still good because I know what to do when I’m in the situations.  But it’s not good when they are not good outcomes.  She said right.  I said I’d like to be able to work through it when they are not good outcomes.   I’m not quite sure we are on the same wavelength.  She listens to me but I think she thinks differently.  But I would think I know what’s good for me better.  I would think.  Like last time what happened, I felt like I’m going backwards.  Not being able to talk about things and such like I used to be and then other things happen.  But today I talked about things.  That’s not good when we do things and I go backwards.  And she wants to re-do things.  And I said I was thinking about the throw up exposures.  I tell my husband about those but not the others.  Only she and my journal writing knows about the others (the having to go to the bathroom exposures).  He said to use pea soup for the throw up exposures.  I said we can put food in a bag, look at it and then go into the bathroom and put it in the toilet but I’m not sure I can do that and maybe she’d be grossed out.  She didn’t say.  She said about doing things with my grandkids without them knowing.  She said her kids used to put all kinds of things into water at restaurants.  I know, mine too.  I said I’m ready for more advanced things and I’d need to do them with her.  Once she said her boys had play throw up.  That’s when after that I printed out the throw up pictures to look at with her but she still has them and we didn’t even talk about that today.  So, I left confused.  I didn’t say though.  I know she wants to switch gears and I don’t know where she wants to go.  She’s been acting strange lately and I don’t know what’s going on.  I can sense things.  I was on the verge of tears a couple times today.  And, once about loosing my best friend which is very hard and I don’t think anyone can understand that unless they’ve been there.  And loosing others too for that matter.  I want to move on.  I want to stop talking about this stupid problem of mine.  But things happen, day after day.  I can’t make them not happen.  I want to not worry about it or even think about it.  I want to be there – I do so badly.  Sometimes I feel like we never will.  But I have to trust her that whatever gears we are switching will work.  Something has to work.     Well, I called her answering machine tonight and left a message.  I said how we didn’t talk about me going to the doctor tomorrow – just that I called.  I need to talk a little.  I told her about the time change to earlier which is good because of celebrating tomorrow night and they don’t do tests there and I’ll have to go somewhere else.  I hope I don’t have to stay at the hospital or it to not be serious.  I’m scared because of all those replies I got about it being serious and I could die or complications and such.  Maybe I’ll be nothing and I have to go with an open mind that whatever will be will be.  And my middle son did call me on his way home from work thinking I went to the doctor today but no – I just called.  But my daughter doesn’t care.    Then I told her I’m so confused about today.  When I tell her my family doesn’t care and I put up a good front about it but she says something shows.  I don’t know what she’s talking about.  I feel so bad.  Switching gears is fine but talking about things again and again.  I feel like something’s wrong with me.  I don’t know what she’s talking about.  I really try.  And my problem … I feel like I’m going backwards to talk about it or not talk about it.  I don’t want to talk about it but when things happen I have to but I want it to go away.  I know she wants me to accept it as me but I can’t when others don’t and I’m afraid they won’t.  I hope I don’t have to call her again because I feel so dependant when I’m independent person but I feel like I have no one to talk to.  I don’t want to bother her but I have to talk about it to someone.  I asked her to wish me good luck for tomorrow and I hope I’m just worrying for nothing.