Back. Finally. Love you all SOOO much.

Hi my loves! Oh, I have missed you so much! I have the biggest burden of guilt on me right now for abandoning you guys out of nowhere and totally dropping out of the mailing chain. I wanted you all to know that I by no means have forgotten about you all and how much you all means to me. For now I will update on the reasons I have been absent and what's up with me now.           Recently, I spiraled into a terrible depression. I have never, in my life, EVER felt anything so painful, so heart wrenching, as this. It snuck up on me slowly, quietly, and pounced when I had my back turned. It attacked me at a very vulnerable moment. We had auditions for the play, and EVERY SINGLE SOPHOMORE except for me got a lead or at least a small lead, and I got ensemble. It just broke me. It's not as if lots of other talented people didn't get in also, only me, which must mean I suck. I practically curled up and died. My mom heard me throwing up in the bathroom, even on days when I hadn't eaten anything. She screamed, "Oh, that's great, just shove your fingers down your throat! How cute!" She threatened to send me away to the psych ward, and it was just this giant mess. She also found out I've been actively cutting, and so she took away all the razors. Then I started using safety pins. She took those away. And now I have a knife hidden in my room for when I need it. My mom is STILL making me feel guilty about getting treatment. I'm seeing a psychologist on Tuesday, and she said he's probably going to put me into a child and adolescent ward. She's like, "I hope you're happy now, they're gonna cart you away." Fine. Bloody fine. At least I won't have to go to my room and lie there trying to hide from her.          I am so sorry I haven't been active on DS or kept up with the mailing chain. I've been being strictly monitored, and I'm not being left alone for any length of time. My idiotic therapist insisted I stay off of DS and not do the mail chain for now, because, as she said, it might be "triggering." I looked at her and said "The only thing that will triggered if I don't talk to my friends is a gun to my head." But naturally my parents blocked this website and even thoug I'm back on now, I'm still not allowed to continue with the mail chain. Bloody FUCK.  I love you guys so much. I am so so so sorry.