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I've come to realise lately that The only thing that seems to move me like nothing else is at times God. And Music. I am not unhappy in my role of teaching music.. but even struggle to be studious in practicing my instruments.Of course the love from my boyfriend has the ability to do this! and my mum - when I can pin her down! but I find it difficult to be motivated and keep the weight loss goals in my head and realistic. This is really like talking myself out of something without needing any convincing. I seem to talk myself into a binge of chocolate very easily - and I feel the ultimate though is who cares, I feel like it so I'll do it - It's not like I care about how I look or how fat I'll get because I already feel fat, ugly and dissatisfied, then I think about how the boyfriend looked at porn even though I was the most attractive i had been at the time then - so what's the point it's not like if I looked after myself physically more I'll steal his attentions and keep them loyal by the way I look.Honestly, the pain seems to do a lot of the mind talking! I know that everything is a choice. I choose to try my best - but I need to stop giving in or up so easily.. this is where I constantly fall short and I feel it's only doing me damage. Yes I feel inadequate to an extent but it's not so much that. It's the constant disappointment sent by my own hand.I ate an entire pack of dove chocolate squares and followed this by a noodle soup tonight. I don't feel proud about it, I just feel like I'm never going to lose weight so I don't care anymore. Because this kind of food seems to appear daily for me. It's a DAILY struggle, and a daily fall. I made an appointment for wed week to see a counsellor that I used to see. This brings up a bit of anxiety because I fear I have to face some issues, And I'm not sure how many grief issues are going to come up either. I also am not sure of what I want to talk about - It's not all exactly comfortable by any means. The main reason is to help my goal of re-writing my narrative- to change my internal dialogue. Perhaps this is why I feel unmotivated and because I am unproductive. I am trying to avoid and escape.. I feel no benefits from trying to eat healthy short term so it doesn't make me want to stick with it whereas I can get a great quick fix from lots of sugar. I don't even want to sleep in my partners bed anymore because of the tummy overhang that I am embarressed about. Sigh! What do I do with myself. I'm concerned that I am depressed.. or that I suffer from clinical depression. I've always seems to have these bouts.. but thought they were normal and I'd hate to think I have a chemical imbalance so I kind of feel like I'd rather not know. At the same time I am a very deep and possibly negative individual so it may just be my personality type and where I am emotionally right now..
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You are going thru so much right now, I feel for you - I feel as though we are sisters, as when I was in my 20s I went thru quite a few years feeling exactly as you describe... even still the struggle with eating emotionally and wanting to eat whatever i want, whenever I want, THOSE are STILL CHALLENGES for me.
I spent many years in counseling, and it made all the difference for me and really helped me to sort thru things and get a much more solid ground inside myself. It didn\'t make the issues go away so much as I learned eventually how to be kinder, more patient with myself, and fair in my expectations.
we are so hard on ourselves, and merciless - I hope today you will think about some aspects of yourself that you really like, that are gifts, and try to focus on those. It\'s hard to make changes for the better when we beat ourselves up all the time. I have always been my own worst enemy in that, though I have made progress.
One important thing I learned is that no matter how many pounds I have weighed over the years I have always FELT FAT and had big issues with my self esteem and my body. In high school I fetl that way and weighed probably 120, in college 140... I would be so grateful now if I could weigh that! But I actually like myself, and have far better self esteem now at 300+ pounds than I did back all those years ago.
so the body image is not tied up with a partner or any other outside thing or person, it\'s in our head and boy that makes it a B... to change !!
hang in there, and know that you are not alone. Be kind to yourself! *(HUGS)
Hey Spirit, I know how hard it can be to stay away from the binges. The pleasure from those foods comes right away. Honestly, it\'s almost impossible to stop once the urge to binge comes. So stop the source: the urge itself. Try and do that by not putting yourself into the kinds of situations where you overeat. To stop yourself from eating an entire pack of chocolates, maybe take out a few squares then put the rest away. Then enjoy the few squares, and follow the eating by something that will get your mind off of food, like a nap, a phone call with someone, or whatever.
I don\'t think you should feel badly at all about your boyfriend watching porn. It is something most guys do, and it didn\'t have anything to do with you or how you look.
Fight depression by staying busy and being around people. I find that when I have a lot going on or when I am surrounded by good people, I am distracted from all of the negative thoughts that arise many times when I am by myself or bored.
-Matt