Back After Our Vacations

I was sitting in the waiting room and my massage therapist came out after her client.  I showed her the picture I had of my son and I on our vacation.  She sat just a minute and we talked a little.  She got up and I think ran into my therapist in the hallway, and maybe talked to her a bit, after her client came out but closed the door because she wasn’t ready for me.  I waited and my massage therapist came out again and said to come in we’ll talk until she’s ready.  But pretty much right then my therapist came out of the bathroom and got me and we went back to her office.  The first thing she said was it’s so nice to see me.  That was very nice.  She looked at me and wondered if I look Californian and said yes, I do.   First I showed her the picture I printed out and before she saw it I asked her what she thought my son looked like.  A hippie.  Yes!  I showed her the picture and she said how nice and she looked at it a bit.  I told her there’s a story behind it because it was one time that he did something to make me upset and then he grabbed me and hugged me really hard.  I wasn’t sure to tell her our discovery but he’s not her client and he’s not hurting anyone so I did.  She thought it was great that he’s being so resourceful!   We laughed.  It’s funny – she tells me how resourceful I am, too.  I told her I wanted to talk today about my aunt and my son.  So I just started telling her what we did day by day – pretty much how we had planned.  I told her I took a lot of pictures but I don’t have them yet.  She asked me if I made a connection with my first cousin.  Yes, she’s very nice but older.  Then about my aunt and the car and how I shouldn’t get involved because she’ll blame me for something.  She was very attacking while I was there but it was better because the caregiver was very nice.  My son was very good with my aunt.  It was hard to leave – it was taking forever.  Then I cried as soon as I got out the door.  They were good with me.  She asked me what the tears were about.  It’s not my aunt and I may never see her again.    When I told her about staying at my other cousin’s house.  She asked me how the nighttime worked out.  I told her I didn’t want to talk about it.  She said that’s fine.  I went on talking just about the trip, what we did and how fun it was.  The house was awesome and he’s a graphic artist not working now.  Lots of artists in my family but I can’t draw.  My youngest son and husband can.  She interrupted me once to tell me that’s good.  This trip was not all about my bathroom stuff and that’s not what I’m about.  It’s the good things about the trip and good I can see that.  One other time we alluded to it and I acknowledged there were “glitches” when she said but I didn’t say what or give any detail.  She told me it’s OK that I don’t talk about it.  I don’t have to or when I’m ready I can.  I didn’t say but I’m so tired of talking about it, I want to pretend it’s not there and I’m afraid if I talk about it I won’t tell her the truths.  I told her I called the other massage therapist before I went to ask her if she’s heard of the music therapy place we went to.  She told me to listen to the lower tones of the 7 because those are the grounded tones and I’m not grounded.  Grounded is being strong and powerful from the feet to the pelvis.  I’m more upper body and I try to figure things out with my head instead and I dance out of my body.  She said I like to dance but I comment she doesn’t know that.  My therapist said she’s very intuitive and I said I hope she doesn’t know other things.  She told me ways to be grounded like cooking (she knows I don’t like to cook) but I said I do like to do crafts and make things.  That’s good and so is walking and she said to said against the wall with your arms to be grounded.  The worry comes from the head.  The causes she said was as a child not being recognized and not feeling like a special person as a child.  Yes, that’s true.  When I had to go to the bathroom I said so and she asked me if I wanted to wait.  No, I didn’t so I just went.  I didn’t say but a couple reasons why I didn’t wait.  First I’m so tired of talking about this problem.  We did so much before the trip and I need a break – a long break.  Secondly, I was just talking about my son and leaving him and I didn’t want to chance getting really upset, crying and then having an accident with me having to go to the bathroom anyway.  And, thirdly I haven’t been waiting very long or drinking a lot so I’m really out of practice.  I probably need to talk about my accidents on the trip just to get rid of it – to clear my mind.  But not now.  I didn’t even want to do the worry box but that’s OK - she didn’t mention about it.  I bet she’s waiting for me when I’m ready.  It just sits on her shelf with that lady watching over it.  They haven’t moved in months!  I told her about the music therapy place we went to and there were no bathrooms there – they were outside and this was upstairs.  But I said nothing else about that.  She said to try to entice my son back to tell him they do have that here in our city.  She knows how badly I miss him and I told her how hard it was to say good-bye.  It wasn’t even a proper good-bye with the friend there (his girlfriend’s sister) to pick him up and he’s more interested in the concert stuff (he’s going to be a vendor there).  I cried for a while.  She said it’s good I did.  Now, I said how I try not to think about it to start up again.  She told me about 2 new TV shows to watch.  Especially one called something in the Middle.  It’s about this Mom and her  kids and that she tries to please them and something always goes wrong.  Like my life – everyone’s life as a mother.  How I even say – I didn’t raise them like that!  Especially the kind of mother (J) I am.  She said how I “made it” through the trip.  I was an awesome trip – the things we did and saw!  I did buy him a hat (and gave him the new phone) and gave him money when we dropped him off.  She said just like a mother does.  I said how I said how maybe he can at least send us a card on our birthdays.  I think, when I was upset about leaving, my son thought I was mad.  We had several conflicts and I was mad because my husband doesn’t stand up for himself or for me.  It was really bad.  But I didn’t want to leave on a bad note.  He did call me after he got his tent set up to say bye and thank me.  I thanked him for showing us around.  But the whole trip was for him when we were with him.  It was real nice coming back to Halloween and my granddaughter’s birthday we did Saturday and Sunday this weekend.  How my granddaughter gives me all the hugs and kisses and “I missed you”.  She said how wonderful it is that we can connect like that.  And, she said how lucky I am because I have such a loving family.  I said yes but I wish the other kids were a little more.  I had said earlier how my son so far away is the most affectionate of all my kids (and he’s so very smart, too).   How on Halloween we had 121 kids (she guesses 150).  It was like grand central station with the haunted house next door.  She guessed I liked that.  Yes.    Before we ended I told her back to the grind.  It’s my busy time with working.  Also that I have my ultrasound/mammogram tomorrow. She wished me good luck with that and I can tell her all about it on Thursday.  She said the massage therapist is waiting for me and I left.  She wasn’t done yet so I waited outside the door while my therapist got tea and my massage therapist finished.  I came in and my massage therapist commented how crowded it is today.  Yes.  She wanted to know all about my trip and I told her.  She’s going on a trip the day after Thanksgiving for a week.    I know I have to do the worry box for closure.  I just hope I can be truthful.  It’s not like me to lie about things but I guess it’s all wishful thinking.  I can do what I did last time.  I put a pile of cards in the ‘I don’t want to answer’ pile.  But that wouldn’t be facing it – would it?  Or, I can just talk about it a little without giving a lot of details – maybe that’ll work.  I just want to get rid of it all!  And, at the same time, I want to get rid of all the worries!  And it would be cool to find out how many worries did not happen.  I also have to start waiting longer and drinking more again.  I can really tell the difference again that I didn’t wait very long, went preventatively a lot on the trip and didn’t drink very much.  It’s almost like starting all over again.  I can’t remember what we were talking about but once she said something about until the next trip.  Yes – I love traveling and I feel so lucky I’ve gone on 4 trips this year!  Thank you God!