Back after one year of crazy

I am back after about one year of not even having any time to recover from one crazy thing after another happening in my life.  Right now I think I am at the end of things being very difficult and now have to figure out how to do the next thing in my life in a functional way.  I also have to start mourning not having any type of normal relationship with my daughter because even though I tried to have one, it was not going to work out because my daughter has (which I suspected for many years) a mental illness.  I fought really hard with our county mental health dept to have my daughter evaluated and they did not want to because they did not feel her actions were bad enough to warrant it.  This dept was the one that people go to when they are barely operating with self care on a day to day basis.  If she was to be seen there she would have to make the decision to go on meds for her condition and no way in hell would she ever do it!  She has been going to counseling of different types for years and years but has never been evaluated by a Doctor.  Well it was pretty overwhelming what her diagnoses turned out to be even though she had mentioned the condition before but I really did not think it totally fit her.  Anyway her diagnoses turned out to be Border Line Personality Disorder and she kept saying I should have been diagnose with that too instead of depression and occasional small amounts of manic behavior.  She was living with me at the time and  said if she let me attend her  appointment then she would have to go to mine.  So I made an appointment with my Psychiatrist who I had not seen in two years and she took over the session and finally I asked her to leave so I could talk to my doctor and she told him she wanted to say one more thing, finally he had to kick her out of the room because I was starting to cry.  He told me that we should not be living together and he was sorry he let her in to the session.  He told me he felt extremely bad for me about everything and that she needed to find her own place.  I told him she has no money, no job and she would be homeless if she was not living here.  My daughter is 37 yrs old she use to have corporate jobs and has more skills than many people out there.  She was climbing up the ladder in corporate then just quit one day, she also had worked it retail, clerical, waitress etc. and did not try to get a job the whole time she lived with me. Things got worse over the months and I finally had to tell her I will get a restraining order if you do not move out!  In the past she has used physical violence if she did not get her way.  Finally she moved out but left all her stuff here so I could not get a roommate to help pay for the rent.  I am now using my savings (what little is left) to live on to make up for all the rent and utilities she did not pay.  She used to take one or two approx 45 minute showers a day.  I kept getting on her she never reduced them for less than 30 minutes.  She told me all her behavior is because of the way she was treated by her father, my ex-husband who has passed away and myself during her childhood.  She does not want to take any responsibility for any of her part.  This was about the 4th time I try and let her live with me and it is the last no matter what circumstances she is in homeless, abusive relationship, no job.  This is the last time I am going to offer to let her get back on her feet.  Since she was the last family member I associated with because the rest of my brothers and sister are pretty dysfunctional too, the holidays are going to be very hard being alone and since my daughter stood me up for the 100th time on Thanksgiving I have been extremely depressed not being invited to any friends for the Christmas.   I am trying to find somewhere to go so I will not be alone and it looks like all the groups I have joined do not have anything planed and I would go to a homeless shelter and help but I am afraid I would just start crying and I would hate for that to happen.  Anyone out there I would love to hear some feedback.  Look I know I am on my Pity Pot too, but I lost my Grandma, Mother, Father and two good friends this time of year over the last 18 years and helped with hospice for a few.  I saw and did things for  hospice care years ago to my father that nurses do not want to do!  One of my friends only around 45 years had tumors all over her face that made her unrecognizable to me.  So it was not has simple as someone just dying it was so much more and I hold those memories in my head and they always pop out this time of year!