baby fever
Every night these days i am thinking of what it's going to be like when I finally get to have my new baby. I can't wait to start LIVING again. These last two 1/2 years have been like a horrible nightmare. I was 18 when I got pregnant, working two jobs and going to college with a 3.7 GPA and living in a gorgeous townhouse with the love of my life and I was so damn optimistic after so much trauma that had packed intself into my first 17 years. I never thought I could ever in a million years be that happy. I was on cloud nine, and actually believing that my life was going to be worth living. Then we lost Sophia at 38 weeks and everything fell to pieces. It felt like a nuclear bomb went off in my life and I was just standing in the wreakage trying to comprehend wtf just happened.
My grades went to s**t, I couldn't face going to work. My bf and I grew further and further apart and I slipped into a horrible depression. I gained 50 lbs, couldn't sleep at night and developed these crazy phobias about everyone around me dying. I was a wreck for so, so, so long. But this last year things are slowly mending. My relationship is better, and I am starting to feel like a human again. I have goals and dreams again and it feels good.
I just want to be able to share that with a living breathing child. I want to bring my baby home from the hospital and start over again where we left off. I know a baby won't fix me, that's why I'm trying to get in shape and get everything perfect before I have him/her, but I love to imagine how that's going to feel when I finally hold my child, and this time he/she will be looking back at me. I just can't wait until I can be that happy again, and finally have a real family and someone to share all this love with. One of the worst parts of losing a child is having all that love and affection for a child that you can't lavish it on.
I CAN'T WAIT TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!! *SCREAM*
My grades went to s**t, I couldn't face going to work. My bf and I grew further and further apart and I slipped into a horrible depression. I gained 50 lbs, couldn't sleep at night and developed these crazy phobias about everyone around me dying. I was a wreck for so, so, so long. But this last year things are slowly mending. My relationship is better, and I am starting to feel like a human again. I have goals and dreams again and it feels good.
I just want to be able to share that with a living breathing child. I want to bring my baby home from the hospital and start over again where we left off. I know a baby won't fix me, that's why I'm trying to get in shape and get everything perfect before I have him/her, but I love to imagine how that's going to feel when I finally hold my child, and this time he/she will be looking back at me. I just can't wait until I can be that happy again, and finally have a real family and someone to share all this love with. One of the worst parts of losing a child is having all that love and affection for a child that you can't lavish it on.
I CAN'T WAIT TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!! *SCREAM*
Replies
Aahhh! You totally described how I feel today! I will be go back to work on Monday and I hope everything would be ok. I also am trying very hard to lose the baby weight. It\'s just been 2.5 months since I lost Sydney but I wanted to get back in shape as soon as I can!
I hear ya ladies! Especially the last part. Our hearts grow so big in pregnancy for our children and when we don\'t have them to lavish that love on it just feels empty, but in an explosive way...does that even make sense? We are TCCing like crazy now that it has been at least 12 months since we lost Mason. So ready to get prego :(
So funny, I was thinking the same thing earlier today, about how when I was pregnant with Aaron everything was so good. We were in a house we loved, I was on top of everything: the budget, groceries, school work for my oldest. Work was well. Everything was so good and all of a sudden, that morning life got turned upside down. Aaron would be 2 at the end of this month and I\'m so ready to have that normalcy again. I guess I know it\'ll never be exactly the same but I hope it\'s a least a little close. We are TTC as well. And I\'m also trying to lose weight too. I\'ve lost 28 pounds so far but I weigh a lot too so 28 pounds is the tip of the iceberg for me. But like you I want so badly to bring home a baby after a healthy pregnancy. Here\'s to an abundance of baby blessings for all of us in the very near future!!
It\'s very comforting that I\'m not the only one stuck in this limbo...
xx