Awww...the wonderful world of Silence
I was meditating this a.m. and really surrendering "my thoughts, my judgments, my thinking, my labeling" of how this situation should be with my daughter.
In the shower several things came to me. I remembered when I moved in with my boyfriend several years ago and my daughter saying "good, someone can take her off my hands now." I remember not saying anything when she said this, but I felt hurt; like a burden. It came to me and I have no idea if it is true as it is an assumption on my part, but I think my daughter has feelings of always having to take care of me and was/is very resentful. I feel in my gut this is true and it actually helps me understand why she needs to stay away from me now. Such confusion. I love my Mom but I resent her. I really have to honor that. She is very Co and I think it's great if she is trying to break this just like I am working on breaking my Co habits.
The next thing that came to me was....I was watching a Harville Hendrix workshop (he is a marriage counsellor therapist; I'm sure you know him RIch) and he was working with couples who were not getting along at all. He had them speak to their spouse as if they were the parent sitting there...bottom line, they were living from their past experiences with their parents. I role-played this with my mother. Me: "You used me, you were never there for me, you loved my when you needed help, you left me behind when you didn't." This is just a little of it, but this is sooooooooooo how I feel about my daughter. No wonder I am being triggered. I am surrendering all of this and the awareness itself has been very healing.
Another...I did a Workshop several years ago called "Change your story and get the Glory." I sure need to practice what I preach. I am changing my story from "this is the worst thing ever" to "this is healing on many levels."
I think it is so very courageous of my daughter to detach from me if she needs to do so. I am proud of me for allowing this and honouring her detachment.
I still get sad but I honor these feelings every day! I surrender, and I surrender again.
Not sure if this makes any sense to all of you, but it sure is working for me!
xo
In the shower several things came to me. I remembered when I moved in with my boyfriend several years ago and my daughter saying "good, someone can take her off my hands now." I remember not saying anything when she said this, but I felt hurt; like a burden. It came to me and I have no idea if it is true as it is an assumption on my part, but I think my daughter has feelings of always having to take care of me and was/is very resentful. I feel in my gut this is true and it actually helps me understand why she needs to stay away from me now. Such confusion. I love my Mom but I resent her. I really have to honor that. She is very Co and I think it's great if she is trying to break this just like I am working on breaking my Co habits.
The next thing that came to me was....I was watching a Harville Hendrix workshop (he is a marriage counsellor therapist; I'm sure you know him RIch) and he was working with couples who were not getting along at all. He had them speak to their spouse as if they were the parent sitting there...bottom line, they were living from their past experiences with their parents. I role-played this with my mother. Me: "You used me, you were never there for me, you loved my when you needed help, you left me behind when you didn't." This is just a little of it, but this is sooooooooooo how I feel about my daughter. No wonder I am being triggered. I am surrendering all of this and the awareness itself has been very healing.
Another...I did a Workshop several years ago called "Change your story and get the Glory." I sure need to practice what I preach. I am changing my story from "this is the worst thing ever" to "this is healing on many levels."
I think it is so very courageous of my daughter to detach from me if she needs to do so. I am proud of me for allowing this and honouring her detachment.
I still get sad but I honor these feelings every day! I surrender, and I surrender again.
Not sure if this makes any sense to all of you, but it sure is working for me!
xo
Replies
It makes a lot of sense to me. The triggers within us run deep. It\'s difficult to stop hurting and it\'s challenging to accept that the people we love might not always think favourably of us. I recently had a very interesting conversation with a Dad. His name was Bruce. He was in his early 50\'s and massively successful. Super wealthy, housekeeper, flashy cars, Gardner....etc... His mum died when he was 15 and his father quickly remarried. He married the only woman he had a relationship and she was exceptional with an mind blowing IQ level. He has 2 kids. What became apparent as he chatted to me, was that he had spent all of his adult life trying to give his kids what his parents hadn\'t given him...financial security, family life, material things and his \'attention\'. He was telling me how he was worried that his 21 year old daughter still holidayed with him and had never ever had a boyfriend. He had put her through the best private school in England and paid to get her into a brilliant university although she was weak academically. It was obvious for us listening to see that his \'over compensating\' had set up a situation that his daughter felt uneasy to let go of him and he to let go of her. Also, how could any human guy ever compare to this superman Dad? We spoke about the balance of guiding them to let them go. That\'s surely got to be the success of great parenting? When you\'ve raised a child and then as an adult they go and stand on their own two feet? I remembering hearing that it\'s important to remember we are the \'parent\' and not the friend.
I\'m not sure any of this helps but it interests me. My mum feels all of her kids owe her their time, attention and company....because she never received this from her parents.
I\'m realising everyone else (even my daughter) is out of my \'complete\' control. I can guide and set my boundaries but I can\'t force or control. I think I try to with other people in my life but I\'m learning to surrender before I do it now and honour little Rosie\'s needs.
Sorry about all of the type errors
I really didn\'t notice...I like leaving type errors...it\'s show were being more acceptable of our mistakes and don\'t have the need to no longer be perfect. Thank-you for sharing and yes, we really can\'t control anything! I used to think I controlled the kids Dad as he was a pushover when being told what to do and how to do it...he ended up having an affair and I said \"I didn\'t really control anything!\" Ha, ha. He\'s had 4 marriages the same way. The woman runs him so to speak (well, we think they do) then he ends up having an affair...crazy. Yes, Rosie, I am surrendering more and more these days and honouring \"Ms. Vicki.\" Had my meeting tonight and it was awesome...Nothing like a safe group to share with! You are safe to share with and I appreciate you so much. So glad you had a great time in Venice. xo
Thanks Vicki! I\'ll keep lighting my candle for you and your daughter xxxx
I really appreciate that Rosie! Thank-you! xo