Avoiding pain only makes it grow
"My personal experience has been; that which we resist, persists. The more we suppress something, the more it will stick around, and affect our emotional wellbeing in the long run. Pretending that it does not exist does not make it go away, it just prolongs the pain for us."
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Our thoughts create our reality. Our reality is conjured up by the stories we tell ourselves and others. What we think and talk about becomes our center of focus, and we miss seeing all the good things happening in our lives.'
Ego loves pain and problems. It specifically looks for them when we are not conscious. Because those are the only things that can ensure its survival. Explode your ego, by shining the light of awareness on it. With awareness, we see that the story it has created is silly, unrealistic and unhelpful.
When I am feeling bad, my mind looks for more reasons to feel agitated, and I end up feeling worst.
http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/how-to-end-suffering/comment-page-1/
You choose to believe a lot of things, I think to avoid the guilt as you were starting to see just how affected I was about everything. Avoiding guilt that you couldn't break Joanna's yoke, guilt that you were still lying, still hiding. By doing that, you choose to believe something about me and my actions that that separated you from me possibly so you didn't have to change your behavior, or to avoid processing the huge amount of guilt and shame and fear that you are the perpetuator of so much pain in me, Lydia, the boys, and Joanna.
In doing that, you hurt yourself because it drove us apart at when I was at a critical moment needing you. In becoming hurt, it would create a cycle of defending against the hurt with anger and further decision to believe things that were a perception of reality seen through your defense, your coping. You didn't have to go through all the pain that you created by shutting yourself off and wrapping yourself in layers of anger. I think if you had dealt with the original pain you were running from, you wouldn't have had to go down the road. To justify your anger and the pain of choosing that path, it would make sense that I had to be a target, the closest to you, the safest to turn against. I guess that anger happened because of a lot of things, divorce, burnout, not wanting to accept the pain caused by your actions.
So instead of seeing it, which would have meant taking on more guilt for the crushing effect your behavior had on me, for your continued behavior, seeing really what you had done and how it affected me, you turned on me instead. You chose to believe a version of reality that had a few facts and then a lionshare of assumptions and event a few distortions. It gave you permission to hate me, to resent me, to have a defense against me. It gave you a way to create space for yourself away from the shame and guilt that you would have had acknowledge if you had talked to me, seen me, allowed me in, allowed influence.
Every event that you replay in your head as proof of these things that you accuse me of only since a couple months ago is an event where you refused to see me. You refused to ask questions, understand, acknowledge, empathize and as I increasingly became aware that you were withdrawing, distancing yourself, hurting me more and more and not even caring (the email that I sent in April and your response a huge sign of that) the more I try to hold up neon signs that the accusations aren't representative, yell, get angry, hurt more, withdraw myself.
I've been saying in one form another for a little while now that what you try to impose as the only reality about me is not even true, and I don't think I realized I was doing that at first, but it's become increasingly clear. Projection, believing inflexible perceptions of reality that may be based on true events, or sometimes not. I know I've said it, but I've seen it, in the worst form with my ex, only with him is was more fun, sport, control. I really believe with you that it is about avoiding pain and shame, and control is a way to do that, a way to keep everyone where they are supposed to be, a way to defend against. The problem that both of us know all to well (me especially these months) is that running from pain only makes it increase exponentially compounded with fresh pain caused by running, avoiding, and hiding. That would then induce the feeling of being traumatized when it didn't have to be the case in the first place if we weren't running from the original pain.
"
Our thoughts create our reality. Our reality is conjured up by the stories we tell ourselves and others. What we think and talk about becomes our center of focus, and we miss seeing all the good things happening in our lives.'
Ego loves pain and problems. It specifically looks for them when we are not conscious. Because those are the only things that can ensure its survival. Explode your ego, by shining the light of awareness on it. With awareness, we see that the story it has created is silly, unrealistic and unhelpful.
When I am feeling bad, my mind looks for more reasons to feel agitated, and I end up feeling worst.
http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/how-to-end-suffering/comment-page-1/
You choose to believe a lot of things, I think to avoid the guilt as you were starting to see just how affected I was about everything. Avoiding guilt that you couldn't break Joanna's yoke, guilt that you were still lying, still hiding. By doing that, you choose to believe something about me and my actions that that separated you from me possibly so you didn't have to change your behavior, or to avoid processing the huge amount of guilt and shame and fear that you are the perpetuator of so much pain in me, Lydia, the boys, and Joanna.
In doing that, you hurt yourself because it drove us apart at when I was at a critical moment needing you. In becoming hurt, it would create a cycle of defending against the hurt with anger and further decision to believe things that were a perception of reality seen through your defense, your coping. You didn't have to go through all the pain that you created by shutting yourself off and wrapping yourself in layers of anger. I think if you had dealt with the original pain you were running from, you wouldn't have had to go down the road. To justify your anger and the pain of choosing that path, it would make sense that I had to be a target, the closest to you, the safest to turn against. I guess that anger happened because of a lot of things, divorce, burnout, not wanting to accept the pain caused by your actions.
So instead of seeing it, which would have meant taking on more guilt for the crushing effect your behavior had on me, for your continued behavior, seeing really what you had done and how it affected me, you turned on me instead. You chose to believe a version of reality that had a few facts and then a lionshare of assumptions and event a few distortions. It gave you permission to hate me, to resent me, to have a defense against me. It gave you a way to create space for yourself away from the shame and guilt that you would have had acknowledge if you had talked to me, seen me, allowed me in, allowed influence.
Every event that you replay in your head as proof of these things that you accuse me of only since a couple months ago is an event where you refused to see me. You refused to ask questions, understand, acknowledge, empathize and as I increasingly became aware that you were withdrawing, distancing yourself, hurting me more and more and not even caring (the email that I sent in April and your response a huge sign of that) the more I try to hold up neon signs that the accusations aren't representative, yell, get angry, hurt more, withdraw myself.
I've been saying in one form another for a little while now that what you try to impose as the only reality about me is not even true, and I don't think I realized I was doing that at first, but it's become increasingly clear. Projection, believing inflexible perceptions of reality that may be based on true events, or sometimes not. I know I've said it, but I've seen it, in the worst form with my ex, only with him is was more fun, sport, control. I really believe with you that it is about avoiding pain and shame, and control is a way to do that, a way to keep everyone where they are supposed to be, a way to defend against. The problem that both of us know all to well (me especially these months) is that running from pain only makes it increase exponentially compounded with fresh pain caused by running, avoiding, and hiding. That would then induce the feeling of being traumatized when it didn't have to be the case in the first place if we weren't running from the original pain.
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