Authenticity for me!

For these past several days I have felt so very angry; to the point of asking “what the hell is this spiritual journey all about?” Ever since I started Unity 36 years ago, I have felt “if I can just get it right (whatever right is) I will get rid of this physical pain. Sounds like a set up for self-abuse doesn't it? Somewhere in my head, that was ‘always’ back there. If only I would to this, I should do that, etc….balderdash! I catch myself still holding onto those should’a, would’a, could’a…Last year it was my desire to give up judgment…and e’thing I judged (especially myself) was and still is being presented to me. In doing this, I have found I am ‘taking ownership’ of what I am projecting ‘out there.’ I hated phony’s, I hated ‘no-it-all’s’, I hated liars, I hated people who were what I call ‘attention whores’, I could not stand born again Christians; drove me crazy, and there were many more judgments I made. Maybe not outwardly, but I certainly did inwardly. This year, I began to OWN ALL of those aspects of me as I noticed how I had every one of them and more. Maybe I didn’t do it the way others did, but when I looked deep, they were there. My point being, I am willing to take ‘ownership’ of what I project the best I can and am so appreciative of this awareness.This past month, I was shown a deep forgiveness with my abusers during my childhood. I truly feel the judgment of that is over as I was shown/felt in my meditation.This morning in my meditation (after not receiving anything for days) I heard this: “Where is all that anger, resentment, judgments you had for others now; where did it go?” Is it possible you are still holding on to the self-hate, the self-abuse? I cry. I sob. And then a voice says “it is not yours to carry anymore!” I cry, I sob. I allow.I was told the dismemberment of my body which was shown to me a few weeks in meditation was a break-down of what I would call ‘my old self; the self I so desperately protected and refused to allow her to feel the pain as it was too much.”I sense when I stopped projecting, began forgiving, I was lost without the old behaviors/patterns; I was in the wilderness so to speak; totally foreign land. The old no longer fit and the new has not totally taken root yet. Remember, there was no head in the dismemberment and I was told we are coming from a different place now…the heart!Sooooooo….here I am ‘not knowing’, working on becoming aware I am responsible for my choices (without beating myself up) and working with ‘allowing’ what is…even if that is ‘resistance’ to ‘what is.’The anger is lifting today and I feel lighter. I am grateful!Vicki