August 24, 2009
In my mind I know I will make it but I don't feel like I'm going to make. Writing helps get those emotions out. I had to resurrect the cane today, as if I really wanted to. Of course, EVERYONE felt a need to ask what had happened. Honestly, even toting around the cane all day hurts.Yesterday in church was much the same. I look like I wasn't enjoying the service, but the look had nothing to do with that but with pain, undescribable pain. I really felt like I had to press my way out to church, I could not bare missing two weeks in a row. My joints are not red, don't appear to be swollen but are SCREAMING at me. New joints hurt, shoulders and elbows. My feet and ankles are almost unbareable. I dont want to walk, but have to walk. Driving is painful. Am I pressing just so that I don't feel like I'm giving up? Probably. At least sometimes. New pain in my eye and some visual disturbances. I am beginning to think I am becoming tolerant of the tramadol and really it is my desire NOT to take meds. I have a call in to the rheumatologist who has been on vacation for a week and I'm trying to be patient. Oh God, I need you NOW. Will my life always be this way? Stress is just part of my life, could ir be contributing to my pain? What will I do? What should I do? I would like to be healed now and no longer be required to take any meds. Is it possible for me to do that?