August 24, 2009

In my mind I know I will make it but I don't feel like I'm going to make.  Writing helps get those emotions out.  I had to resurrect the cane today, as if I really wanted to.  Of course, EVERYONE felt a need to ask what had happened.  Honestly, even toting around the cane all day hurts.Yesterday in church was much the same.  I look like I wasn't enjoying the service, but the look had nothing to do with that but with pain, undescribable pain.  I really felt like I had to press my way out to church, I could not bare missing two weeks in a row.  My joints are not red, don't appear to be swollen but are SCREAMING at me.  New joints hurt, shoulders and elbows. My feet and ankles are almost unbareable.  I dont want to walk, but have to walk.  Driving is painful.  Am I pressing just so that I don't feel like I'm giving up?  Probably.  At least sometimes. New pain in my eye and some visual disturbances.  I am beginning to think I am becoming tolerant of the tramadol and really it is my desire NOT to take meds.  I have a call in to the rheumatologist who has been on vacation for a week and I'm trying to be patient.  Oh God, I need you NOW.  Will my life always be this way?  Stress is just part of my life, could ir be contributing to my pain?  What will I do?  What should I do?  I would like to be healed now and no longer be required to take any meds.  Is it possible for me to do that?