August 2023

Well it's august as time continues to move forward and there is no way to pause it. Some days I feel depressed that with everything that I am working on seems to be overwhelming but somehow I gather some perspective and then the clarity sets in and I am able to continue. I am kind a surprised on what I can do for myself after years of not thinking on my own. As I always have done things her way. But I keep on amazing myself on the things I am still accomplishing, I just don't know what I am capable of doing. Ever since I have become Danielle I have taken on some peculiar personalities or ideas that I wouldn't have thought of doing in my life or being with Merle. I am a fashion Model, transgender, living as a female instead as a male as I was born to be. I often wonder about myself. When I was Daniel I always dreamed about being a dad which in fact came true but I feel that it abruptly ended when I left in 2019. I also continue to think about what my life would be if I hadn't left her. I do know that with everything that has happened now would have all be different, the car accident and with me seeing my daughter get married and being with my youngest daughter when she had her first child. But on the downside of things I would be continued to be abused by her. I will say that I am still having issues with depression and I feel that it will not go away or resolve itself, because it is about my family. With me thinking about things, I still often think did I do the right thing. It's nice being a female, dressing like one and living as one. But I really haven't thought about the unknown, but I guess that is what life is all about living the unknown. I know that I have sacrificed a lot but I haven't thought about what kind effect it would have on me. Some days it's to much to handle that it makes me cry.

I don't think therapy will help or any medication as still feel that I have to much chemicals in my body. As the doctor tells me that it is precautionary measures being taken. So far I feel that my modeling career has slowed a bit I guess due to the strike. So far that I know of is that I have an audition for the New York City Performing Arts and I hope to figure out what to do if I get the position. This week I had take an additional day off from both places as the people were starting to get on my nerves that I just wanted to scream. At first I didn't know that I was going to be able to attend because Walmart refused my requested days off, But I had a nice discussion and I think that she realized what I am aiming for. I just hope that I  don't have any issues later.

Cont.

I have been thinking about my 4th anniversary which is coming up in 7 days and I have been thinking back to the same answer who am I. When I was Daniel I never dreamed that I would change into a female, even though I dreamed of wearing female clothing feeling the soft fabric. But I didn't realize that I would be alone during the transition and then later. But looking back the 4 years I can say that Danielle has done more than Daniel. Should I believe her, but I don't have any regrets for what has happened to me. Do I like it or not. But I will say that I enjoy the freedom and I am surviving..

It's almost the end of August and this month has brought out a ghost from the past.

It is part of Daniel's past that the ghost named Laura, but Laura has an intendency to keep that door shut as Daniel always told her that he would be at her doorstep if she asked him to, but she never did as they both continued on with their lives. I don't think Daniel thought that she would try to find him but the surprise too her was that Daniel was no longer Daniel but Danielle. Laura tracked down Daniel finding out through her sister Debra and through Jenifer telling her where I was at. Laura did try to search me through my old email address even though I don't use it but Merle checks it out and sent her a reply. When she got in touch with me as Danielle I agreed to see her and talk about things, I didn't expect anything but she Is back to being controlled by another person but from my understanding she was like me but with one person, she went through several. When we meet one another I made it clear to her that I am now a female that I do not have any male parts. But from my point of view after she is still in love with Daniel but I couldn't understand the hesitation as I told her that the door of freedom can only be opened by her. She needs to free her self from people that are Narcisse and a gaslighted. As like me I was by Merle. I don't know what to do as Danielle, do I want to be with her? And with her saying that she would have to get use to it, But I have my doubts being Danielle. During our conversation I told her that if she decides to be with me she will then be a lesbian. How will she handle that? Just like any body else I don't know what will come out of this. Will I want to be with her knowing that she loves Daniel knowing that I am Danielle. I don't know what she is thinking but I am being reserved on my thoughts but my thoughts are telling me nothing at all. I am in or better yet at a loss on what to do! This is Daniel's lover and not mine. Can I learn to love her as much as Daniel did? Will she be able to satisfy me? These are all questions that needs to be addressed, But the main one still stands Do I want to be with her??

I have to do some serious thinking. Do I want to be with her or not?? And I really love her anymore or is this a fantasy for Daniel or this is just a fantasy.