August 2022

I do not know how to start this off but things are starting to pile up that I do not know what to do anymore. I thank Daniel for his help as he came out to save me from being raped by David, Rhyland' s friend but of course they down played it saying that never happened. I just thank God and Daniel for coming out and tell him that what he is doing was considered rape. I am glad Daniel came out and told David that, he protected both of us, he was the strength that I needed from him for the two of us. But the whammies keep popping up, my expungement was denied and also the apartment that the landlord refuses to allow social services to pay for my first months rent and security deposit, so I lucked out with that. On top of that I didn't get the job. So what I did was after my therapy session and group as well that I decieded to visit Tanya in Maryland which was a hike in it self 4 hour drive and hot as hell and spent a lot of money on gas, I hate to see what is left in my account and it is only Friday. I enjoyed meeting them as they were kind of funny in their own way but she was nice looking but I do not see a relationship there at all. No chemistry, I am still working on the one that is close to me trying to find away to get her to meet me. But then later tonight I get a text message from merle telling me that they have a ride to Wills Eye Hospital for Roberts eye appointment I ask her weeks prior that I will take them but of course they do not want me, they want Katlin to take them and of course leaves me out as she still pushes me away, when will it ever stop!!! I try to keep in my kids lives but she is making it difficult, but it shows that she doesn't care and keeps pushing away, She wants me out completely but I know her that if I do she will say that I don't care about them only myself. I looked in the herald and the shoppe only to find nothing available but I hope this guy is true with his words that I won this money but I am not going to get my hopes up, will see what happens when I get the remaining money. Or I am fucked.

I don't know if I can schedual my surgery or not, now I have to wait for the cardioligist to see me again just to get clearance to get it done that it is starting to aggravate me. Maybe Sunday I will take a trip to the nude beach in north Jersey. Maybe some lady will pick me up and start a relationship. That would be wonderful. But August is not over with yet. I am almost to the half way point.

Every time I go into work I get depressed about my job. That I wish I didn't work there anymore, putting up with attitudes from the customers and the people that they are hiring don't want to do their jobs but I can't quit unless I have another to back it up.

I did find out about my expungement which was denied by the prosecutor in Cape may county. They told my lawyer that we have to petition Atlantic County even though I transferred everything to cape may county unless they are being a bitch because it was a women. I was turned down for 7-11 as they never called me back for the results. Hate people like that, I guess it's because I am a trans. Sooner or later I am not going to say a word that I am but people tell me that I should drop the Trans and just go with a female since I had the surgery. I am getting closer to getting things done for my revision as I am leaning towards breast augmentation just waiting on the insurance approval as I already been cleared by the cardioligist to have the proceedure done. Things at the house are sort of chilled for now even though that person sexually assaulted me is living here now, I keep my distance from him as well. On the relationship part well I haven't found anyone as of yet but I still have high hopes to resolve this issue, I came close to one person that lived close by to me but POF decieded to ban my profile and I lost contact with her as I felt like I was making progress in meeting her. On a different note there is this Asian guy that wrecking havoc on me which is weird that my body is reacting to him but he still hasn't shown any the initiative to meet me even though he say that he would like to but he still has his you know what between the legs. But if he doesn't do it today then I am going to say good-by to him  I still don't like men though. But maybe I will do some experimentation just to feel what's like. But with other people I am not sure of it's just that I don't want to set myself in getting hurt. I will just play it by ear. As for the Lt. Landis apparently he already went to the state board of public affairs with out me what a big surprise but a complete downer.

This month I don't think it can get any stranger than it has been, but they say if one door closes several more opens up. As I just found out that there is this trans-male that is so into me that he wants me to move in with him and wants to take care of my needs. But I do not know, I don't know if I really want to be with a man or not. Also to have someone who actually does like me. But as I mentioned prior the obstacles that I will be facing again but there has been some additions to the problem. Several things I have to think about and that is

1. Do I want to live in Dallas Texas having it being hot and sometimes very cold like living in Missouri. Plus the tornadoes.


2. I will not be close to my kids that I will definitely with miss them.


3. But what about Merle, I am still married to her and it would end up giving her ammunition because I am seeing someone.


4. How will he treat me after awhile.


5. But the biggest thing is what happens if I fall in love with him What is a girl suppose to do.

But I keep thinking about Merle telling me that our marriage was nothing but a lie because she feels that I knew that I was a trans back then but I told her that I didn't know and It was the honest truth. I don't know what she thinks anymore or I should say I never did.

What can I do about this guy, my gut is like in line with my heart but is it just because he is better off in life than me. But I don't want lose everything I worked for.

So what am I going to do since my gut and my heart are aligned with each other maybe I should just go ahead and take the risk of meeting him and maybe things will work out for the best, I have a good car and if I get in trouble I can leave and just say that I gave it a chance. Plus maybe I will get the chance to see my brother Bill, but how will he be towards me, will he be transphobic just like the rest. I won't know until I meet him and his wife it would be awesome. I have to do some planning. Will keep you informed.