AUG 2012
Mon.8/6 - well...six days into another month and I haven't done a single thing or accomplished any goal...wish I could be disciplined like all these Olympians winning the GOLD...but alas, I am not. Anyway, I didn't come here today to vent...I'm here for another reason....remember my personal equation (F4)∞=D? ...well...today it's Frustration and Fear that I am struggling with.... I had a dream last night...an ugly dream...I dreamed that I found out my husband was cheating on me with a pretty petite little hispanic woman...it was so fucking real...Apparently, the speaker was on on his phone when he called her and when she answered she said Hey! How you doing, Sweetheart!"...of course he stumbled to grab his phone and turn off the speaker but it was too late I already heard...then...he didn't even try to deny it (like he usually does)...he finally just fessed up and then she came to pick him up and they left together...well HE left me and went to be with her...UGH!...I hate dreams...they are so realistic...I lost it...another failed relationship...my second...my greatest fear...FUCK...I didn't care about anything...and I just tried to drink away my feelings...LOOK...my relationship/marriage at this point sucks...but I still love the guy...despite all the hurt he has caused me as an addict...I still love him, I still want him, and I just want our relationship/marriage to be like it was in the beginning...I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy...but not like this. OH well...just wanted to get my thoughts down on this early...I think I'll write him a letter/email about my dream I don't know...for now I need to go...but I'll be back later to write about my FRUSTRATION.
Tue.8/7 - FRUSTRATION - Fuck...Shit...Damn...sometimes that is all I have to say...I am so frustrated with everything...I said yesterday that I was going to write about my frustration but I didn't and now I more frustrated over more things...I guess I'll just start at the beginning...
Once upon a time, a long long time ago, I enlisted in the Army Reserves. I enlisted because I wanted to serve my country, because I wanted to continue my education, and because it seemed like the right thing to do!...I was honorably discharged in 1994 when my son was 10 months old...I didn't re-enlist at the time because my husband at the time wouldn't let me and because I felt that my priority at the time should be my son. ... When 9/11 happened in 2001, I had a real strong desire to re-enlist but I didn't because by that time, my marriage had ended in divorce, I was now the typical single-mother struggling to raise my son, and my son at that time was still in Elementary School...I couldn't just ignore my responsibility to my son and go fight for the honor of my country...although I really really wanted to!...I think it was in 2009 when I went to College night with my son, that I started thinking about re-enlisting...but...again...I couldn't do it...I talked myself out of it because my son was still my son, he was still in high school and because I wasn't willing to make such an important decision without considering my current husband's opinion...although our relationship was not what I wanted it to be... I wanted and needed his opinion and blessing because he is after-all my husband... I tried discussing it with him a couple of times, but he just dismissed it like he does everything else...so I just put the thought on the back burner...until NOW!...I have no job, no income, my son just graduated from high school...he is going off to college...I have no money to fix my truck so he can take it with him...I have no money to go to Parent/Family orientation in San Antonio this week...hell I don't even have any money to go see the dr on a regular basis (I've already cancelled two appts because I have no money) or to get my medications...I screwed up my fin.aid at school...so I don't know how I am gonna go back to school this year...although I want to...and the truth is that now would be a good time to re-enlist and secure the rest of MY life. I already have 8 years, I can go for 12 years and retire with 20 years of service and full retirement benefits (I think)!...so it seems like a great idea!...Right?...Yeah, until Sunday night when I decided to waste time doing some research...and yes! it is a great time to re-enlist in the Army Reserves!...all the regular benefits!...plus a 10,000 bonus!...all my problems solved!...except for one thing!!!...I don't qualify!!!...really? I don't qualify? NOPE...I am too fucking old!!!!...I don't qualify!!!talk about being frustrated...I found the answer to most of all my problems and I can't benefit from it!!!...God! I am so pissed off...mostly at myself...cause I know that I fucked myself up ...AGAIN...with my PROCRASTINATION...how the hell do I get over this crap...I am just so frustrated and pissed of at no one but MYSELF!
Then, yesterday Monday, I decided to call my mom and let her know that I needed some money...I need money to go to San Antonio for Parent/Family Orientation!...well, with good reason, my mom decides to give me the riot act...about everything...my extended family doesn't help...because they are always pointing out my bad behavior...so my mom tells me that I should do this...and should do that...and I shouldn't do this and I shouldn't do that...she basically yells (not literally) at me like I am a child!!!...I am turning 45 in a week and my mother is the only person who can speak to me and reduce me to feeling like a disobediant little 10 year old child...I finally got off the phone with her after telling her I would call her back later which I didn't do...I mean I love my mom, but I don't want to be yelled at!!! and made to feel worse than I already feel!!!!...that's another reason I am FRUSTRATED! ...
And then of course there is today...I haven't done anything worthwhile...got up late...worried about everything and can't settle down enough to do anything that I have to do...just check out my status...it's my version of an actual bible verse... and it's how I've felt this whole damn summer...I want so much, need so much, but don't do anything to accomplish it...I try to live one day at time without accomplishing much of anything and it stinks...just FRUSTRATES me...I know I'm rambling and not making sense no sense at all but it's just how I feel...maybe later I'll post a quote about how I used to feel and how I now feel...I don't know...I need to get off of here and try to go do something productive before my chess club meeting tonight!...don't even know if I want to go but I told people would go...I don't know!
TUE.8/14 - It's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to! You would cry to if it happened to you.
Not doing too good today...my BP is up...I have a headache...and of course, I haven't done anything productive this WHOLE month...I did go to Parent Orientation last week but that's about it! I just don't feel well enough to do anything I have to and of course I had a fight with my husband sunday night which sent him into his addict personality...I just don't know what to do...I got the procrastination thing so bad...I can't do anything that I need to do...I just feel like crap ... like I was thinking yesterday...My life has become a never-ending cycle of perpetual chaos...does that make sense?
MON.8/20 - This whole weekend, and this week, my son's last week at home before starting college, has been very anxious for me...not necessarily because he's leaving but because we don't have the financial resources to pay for rent, books and supplies.
The following is an email I sent to a Christian radio station asking for prayer:
My son is a rising freshman at UTSA. He is supposed be moving into his housing this coming weekend. Unfortunately, I was denied a ParentPLUS loan because of my credit; and now we don't have the money to pay for his books/supplies and his rent ($725). His father and stepmother were recently victims of some sort of identity theft and don't have the money to help out either. I am in a recovery program and just last week I surrendered control and trust of everything in my life to GOD. I have faith and a strong belief in God. I know we serve an awesome GOD; but I don't know what to do in this situation that I feel I got us into due to my procrastination. I really need HELP in the form of a financial miracle. I am currently unable to listen to your program because I am going to see my 93 year old mother to see if she can help us out (isn't that sad on my part? I've messed things up so bad that I have to go to my mother for financial help!) but PLEASE, PLEASE pray for my son and I's situation. Please pray that God will give me some sort of financial miracle. PLEASE! Thank you
And this is my prayer journal for today:
Our Father who art in heaven...Hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory. Forever and ever amen.
OH Father God of second chances and new beginnings...
Thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU!... Thank you for this day and thank You for all the many blessings you give us each and every day.
Thank You for my family...Thank You for my husband...Thank You for bringing him into our lives to teach me how to love others the way You love us – unconditionally.
Thank you for my son...Thank You for continually blessing me through him...Thank You for revealing Yourself to me through him...Thank You for giving me the strength and wisdom necessary to raise him into the God-loving and God-fearing young man he has become and is continuing to grow into.
Thank You God...Thank You for my Mother...other than You, she is the only person who has never abandoned me or forsaken me...Thank You for blessing her with so many years of life filled with so much grace, strength and wisdom...Thank You for blessing me with a mother who has always been an shining example and model of a God-loving, God-fearing, Christian virtuous Proverbs 31 woman. Thank You!
Heavenly Father...help me, Help me, HELP me!...Help me, Heavenly Father to be the child you want me to be...Help me and give me the strength and wisdom to do what ever it is you want me do...and to always make the right decisions.
And help me God, to let go and let You work in all areas of my life... Help me God to give you full control over my life and to wholly trust in you....in all areas of my life.
Help me God to trust and obey you with my HEALTH...help me God to trust and obey you with my CAREER...help me God to trust and obey you with my FINANCES...help me God to trust and obey you with my FAMILY.
Heavenly Father, I come to you humbly now and ask that you help me attain and maintain financial, transportation, and career security according to YOUR will, dear God not mine.
Help me GOD...enable me to ask for and receive the help needed and the financial means to get my son off to college...Please dear God...you promise us in your Word to give us the desires of our heart...well right now...the desire of my heart is for my son that you blessed me with to experience the joy and reward of the college experience dear God...but I have failed...I have failed to secure financial stability because I have failed to obey you...I realize that now...but please dear God...please don't allow my son to pay the price for my mistakes...please dear Heavenly Father bless him with the opportunities and greater blessings than you have blessed me with...Please Dear God...help me, Help me, HELP me!
GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment in time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life ans supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen
Well these are my thoughts today and will be my thoughts for the next few days...that is why I decided to go ahead and share them here.
I must remind myself...that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me...and... that GOD takes the impossible, makes it harder, and then gets it done!
Tue.8/7 - FRUSTRATION - Fuck...Shit...Damn...sometimes that is all I have to say...I am so frustrated with everything...I said yesterday that I was going to write about my frustration but I didn't and now I more frustrated over more things...I guess I'll just start at the beginning...
Once upon a time, a long long time ago, I enlisted in the Army Reserves. I enlisted because I wanted to serve my country, because I wanted to continue my education, and because it seemed like the right thing to do!...I was honorably discharged in 1994 when my son was 10 months old...I didn't re-enlist at the time because my husband at the time wouldn't let me and because I felt that my priority at the time should be my son. ... When 9/11 happened in 2001, I had a real strong desire to re-enlist but I didn't because by that time, my marriage had ended in divorce, I was now the typical single-mother struggling to raise my son, and my son at that time was still in Elementary School...I couldn't just ignore my responsibility to my son and go fight for the honor of my country...although I really really wanted to!...I think it was in 2009 when I went to College night with my son, that I started thinking about re-enlisting...but...again...I couldn't do it...I talked myself out of it because my son was still my son, he was still in high school and because I wasn't willing to make such an important decision without considering my current husband's opinion...although our relationship was not what I wanted it to be... I wanted and needed his opinion and blessing because he is after-all my husband... I tried discussing it with him a couple of times, but he just dismissed it like he does everything else...so I just put the thought on the back burner...until NOW!...I have no job, no income, my son just graduated from high school...he is going off to college...I have no money to fix my truck so he can take it with him...I have no money to go to Parent/Family orientation in San Antonio this week...hell I don't even have any money to go see the dr on a regular basis (I've already cancelled two appts because I have no money) or to get my medications...I screwed up my fin.aid at school...so I don't know how I am gonna go back to school this year...although I want to...and the truth is that now would be a good time to re-enlist and secure the rest of MY life. I already have 8 years, I can go for 12 years and retire with 20 years of service and full retirement benefits (I think)!...so it seems like a great idea!...Right?...Yeah, until Sunday night when I decided to waste time doing some research...and yes! it is a great time to re-enlist in the Army Reserves!...all the regular benefits!...plus a 10,000 bonus!...all my problems solved!...except for one thing!!!...I don't qualify!!!...really? I don't qualify? NOPE...I am too fucking old!!!!...I don't qualify!!!talk about being frustrated...I found the answer to most of all my problems and I can't benefit from it!!!...God! I am so pissed off...mostly at myself...cause I know that I fucked myself up ...AGAIN...with my PROCRASTINATION...how the hell do I get over this crap...I am just so frustrated and pissed of at no one but MYSELF!
Then, yesterday Monday, I decided to call my mom and let her know that I needed some money...I need money to go to San Antonio for Parent/Family Orientation!...well, with good reason, my mom decides to give me the riot act...about everything...my extended family doesn't help...because they are always pointing out my bad behavior...so my mom tells me that I should do this...and should do that...and I shouldn't do this and I shouldn't do that...she basically yells (not literally) at me like I am a child!!!...I am turning 45 in a week and my mother is the only person who can speak to me and reduce me to feeling like a disobediant little 10 year old child...I finally got off the phone with her after telling her I would call her back later which I didn't do...I mean I love my mom, but I don't want to be yelled at!!! and made to feel worse than I already feel!!!!...that's another reason I am FRUSTRATED! ...
And then of course there is today...I haven't done anything worthwhile...got up late...worried about everything and can't settle down enough to do anything that I have to do...just check out my status...it's my version of an actual bible verse... and it's how I've felt this whole damn summer...I want so much, need so much, but don't do anything to accomplish it...I try to live one day at time without accomplishing much of anything and it stinks...just FRUSTRATES me...I know I'm rambling and not making sense no sense at all but it's just how I feel...maybe later I'll post a quote about how I used to feel and how I now feel...I don't know...I need to get off of here and try to go do something productive before my chess club meeting tonight!...don't even know if I want to go but I told people would go...I don't know!
TUE.8/14 - It's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to! You would cry to if it happened to you.
Not doing too good today...my BP is up...I have a headache...and of course, I haven't done anything productive this WHOLE month...I did go to Parent Orientation last week but that's about it! I just don't feel well enough to do anything I have to and of course I had a fight with my husband sunday night which sent him into his addict personality...I just don't know what to do...I got the procrastination thing so bad...I can't do anything that I need to do...I just feel like crap ... like I was thinking yesterday...My life has become a never-ending cycle of perpetual chaos...does that make sense?
MON.8/20 - This whole weekend, and this week, my son's last week at home before starting college, has been very anxious for me...not necessarily because he's leaving but because we don't have the financial resources to pay for rent, books and supplies.
The following is an email I sent to a Christian radio station asking for prayer:
My son is a rising freshman at UTSA. He is supposed be moving into his housing this coming weekend. Unfortunately, I was denied a ParentPLUS loan because of my credit; and now we don't have the money to pay for his books/supplies and his rent ($725). His father and stepmother were recently victims of some sort of identity theft and don't have the money to help out either. I am in a recovery program and just last week I surrendered control and trust of everything in my life to GOD. I have faith and a strong belief in God. I know we serve an awesome GOD; but I don't know what to do in this situation that I feel I got us into due to my procrastination. I really need HELP in the form of a financial miracle. I am currently unable to listen to your program because I am going to see my 93 year old mother to see if she can help us out (isn't that sad on my part? I've messed things up so bad that I have to go to my mother for financial help!) but PLEASE, PLEASE pray for my son and I's situation. Please pray that God will give me some sort of financial miracle. PLEASE! Thank you
And this is my prayer journal for today:
Our Father who art in heaven...Hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory. Forever and ever amen.
OH Father God of second chances and new beginnings...
Thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU!... Thank you for this day and thank You for all the many blessings you give us each and every day.
Thank You for my family...Thank You for my husband...Thank You for bringing him into our lives to teach me how to love others the way You love us – unconditionally.
Thank you for my son...Thank You for continually blessing me through him...Thank You for revealing Yourself to me through him...Thank You for giving me the strength and wisdom necessary to raise him into the God-loving and God-fearing young man he has become and is continuing to grow into.
Thank You God...Thank You for my Mother...other than You, she is the only person who has never abandoned me or forsaken me...Thank You for blessing her with so many years of life filled with so much grace, strength and wisdom...Thank You for blessing me with a mother who has always been an shining example and model of a God-loving, God-fearing, Christian virtuous Proverbs 31 woman. Thank You!
Heavenly Father...help me, Help me, HELP me!...Help me, Heavenly Father to be the child you want me to be...Help me and give me the strength and wisdom to do what ever it is you want me do...and to always make the right decisions.
And help me God, to let go and let You work in all areas of my life... Help me God to give you full control over my life and to wholly trust in you....in all areas of my life.
Help me God to trust and obey you with my HEALTH...help me God to trust and obey you with my CAREER...help me God to trust and obey you with my FINANCES...help me God to trust and obey you with my FAMILY.
Heavenly Father, I come to you humbly now and ask that you help me attain and maintain financial, transportation, and career security according to YOUR will, dear God not mine.
Help me GOD...enable me to ask for and receive the help needed and the financial means to get my son off to college...Please dear God...you promise us in your Word to give us the desires of our heart...well right now...the desire of my heart is for my son that you blessed me with to experience the joy and reward of the college experience dear God...but I have failed...I have failed to secure financial stability because I have failed to obey you...I realize that now...but please dear God...please don't allow my son to pay the price for my mistakes...please dear Heavenly Father bless him with the opportunities and greater blessings than you have blessed me with...Please Dear God...help me, Help me, HELP me!
GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment in time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life ans supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen
Well these are my thoughts today and will be my thoughts for the next few days...that is why I decided to go ahead and share them here.
I must remind myself...that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me...and... that GOD takes the impossible, makes it harder, and then gets it done!
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