Atheist Triggered II

The Great Ismic Debate is still chasing through my head this morning. Given that my father's "Sex Education Program" was so heavily inspired by his hatred of Christianity, it is no surprise that it is a deeply potent psycho trigger for me. He drew many of his justifications from paganism, so pagan debates are nearly as potent for me as atheist debates. During the exposure therapy facilitated by my design work with Atheist Andy (AA), I came to question my own summary judgments of devout ismators of any and all Isms. I now believe that my hyper-vigilance expects rape and humiliation from any and all single focus Faith peddlers. If the intensity of your Faith allows you to value your beliefs over compassion for the pain of others, anything diabolical is possible. I've had enough trauma down that righteous path, thank you. Let me be gone before you have the opportunity to surprise me.

It was 1998 (age 44) before my psychotherapy progressed far enough to enable me to get close enough to any Ismic group to sit without trembling with fear and anxiety. The exposure therapy facilitated through AA progressed far enough to allow me to handle the individuals, but groups of any stripe still bring me flashbacks of the mobs in the old black and white Frankenstein movie. No, I never did share that therapy with AA. He was merely the instrument which allowed the work within my therapy network. His devotion to Atheism was entirely to fanatical to allow me to trust him anywhere near my psychic wounds. Thou must believe like me or face my ? ? ? whatever. All I ever saw was his ridiculing sarcasm. Who knows what he did after hours. He inadvertantly quoted Daddy ALLOT, so I'm confident I never achieved full objectivity in our discussions.

In 1999, I completed the Catholic catechism. A set of wonderfully balanced years followed. Both of my sons were cycling into their current adult psychopations, but warmly embraced through their struggle by the church community when they cared to attend with me. Even Hubs attend a time or three. Both sons ultimately joined different anti-Catholic congregations and my Catholic participation crumbled somewhere around 2009. Neither son held true to their chosen communities. All of us remain lost in the Schism of The Isms.

For the past 2 weeks, Hubs has been at the Urban Homestead, harvesting honey and tending his lone busies while stepping up to the plate admirably for the current CPS crisis with the GKs. I have been nudging myself toward the Catholic churches in town as a way to break my isolation. Even when Hubs is around, my isolation is still in place. Even if Hubs wasnae too chronically busy to bee consistent company, it takes a village to live a healthy life. I've been tending this investment property for five years now and still donae have a single social contact here. Tending investment property is quite far from being a member of the community. I still feel the threat of compulsory whims from the absentee owners far more than the pulse of the local community. I believe it is the isolation which has made me so vulnerable to the Atheist triggers across the internet.

Sorting. . .

Just got a text from Hubs. He is on his way back. Next week he will be gone for internet security training, but we will have a few days to visit before he is off again. Busy, busy, as always. For sure, his diversion into internet security will keep him busy for ALLOT of years. Is internet security/policing the fastest growing subset in the computer industry?

I'm off to the Tinker's Den. We have a glorious sunrise here on the Southern Great Plains. The Tinker's Den is an exceptional place to enjoy the sunrise. I am growing enough pride in my tinker's den to feel my lifelong fear of absentee owner invasion. Is the caddy parade on its way with eviction papers? Just breathe. . . Tinker time. Still cycling and plying therapy exercises, but my dog believes I am holding steady. She loves the tinker's den, too. Let's go, my silly bitch. The day calls. Time to find the ultimate spot to pee.