At Peace With Myself

This morning I was supposed to eat about 2000 calories.  That did not happen.  I picked my dad up and we played cards together over a bite to eat.  He gave me a hug.  Oh my goodness.  My father hugged me.  That never, never, never, never, I mean, never happens.  I think that this is one of the reasons why I have such a problem receiving and giving hugs to people.  I took the kids to school this morning.  I stopped at the psych. doctor's office too this morning and picked up my paperwork.  It is finally mailed.  At least I don't have that worry over my head.  I have to take my laxative this after starting at about 5.  This is my dinner.  Ginger-lemon flavor.  Yum!!!!!For lunch I get to have soup.  Last night I had a wonderful nights sleep.  Believe it or not.  I have been cleaning on and off all day today to get my mind off of what is going to happen tomorrow morning.  Thank you to everyone on here that has said nice things to me and helped me.  I also wanted to say a big thank you again to my therapist, Amy.  She has done more than has been required.  Without her, I couldn't be where I am right now.  I thought I would be a basket case today.  However, I am not.  I am okay.  I am scared. I have been leaking.   There is no doubt about that.  However, I am at peace.  I had a dream last night that I was climbing up these stairs.  At the top was a black bible and a pair of black weird looking no lens glasses.  I think that God wanted me to see in the dream that he is with me and that I do not have to be afraid.  I have been avoiding the God situation for such a long time because I have been mad at my Godmother, the group, the church, for what they did to me.  However, I realize that I don't have to be so upset.  I found peace last night.  I think that I am stronger today because of it.  My family doctor can not assist with my surgery.  I am disappointed and at the same time relieved.Amy, thank you for wanting to come up to the hospital tomorrow morning to help me prepare for surgery.  I don't know of any therapist or doctor that would do that for someone.  That means so much to me.  Amy, also, if something does happen tomorrow, I know it won't, but if it does, thank you for helping me.  Also, please help another client like you help me.  I know you do.  When I wake up, I will look at life in a different perspective.  I want to live.  I want to be around for my daughter.  Dr. Callaghen said today on my form that I may never go back to work as a teacher.  That hurt more than how I feel about having the surgery.  I must teach.  I have to go back.  I am just trying so darn hard to get there.  Last night my husband was a jerk to me like normal.  I told him, "Sticks and stones may break my bones.  However, your words are not going to hurt me."  I can't stop him from coming to look like my saviour tomorrow.  However, I do not want him there.  I only want my friend Melissa and for Amy to help me out.  After my surgery, I need to get myself stronger so I can go through with the paperwork to leave him.  He grabbed Kristin last night by the jaw, I didn't see it, she told me and he lifted her off the floor.  So he is verbally abusing me, and physically abusing her.  God help him.  How can someone live with himself.  My husband is gone to me.  Now I must get myself better and leave with my daughter.  Thank you Amy for saying that I am a strong person.  Thank you Amy too for wanting to come to the hospital tomorrow.  Again, if you can't be there, I will understand.