At my breaking point
I tried to sleep tonight again and could not. I laid in bed and my mind would not stop. Between my exhusband getting ahold of me and the feeling of being my families door mat it is impossible. I seriousely want to leave and even told my husband that I was going to leave before he got home tomorrow night. I won't, of coarse, everyone needs me. My aunt and uncle are coming in tomorrow and I have to help cook. My sister left today and I don't know when or if I will see her again. Her husband can't live without her because he can't take care of himself. I really don't know what to do with this pain inside of me. I want it to end!!!!! I have not even cried. I just keep holding it all together. I want to cut to release some of the pain that I feel. It is strange how physical pain helps the emotional pain not seem as bad. I would love to lock myself in my room all day and ignore the world. I think that I am greiving the loss of the highschool innocent love. I was treated like a Princess and even though it was not perfect, at least I could see and feel the love and passion. I don't think my husband feels anything deeply. I think that I am conveinient for him. I cook, clean, take care of the kids and he has his toys. I have no outside interests and am always here for him. He has manipulated me to the point that I have no friends and no interests outside of the house. I feel very misserable tonight and want to sleep and ignore my pathetic life.