At my breaking point

I tried to sleep tonight again and could not.  I laid in bed and my mind would not stop.  Between my exhusband getting ahold of me and the feeling of being my families door mat it is impossible.  I seriousely want to leave and even told my husband that I was going to leave before he got home tomorrow night.  I won't, of coarse,  everyone needs me.  My aunt and uncle are coming in tomorrow and I have to help cook.  My sister left today and I don't know when or if I will see her again.  Her husband can't live without her because he can't take care of himself.  I really don't know what to do with this pain inside of me.  I want it to end!!!!!  I have not even cried.  I just keep holding it all together.  I want to cut to release some of the pain that I feel.  It is strange how physical pain helps the emotional pain not seem as bad.  I would love to lock myself in my room all day and ignore the world.  I think that I am greiving the loss of the highschool innocent love.  I was treated like a Princess and even though it was not perfect,  at least I could see and feel the love and passion.  I don't think my husband feels anything deeply.  I think that I am conveinient for him.  I cook,  clean, take care of the kids and he has his toys.  I have no outside interests and am always here for him.  He has manipulated me to the point that I have no friends and no interests outside of the house.  I feel very misserable tonight and want to sleep and ignore my pathetic life.