At least I know what's wrong with me now...
Ever since my period started when I was twelve years old, I have had terrible cramps. Everyone always made faces at me and told me to stop being a wimp...and for the longest time, I thought that maybe that was just it: I am a wimp. But as the years went on and the pain got worse, I started to think that maybe something was really wrong.
I was the only one of my friends who couldn't get out of bed some days because the pain was so bad. I couldn't stand up straight, I would throw up from the pain, and some days it was so bad that all I could do was curl up in a ball and cry and cry. My doctor told me that some women just have bad cramps and to get used to it. He told me to take ibuprofen.
I started taking the medicine, at first just 2 pills. But that didn't do it, so I started to take more and more until it got to the point that when my cramps would start, I would take no less than 12 ibuprofen in a single dose. It was the only thing that touched the pain...and even then, all it did was take the edge off enough for me to go to work or school.
The next doctor I had said the same thing, and suggested that I try Depo to help with the cramps. I had been on the pill for a few years but I hated the way it made me feel, and I was terrible at remembering to take it. Depo was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. I gained nearly 40 pounds and my hair started to fall out. This was about seven years ago and I still haven't been able to lose that weight despite having a very healthy diet and exercising regularly (pain permitting).
When I was about 24, shortly after stopping all birth control, I woke up one morning and had to pee really bad. I was visiting my grandparents in Maine. I went to the bathroom and as I was urinating I was suddenly hit with the sharpest, angriest, most excruciating pain I'd ever felt in my life. I was doubled over sitting on the toilet gasping for air for at least an hour until I was finally able to crawl to the room where my mother was sleeping and beg her to take me to the emergency room.
Upon hearing that my symptoms arose while I was urinating, I was promptly diagnosed with a bladder infection. They gave me antibiotics and sent me home. I was still in a ton of pain, so my mother gave me a vicodin. It took the edge off, but it still hurt. Days later, I got a voicemail from the baffled ER doctor who said that my urine had come back clean so she wasn't really sure what was wrong.
Over the next five years, these sudden blinding pains continued. After the first episode, I went about three years before having another...then one year...then six months...and then suddenly it happened to me three times in a single month. I started to do some internet research and came up with ovarian cysts. It seemed to make sense, and I have an aunt with PCOS, so I made an appointment to see my PCP. She referred me to my first gyno at age 27.
My gyno did a quick exam and told me that she could feel my ovaries and that she couldn't feel any cysts on them. She suggested I try Aleve and heating pads. I left her office in tears. I couldn't believe that, yet again, I was just being told that I was a wimp.
Finally, this past August, after being woken from a dead sleep twice by the same awful pains, my mother finally suggested that I go back to the emergency room. I took her advice, and upon the nice on-call doctor coming into my room, I burst into tears and begged him not to send me away saying that I have a UTI. He listened to everything I had to say and sent me for an ultrasound. The minute the tech started looking around she asked me if I have painful periods...and that's when I knew that something was actually wrong.
It turned out that I had a 6cm cyst on my left ovary, a 3cm cyst on my right ovary and a lot of free fluid meaning one had recently burst. They also told me I probably had endometriosis and to follow up with my gynecologist. Before I left, he gave me a prescription for 600mg motrin and vicodin. It was the first time that someone recognized that I was in enough pain to warrant actual pain killers.
Long story short, the cyst on the left was complex and growing so my gynecologist finally did a lap earlier this month to remove it. She told me that she was able to remove the cyst on the left, but that my pelvis is so covered with adhesions that she couldn't get a good look around. My uterus is anchored into place, cemented to my bowel and bladder (hence the terrible pain when I urinate). She told me that there's a good chance that I'm infertile, and I have reason to believe that she's right.
I've been with my husband for seven years. For four of the last seven, we haven't used any birth control and for three months before my diagnosis in August, we were actively trying to get pregnant. We haven't had sex in about seven weeks at this point because of the pain I was and am still in. The surgery has offered me no relief so far (14 days ago) and my next period is due any day. I am terrified of how painful the next one is, but more terrified that we will never have a baby. She told me that she would refer me to a fertility doctor, but my insurance won't cover fertility treatment.
I'm just so devastated. I'm putting on a brave face for the few people who know but inside I am just screaming. I have never felt so alone. It's not fair. It's just not fair. I didn't do anything to deserve this.
I hate that every time one of my friends gets pregnant I put on a smile and I say congratulations but inside I am so riddled with guilty jealousy that it makes me physically sick. My younger sister has "accidentally" gotten pregnant three times now. I would do anything...ANYTHING...to be in that same position.
I was the only one of my friends who couldn't get out of bed some days because the pain was so bad. I couldn't stand up straight, I would throw up from the pain, and some days it was so bad that all I could do was curl up in a ball and cry and cry. My doctor told me that some women just have bad cramps and to get used to it. He told me to take ibuprofen.
I started taking the medicine, at first just 2 pills. But that didn't do it, so I started to take more and more until it got to the point that when my cramps would start, I would take no less than 12 ibuprofen in a single dose. It was the only thing that touched the pain...and even then, all it did was take the edge off enough for me to go to work or school.
The next doctor I had said the same thing, and suggested that I try Depo to help with the cramps. I had been on the pill for a few years but I hated the way it made me feel, and I was terrible at remembering to take it. Depo was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. I gained nearly 40 pounds and my hair started to fall out. This was about seven years ago and I still haven't been able to lose that weight despite having a very healthy diet and exercising regularly (pain permitting).
When I was about 24, shortly after stopping all birth control, I woke up one morning and had to pee really bad. I was visiting my grandparents in Maine. I went to the bathroom and as I was urinating I was suddenly hit with the sharpest, angriest, most excruciating pain I'd ever felt in my life. I was doubled over sitting on the toilet gasping for air for at least an hour until I was finally able to crawl to the room where my mother was sleeping and beg her to take me to the emergency room.
Upon hearing that my symptoms arose while I was urinating, I was promptly diagnosed with a bladder infection. They gave me antibiotics and sent me home. I was still in a ton of pain, so my mother gave me a vicodin. It took the edge off, but it still hurt. Days later, I got a voicemail from the baffled ER doctor who said that my urine had come back clean so she wasn't really sure what was wrong.
Over the next five years, these sudden blinding pains continued. After the first episode, I went about three years before having another...then one year...then six months...and then suddenly it happened to me three times in a single month. I started to do some internet research and came up with ovarian cysts. It seemed to make sense, and I have an aunt with PCOS, so I made an appointment to see my PCP. She referred me to my first gyno at age 27.
My gyno did a quick exam and told me that she could feel my ovaries and that she couldn't feel any cysts on them. She suggested I try Aleve and heating pads. I left her office in tears. I couldn't believe that, yet again, I was just being told that I was a wimp.
Finally, this past August, after being woken from a dead sleep twice by the same awful pains, my mother finally suggested that I go back to the emergency room. I took her advice, and upon the nice on-call doctor coming into my room, I burst into tears and begged him not to send me away saying that I have a UTI. He listened to everything I had to say and sent me for an ultrasound. The minute the tech started looking around she asked me if I have painful periods...and that's when I knew that something was actually wrong.
It turned out that I had a 6cm cyst on my left ovary, a 3cm cyst on my right ovary and a lot of free fluid meaning one had recently burst. They also told me I probably had endometriosis and to follow up with my gynecologist. Before I left, he gave me a prescription for 600mg motrin and vicodin. It was the first time that someone recognized that I was in enough pain to warrant actual pain killers.
Long story short, the cyst on the left was complex and growing so my gynecologist finally did a lap earlier this month to remove it. She told me that she was able to remove the cyst on the left, but that my pelvis is so covered with adhesions that she couldn't get a good look around. My uterus is anchored into place, cemented to my bowel and bladder (hence the terrible pain when I urinate). She told me that there's a good chance that I'm infertile, and I have reason to believe that she's right.
I've been with my husband for seven years. For four of the last seven, we haven't used any birth control and for three months before my diagnosis in August, we were actively trying to get pregnant. We haven't had sex in about seven weeks at this point because of the pain I was and am still in. The surgery has offered me no relief so far (14 days ago) and my next period is due any day. I am terrified of how painful the next one is, but more terrified that we will never have a baby. She told me that she would refer me to a fertility doctor, but my insurance won't cover fertility treatment.
I'm just so devastated. I'm putting on a brave face for the few people who know but inside I am just screaming. I have never felt so alone. It's not fair. It's just not fair. I didn't do anything to deserve this.
I hate that every time one of my friends gets pregnant I put on a smile and I say congratulations but inside I am so riddled with guilty jealousy that it makes me physically sick. My younger sister has "accidentally" gotten pregnant three times now. I would do anything...ANYTHING...to be in that same position.
Replies