At Geo's Doctor's
Today we went to Geo's doctor. It was okay... he got weighed and he was really upset about it. He had lost a pound, but that's it. He feels like he's lost a lot more than that, and he's been working hard at it. I understand why he's upset. He seemed to be getting kinda over it, but it was a big hit to his ego. I just don't understand, since he's doing everything right. He should cut back on the soda, but he's been eating good food for the most part, so I don't quite understand. He did ask for juice on the way home today, so I got him some juice at Target while I dropped off his pills. It was cheap... just $1.07 for a half gallon. That's cheaper than milk, and just slightly higher than soda. It's just trying to get as much juice he would need to last him a month, and a place to store it. It's hard when we don't have a car and can't get around with ease. Today his dad was nice and let him borrow the car, so we took the bus to his dad's house and the car from there to the doctor's. His dad is letting us borrow the car until tomorrow or Friday, depending on when Geo wants to return the car. We did go to Burger King today for lunch, so I don't want to go out to lunch again tomorrow. I don't want to get into the habit of eating out every time we have a car.
I was reading another woman's journal, and she was talking about homework she has to do for a class, and it was talking about forgiveness. I know I don't forgive easily, and I never forget. I'm the kind of person that holds on to stuff forever. Well, I can forgive if the person shows remorse, but if they don't show any repentance for what they've done, then I have a hard time. I don't know if I can ever forgive my stepbrother for what he did to me. I just don't know. I know forgiveness is for me to get over it, but it's just so hard. It's hard to let go of the hurts that have been doled out on me. I also don't forgive myself, and that's even harder. I feel guilty for a lot of stuff that I've done over the years and I don't give myself any slack over it. I've hurt people, and I feel like a bad person. I have tried to make amends with the people I've hurt, but it's not enough. I feel bad about it still.
See, I used to be a bully. I used to push around those weaker than me in school. I have talked to some of them once I realized that what I was doing was wrong, and some accepted my apology. I hurt people, and I think that's unforgivable, even if I did apologize and show remorse. See, it's okay for me to forgive others if they hurt me and show remorse, but I don't forgive myself. I know I've changed and I'm not the same person. Yeah, I joke with Geo and lightly punch him, but that's not the same. He jokes around with me and he knows I'm not trying to hurt him. In high school and middle school I was trying to hurt people. I just took the abuse I was going through at home and doing the same thing to others in school. I'm lucky that I never got into a fight or in any trouble. I just wish I could go easier on myself. I just don't know.
See, even typing all that makes me feel dishonest. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't feel the remorse that I should feel, or that I'm supposed to feel even worse. I think I've beaten myself up over it enough sometimes, and other times it makes me feel like crap. I feel like a liar. I don't know anymore. I just don't know. I haven't thought about it in a long time. I know I've hurt Geo in the past, and that bugs me. I just try to block it out like I do with anything that I don't want to deal with. I'm sure Geo has forgiven me for the wrongs I've done to him (if not, I don't know how he could still be with me) and I know I've forgiven him of the wrongs he's done to me. I know he doesn't mean it... and I hope he knows that when I've hurt him in the past I don't mean to hurt him.
Food today was good... I was in my calorie range and everything, even with going to Burger King. I had chicken and dumplings soup for breakfast and dinner. I also ate the last piece of birthday cake, well, most of it. I got sick of it halfway through it and I had to put it down. It was just too sweet. I got a piece with a lot of frosting. I haven't weighed myself in a couple days and so I don't know how my new calorie range is working out. I know a couple of days ago I was 225.5 and then 226, but I don't know how I'm doing now. Mood today is confused, and sleep last night was good. Ann, I consider it a good night's sleep if I wake up and feel good, not by how many hours I get. It just depends on how I feel. Stress today was low, and that's it for today!
I was reading another woman's journal, and she was talking about homework she has to do for a class, and it was talking about forgiveness. I know I don't forgive easily, and I never forget. I'm the kind of person that holds on to stuff forever. Well, I can forgive if the person shows remorse, but if they don't show any repentance for what they've done, then I have a hard time. I don't know if I can ever forgive my stepbrother for what he did to me. I just don't know. I know forgiveness is for me to get over it, but it's just so hard. It's hard to let go of the hurts that have been doled out on me. I also don't forgive myself, and that's even harder. I feel guilty for a lot of stuff that I've done over the years and I don't give myself any slack over it. I've hurt people, and I feel like a bad person. I have tried to make amends with the people I've hurt, but it's not enough. I feel bad about it still.
See, I used to be a bully. I used to push around those weaker than me in school. I have talked to some of them once I realized that what I was doing was wrong, and some accepted my apology. I hurt people, and I think that's unforgivable, even if I did apologize and show remorse. See, it's okay for me to forgive others if they hurt me and show remorse, but I don't forgive myself. I know I've changed and I'm not the same person. Yeah, I joke with Geo and lightly punch him, but that's not the same. He jokes around with me and he knows I'm not trying to hurt him. In high school and middle school I was trying to hurt people. I just took the abuse I was going through at home and doing the same thing to others in school. I'm lucky that I never got into a fight or in any trouble. I just wish I could go easier on myself. I just don't know.
See, even typing all that makes me feel dishonest. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't feel the remorse that I should feel, or that I'm supposed to feel even worse. I think I've beaten myself up over it enough sometimes, and other times it makes me feel like crap. I feel like a liar. I don't know anymore. I just don't know. I haven't thought about it in a long time. I know I've hurt Geo in the past, and that bugs me. I just try to block it out like I do with anything that I don't want to deal with. I'm sure Geo has forgiven me for the wrongs I've done to him (if not, I don't know how he could still be with me) and I know I've forgiven him of the wrongs he's done to me. I know he doesn't mean it... and I hope he knows that when I've hurt him in the past I don't mean to hurt him.
Food today was good... I was in my calorie range and everything, even with going to Burger King. I had chicken and dumplings soup for breakfast and dinner. I also ate the last piece of birthday cake, well, most of it. I got sick of it halfway through it and I had to put it down. It was just too sweet. I got a piece with a lot of frosting. I haven't weighed myself in a couple days and so I don't know how my new calorie range is working out. I know a couple of days ago I was 225.5 and then 226, but I don't know how I'm doing now. Mood today is confused, and sleep last night was good. Ann, I consider it a good night's sleep if I wake up and feel good, not by how many hours I get. It just depends on how I feel. Stress today was low, and that's it for today!
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Bummer on Geo only showing a 1 pound loss. But it was a loss so thumbs up for that. Was that for a month? Did he do any exercise that would make more muscle which weighs more?