At a Head with Mean Sister
Holidays & vacation was good. My FIL had a stent put in an artery before we got there, so he's been in the process of healing. I think he's pushing himself too much, though & I had to jump on the bandwagon with my MIL & scold him. So much like DH, which DH & FIL will never be willing to admit! Anyhow, it was a pleasant enough time. Always eye-opening to see DH's FOO, but that's for another day, if I feel like it!
Anyhow, this is going to be a long one, because it's about Mean Sister. For me, things have come to a head. And this is how it's all come about:
I sent her & my mom an email asking what they wanted for Christmas. (Sis had taken all items off her Amazon Wish List once she realized that it's actually a wish list & not a shopping list!) Mom replied quickly that she didn't want anything; she just intended on giving the kids something. Fine with me--one less person to shop for!
MS, on the other hand, said "I don't know...what do the kids want?" OK, so I have to take my best stab at a gift for her, no biggee. But as far as her question, here's a little history: every year, she asks me what the kids want & when I tell her she gives me some sort of argument, especially when they're not sure what they want (which is usually the case).
So I waited a little before I answered so that I could think it over & couch my reply. Eventually, I said that DD would be happy with an iTunes gift card & that I was starting up a bank account for DS so she could give some $ for that.
I got an email back from her saying that "if he wants money, he can get a job; I'm his aunt, not an ATM" blah blah blah & then some other questions about when we'd get together, etc. Of course that triggered me & I stopped myself from answering right away. I knew I needed to address her tone but not attack.
So I told her that a simple "I'd rather get [my son] a physical present" would do & then I proceeded to briefly answer each of her other questions.
I received another email rather quickly, but decided to give myself a Christmas present: not to open it until after Christmas so that it wouldn't ruin my holiday. Turned out to be a good decision; you'd have thought I was asking her to chop off her head & put it on a platter! She came back with how she thought I was being "obnoxious" and "asking for a hand-out" blah blah blah.
Now, not only have I NEVER asked her for a hand-out, but I've never asked ANYONE for one, nor would I; I've got way too much pride for that. But anyhow, I never answered this last email. I asked myself, do I want this to escalate, or do I want to end this? I chose the latter.
This is my bottom-line evaluation: I've given her my public support in all her professional endeavors; I've given her much emotional support during many challenges; I've done right by her legally when my aunt died; as an adult, I've never stopped to insulting her or insinuating insults at her. In other words: I've done everything I can to give to her.
Right now, I'm in the process of letting go of my anger & getting through the hurt (which is actually the underlying emotion) & figuring out what I need to do in relating to her. For one thing, I don't expect her to do any kindness to me, but that will not stop me from being kind. (I'm still getting her a pretty cool Christmas present.) However, I will not put up with any insults, badgering, condescention, belittling, etc. In other words, if she can't stop doing these things, then I don't want anything from her at all.
Anyway, about a week ago, I got my weekly newsletter from Karla Downing & it happened to be about Emotional Manipulators! Boy, did she hit the nail on the head! I read it & saw Mean Sister throughout. Below is the bullet-point list she made at the end of the email (in bold), and my thoughts follow (in plain text).
Stop trying to change emotional manipulators. They are highly resistant to change.
True--I've tried every means of influence with her; to MS, her way of thinking/dressing/acting/believing is the "right" way. It doesn't matter how it makes anyone feel.
Know your weaknesses and how you are usually pressured to give in.
I usually get sucked into an argument, a defense of my position. It's kind of like being put on the stand in court with a really tricky attorney--she's fast with her words & I really am not.
Don’t use emotional arguments. Stick to the facts instead.
Unfortunately, she has her own version of the facts. So perhaps avoiding the argument altogether is best.
Don’t expect to win arguments or convince the person you are right and he/she is wrong.
See all of the above!
Don’t try to defend yourself. It won’t work.
I know this, I know this, I know this & STILL I get sucked into this mode. It's my default. I've got to remind myself that she is NOT going to listen to ANY defense--she never does.
Stop the manipulative interactions as quickly as you can, so you won’t get worn down and give in. Use short responses, end the conversation, or leave.
That's kind of what I did in my last email: short responses. I don't know what she thought of all of it, but I felt empowered for some reason. Anyhow, I've said in the past that the MINUTE I see a conversational red flag to RUN THE OTHER WAY!! Bottom line, it may be best (for now, anyway) to view ANY interaction as manipulative (or potentially so) & to keep it short & sweet.
Know your boundaries and stick to them.
Learning this. I think as my boundaries are defined, it won't be a problem to stick to them.
Limit the time you spend together, if you have that option.
Not an issue for me!
Don’t take the threats personally. Detach from them by recognizing that the emotional manipulator is using pressure tactics to get you to give in.
She doesn't threaten (at least not at this point). So perhaps I should substitute the word with "insults".
Work on getting stronger by knowing what you believe and who you are.
Doing that.
Share the interaction with someone else to get validation that the person is being emotionally manipulative.
Thank God for my friends--they see what's on FB & listen to me when I share & are quick to say that no, I'm not crazy! In fact, my very good friend says, "your sister doesn't really know you at all!"
If it is possible without causing the situation to escalate, let the manipulator know that what was said was outrageous and unacceptable.
The first part of this sentence is key! I did try to let her know that what she said was unacceptable (in fact, I think I did a pretty good job at it!), but she escalated anyway. Lesson learned: speaking up causes MS to escalate; it's time to "step back" as Leslie Vernick says.
Well, I'm feeling a bit better, now that I've processed all that. I still have to get through this darn gift exchange, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Anyhow, this is going to be a long one, because it's about Mean Sister. For me, things have come to a head. And this is how it's all come about:
I sent her & my mom an email asking what they wanted for Christmas. (Sis had taken all items off her Amazon Wish List once she realized that it's actually a wish list & not a shopping list!) Mom replied quickly that she didn't want anything; she just intended on giving the kids something. Fine with me--one less person to shop for!
MS, on the other hand, said "I don't know...what do the kids want?" OK, so I have to take my best stab at a gift for her, no biggee. But as far as her question, here's a little history: every year, she asks me what the kids want & when I tell her she gives me some sort of argument, especially when they're not sure what they want (which is usually the case).
So I waited a little before I answered so that I could think it over & couch my reply. Eventually, I said that DD would be happy with an iTunes gift card & that I was starting up a bank account for DS so she could give some $ for that.
I got an email back from her saying that "if he wants money, he can get a job; I'm his aunt, not an ATM" blah blah blah & then some other questions about when we'd get together, etc. Of course that triggered me & I stopped myself from answering right away. I knew I needed to address her tone but not attack.
So I told her that a simple "I'd rather get [my son] a physical present" would do & then I proceeded to briefly answer each of her other questions.
I received another email rather quickly, but decided to give myself a Christmas present: not to open it until after Christmas so that it wouldn't ruin my holiday. Turned out to be a good decision; you'd have thought I was asking her to chop off her head & put it on a platter! She came back with how she thought I was being "obnoxious" and "asking for a hand-out" blah blah blah.
Now, not only have I NEVER asked her for a hand-out, but I've never asked ANYONE for one, nor would I; I've got way too much pride for that. But anyhow, I never answered this last email. I asked myself, do I want this to escalate, or do I want to end this? I chose the latter.
This is my bottom-line evaluation: I've given her my public support in all her professional endeavors; I've given her much emotional support during many challenges; I've done right by her legally when my aunt died; as an adult, I've never stopped to insulting her or insinuating insults at her. In other words: I've done everything I can to give to her.
Right now, I'm in the process of letting go of my anger & getting through the hurt (which is actually the underlying emotion) & figuring out what I need to do in relating to her. For one thing, I don't expect her to do any kindness to me, but that will not stop me from being kind. (I'm still getting her a pretty cool Christmas present.) However, I will not put up with any insults, badgering, condescention, belittling, etc. In other words, if she can't stop doing these things, then I don't want anything from her at all.
Anyway, about a week ago, I got my weekly newsletter from Karla Downing & it happened to be about Emotional Manipulators! Boy, did she hit the nail on the head! I read it & saw Mean Sister throughout. Below is the bullet-point list she made at the end of the email (in bold), and my thoughts follow (in plain text).
Stop trying to change emotional manipulators. They are highly resistant to change.
True--I've tried every means of influence with her; to MS, her way of thinking/dressing/acting/believing is the "right" way. It doesn't matter how it makes anyone feel.
Know your weaknesses and how you are usually pressured to give in.
I usually get sucked into an argument, a defense of my position. It's kind of like being put on the stand in court with a really tricky attorney--she's fast with her words & I really am not.
Don’t use emotional arguments. Stick to the facts instead.
Unfortunately, she has her own version of the facts. So perhaps avoiding the argument altogether is best.
Don’t expect to win arguments or convince the person you are right and he/she is wrong.
See all of the above!
Don’t try to defend yourself. It won’t work.
I know this, I know this, I know this & STILL I get sucked into this mode. It's my default. I've got to remind myself that she is NOT going to listen to ANY defense--she never does.
Stop the manipulative interactions as quickly as you can, so you won’t get worn down and give in. Use short responses, end the conversation, or leave.
That's kind of what I did in my last email: short responses. I don't know what she thought of all of it, but I felt empowered for some reason. Anyhow, I've said in the past that the MINUTE I see a conversational red flag to RUN THE OTHER WAY!! Bottom line, it may be best (for now, anyway) to view ANY interaction as manipulative (or potentially so) & to keep it short & sweet.
Know your boundaries and stick to them.
Learning this. I think as my boundaries are defined, it won't be a problem to stick to them.
Limit the time you spend together, if you have that option.
Not an issue for me!
Don’t take the threats personally. Detach from them by recognizing that the emotional manipulator is using pressure tactics to get you to give in.
She doesn't threaten (at least not at this point). So perhaps I should substitute the word with "insults".
Work on getting stronger by knowing what you believe and who you are.
Doing that.
Share the interaction with someone else to get validation that the person is being emotionally manipulative.
Thank God for my friends--they see what's on FB & listen to me when I share & are quick to say that no, I'm not crazy! In fact, my very good friend says, "your sister doesn't really know you at all!"
If it is possible without causing the situation to escalate, let the manipulator know that what was said was outrageous and unacceptable.
The first part of this sentence is key! I did try to let her know that what she said was unacceptable (in fact, I think I did a pretty good job at it!), but she escalated anyway. Lesson learned: speaking up causes MS to escalate; it's time to "step back" as Leslie Vernick says.
Well, I'm feeling a bit better, now that I've processed all that. I still have to get through this darn gift exchange, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
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