...As The 15th Gets Nearer

So if you've read my first journal entry you'll understand why the 15th of November is so hard for me...  That's the day I lost my best friend 3 years ago.  As the 15th gets closer I get this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It's like I know that day will come and go and things will be fine, but it's also the knowledge that on that day three years ago my world was torn apart.   Its funny when your mind and your heart are pulling you in different directions.  One says "Things are okay now."  The other says "You're still in pain so things can't be ok."  I know logically that the 15th will be just like any other Sunday, nothing special, no one will know it but me.  But my heart hurts when I think of that day.  I see it on the calendar and I pause.  I hear of an event on that day and I automatically say no to attending.  My heart wants me to mourn that day.   The  18th was his birthday.  He was supposed to celebrate his birthday just 3 days later, but he didn't make it.  So not only do I mourn his passing on the 15th, but I mourn the fact that I didn't get to celebrate what could have been his last birthday with him because he passed just before.   November is a hard month for me.  Scratch that... November and December are hard for me.  Those two heartbreaking days on top of missing him at Thanksgiving and Christmas hurts even more as the years go on.  Right now I just need friends and family who understand my hurt and can help me grieve in the right way.