As I lay here...
I am charging my stimulator, I've had my meds, I have my heatpack on. I am trying hard to be healthy so I am sipping water and nibbling on almonds (my usual poison of choice would be coke zero and chocolate or chips). I want to make sensible eating choices, I am an emotional eater. While it was once ok, the hormones have made me balloon out. I have gained about 35 kgs. That number alone makes me shake my head. I don't remember putting it on? No more diets though, I've joined weight loss companies, I've made my shakes. I just need to make healthy choices. I struggle with the exercise, because it aggravates everything. I need a healthy lifestyle. Portioned controlled, healthy eating options. I think that alone will help my weight. Even if it's not the best it can be, I truly believe it will make SOME difference to the heft gain.
Today has been a struggle. I woke up not ok. I ate my fruit for breakfast. I cleaned the house, organised, on my hands and knees bleaching floors and done god knows how much washing (I left a load on the clothes line tonight, I physically can't do anymore today). I went to the shops, I did some op shopping and got myself some childrens books for work. Some work supplies. I did way too much.
I think that's where people get the impression I'm ok. Because, I just keep going. I left the op shop after my house work shaking. I thought for sure I was going to faint. I didn't, thankfully.
I've been sick for so long I think I have gotten good at it...if one can get good at it. I smile and say I am "fine, good, okay" - inside I am screaming. Jason can read me like a book. Those watery eyes are not from the summer wind, or because I found your comment funny. No, he knows, it's because I'm in pain. He is good like that.
I'm trying hard to think positive. I have so much to be thankful for. Simply the roof over my head and the food on the table should be enough. But I am human and I am accustomed to those "simple pleasures" and I yearn for the day where I wake up and don't hurt.
I do well, I try my hardest to keep going. Push through, keep occupied. They say that's what you need to "push the pain to the side" - I dunno, I think you end up finding ways to cope with being a member of society and dealing with pain. I think all it's done is helped me become better at faking the smile and sincerity of being okay. I don't know who that helps?
I did manage to do one thing to help my spirits today. I took myself into a wedding dress shop. I found a beautiful gown. Thankfully planning our wedding has been a nice distraction. Thus far we have set the date as July 8th 2017, we will at this current stage be married at the courthouse (it's a beautiful old building) and have a reception at a restaurant Jason's dad is friends with. We want to keep costs low. We'd love to travel to the USA, it's a dream we both have. I've never wanted a big wedding, just the brides dress, at the end of the day I'm marrying my best friend. I couldn't care less where it is. By then we will be 2 months shy of our 8 year anniversary. I think taking time to smell the roses has done wonders for us as a couple. I am glad, we have taken our time to get to this point.
I tried to reach out today, to a group on facebook. Telling them I see my specialist next week, explaining where I am (at a dead end) and what questions they may ask. Perhaps I havn't thought of something? I got constant replies on how someone has tried what I am on and didn't like it. I feel horrible for saying this. But I didn't ask for that...that's not helpful. I asked for ideas on how to approach my appointment, what would they ask....Maybe I am asking too much. Others need to vent too, maybe my question gave them the platform to do that.
Ah, anyway.
Thats me for now. Thanks again :)
x
Today has been a struggle. I woke up not ok. I ate my fruit for breakfast. I cleaned the house, organised, on my hands and knees bleaching floors and done god knows how much washing (I left a load on the clothes line tonight, I physically can't do anymore today). I went to the shops, I did some op shopping and got myself some childrens books for work. Some work supplies. I did way too much.
I think that's where people get the impression I'm ok. Because, I just keep going. I left the op shop after my house work shaking. I thought for sure I was going to faint. I didn't, thankfully.
I've been sick for so long I think I have gotten good at it...if one can get good at it. I smile and say I am "fine, good, okay" - inside I am screaming. Jason can read me like a book. Those watery eyes are not from the summer wind, or because I found your comment funny. No, he knows, it's because I'm in pain. He is good like that.
I'm trying hard to think positive. I have so much to be thankful for. Simply the roof over my head and the food on the table should be enough. But I am human and I am accustomed to those "simple pleasures" and I yearn for the day where I wake up and don't hurt.
I do well, I try my hardest to keep going. Push through, keep occupied. They say that's what you need to "push the pain to the side" - I dunno, I think you end up finding ways to cope with being a member of society and dealing with pain. I think all it's done is helped me become better at faking the smile and sincerity of being okay. I don't know who that helps?
I did manage to do one thing to help my spirits today. I took myself into a wedding dress shop. I found a beautiful gown. Thankfully planning our wedding has been a nice distraction. Thus far we have set the date as July 8th 2017, we will at this current stage be married at the courthouse (it's a beautiful old building) and have a reception at a restaurant Jason's dad is friends with. We want to keep costs low. We'd love to travel to the USA, it's a dream we both have. I've never wanted a big wedding, just the brides dress, at the end of the day I'm marrying my best friend. I couldn't care less where it is. By then we will be 2 months shy of our 8 year anniversary. I think taking time to smell the roses has done wonders for us as a couple. I am glad, we have taken our time to get to this point.
I tried to reach out today, to a group on facebook. Telling them I see my specialist next week, explaining where I am (at a dead end) and what questions they may ask. Perhaps I havn't thought of something? I got constant replies on how someone has tried what I am on and didn't like it. I feel horrible for saying this. But I didn't ask for that...that's not helpful. I asked for ideas on how to approach my appointment, what would they ask....Maybe I am asking too much. Others need to vent too, maybe my question gave them the platform to do that.
Ah, anyway.
Thats me for now. Thanks again :)
x
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