As For Me I've Come To Know
I started writing this the 1st of September... Its too long... but I just want to share it... I know you all will understand it... Hugs Elissa
My ramblings are for my son and grandchildren. I’m doing it in a journal format. I don’t know if they’ll ever read it… I don’t know that I’ll ever give it to them. I just want to do it… in case some day they want to know me. I am going to include everything I can put together about Cara. I want her children to have a keepsake of their mama long after I am gone.
September 1, 2013
I thought it was a good time to start this today. September is the month of Cara’s birth. Cara was my first child… I can not tell you how much I wanted a child. I have a lot of sympathy for moms who lose children to miscarriage, still birth and soon after birth. A lot of people seem to think that if you didn’t have a live child… or if the child died within days or hours you have less to mourn… like the children weren’t quite real… As a mother who knew that she wanted to be a mother from the age of 14... I can tell you I had dreams and plans for my children long before they were born.
I want to post a poem here in honor of all those children who lived only in their mother’s dreams...
Angel of my Tears
How do you love a personwho never got to be, or try to envision a face you never got to see?How do you mourn the death of onewho never got to live.When there's nothing to feel good aboutand nothing to forgive?I love you, my little baby,my companion of the night.Wandering through my lonely hours,beautiful and bright.What does it mean to die beforeyou ever were born,to live the lovely night of lifeand never see the dawn?Ah! My little baby,you lived like anyone!Life's a burst of joy and pain.And then like yours, it's done.I love you, my little baby,just as if you'd lived for years.No more, no less, I think of you,the Angel of my tears.~Author Unknown.
Today I'm sharing some of my feelings about a blog that was posted by another mother from ForMomsOnly (FMO). FMO is a support group for moms who have lost a child. Yes I know its selfish to separate ourselves… Sometimes selfish is just what one has to do. I’ll talk to you on my ideas about the differences between men and women and the relationships we tend to have with family; children, wives, parents, etc. someday.
I really hate the word lost… but although I sometimes force myself to use the word died…
more often I tend to use “nicer” words… like lost… crossed over… transitioned…
yes that’s one I like… I’ll bore you another day with why I would prefer transitioned…
Anyway I ramble… So the title of Sarah’s blog was The Journey by Mindy Wilford. I would like to share bits and pieces so you’ll get some idea of my ideas on grief and the last 7 years.
I’d like very much some day for you to feel like you know me and even that there are things you like about me. I know there are lots of things you don’t like. Its okay, I have made lots of mistakes in my life. The thing about life… its like the news… horror stories get better coverage… Did I mention I ramble…
Sometimes as Mindy wrote, people think that grieving is pretty much a linear process… Cara died… suddenly I was thrown into a pit… so by that theory I would start climbing from the bottom of a dark hole… making perhaps slow but steady progress… till I reach the top and there we go… All better… Point A to Point B with very little room for variation. If you don’t progress… you’re wallowing in your grief… you’re having a prolonged pity party for yourself… and you need to get over it….
Sounds reasonable… NO! It simply didn’t happen that way. After almost 7 years I can tell you that I have and have not reached a point where I am okay. Much of the time I can rationalize what’s going on inside of me.
It would be impossible for me to tell you how much I can not tie my grief process up into a nice tidy package, nor how angry I am at a world that would like me to do just that. The world may need that from me but I will have to apologize… Its not going to happen.
For many the pattern for grief was established by Dr. Kublher Ross. Frankly it has been misquoted and misunderstood by a great many people. For me I've gone through some of the stages, (sometimes over and over... the going round in circles thing) and some I think I pretty much didn't do at all... its not straight forward... neither upward or upward... You can liken it to a roller coaster, to a ship on stormy seas or whatever you want to... For me... much of it was in a fog and I'm just grateful that while I'm still and forever will be on the path... I have longer stretches of peace, and shorter periods most of the time down in the pits...
Denial… I don’t think I was ever able to deny that Cara was dead… but definitely I still struggle to live with it. Sometimes long after the fact I would muse inside that perhaps I should pretend that Cara wasn’t dead at all… just kind of pretend she was away for a bit… I’m not much good at lying not even to myself so that plan hasn’t worked out…
Anger… I don’t think there will ever be a time when anger isn’t a part of my life. Anger at all the if only’s… Anger at parents who murder their kids, Anger at a world that can go on blithely unaware of how devastated my world was. Oh there’s a million things I am angry about. I’ve learned to live with that as a part of my reality too… and I’m angry that I have to…
Bargaining… Not sure but that might be what occurs when I feel offended when life throws its curves at me… probably normal curves… but I’ve felt like God has already demanded so much from me… so… couldn’t he quit slamming me upside the head with more stuff… Its quite normal to feel vulnerable and wounded after the loss of a child. I’ve read many posts about this topic from other moms… I sooo get it…
Depression… Now what are you supposed to do when you already had a decades long history of depression problems. You do what everyone else does. The death of your child is ample reason to be depressed. You struggle with all the pain just like everyone else. You fight many times to hang on from one minute to the next… just like every so called normal person you know.
As I said… the path was not simple… It was not easy… and it has no end. I saw many times in the first year even when I’d think… ah ha… so that’s it… I remember after the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays passed in 2006... I was thinking the fog might lift some because I didn’t have to see all the lights… I hated the lights that year and for some years after that… Christmas lights reminded me of all the lights around the scene of Cara’s death that I saw in my mind over and over… All the emergency lights on the cars, the headlights… the flashing lights of the emergency vehicles, the flashlights of the people at the scene… For quite some time every time I saw an emergency vehicle I wanted so desperately to ask the people in those emergency vehicles; Were you there the night my daughter died? Can you tell me anything? Did anyone sit down beside her on that hard interstate highway and hold her? Did you or anyone even just touch her gently? Did anyone do any of the things I wished so desperately I could have done?
And again I ramble… Back to the holidays… I didn’t exactly dread New Years… There was some little kernel of hope inside me that wondered if the New Year might ease the pain… A new year… a new start… But New Years Day came and went… It made no difference at all. It was simply too soon for me to be able to feel much of anything except the deepest most relentless grief…
My ramblings are for my son and grandchildren. I’m doing it in a journal format. I don’t know if they’ll ever read it… I don’t know that I’ll ever give it to them. I just want to do it… in case some day they want to know me. I am going to include everything I can put together about Cara. I want her children to have a keepsake of their mama long after I am gone.
September 1, 2013
I thought it was a good time to start this today. September is the month of Cara’s birth. Cara was my first child… I can not tell you how much I wanted a child. I have a lot of sympathy for moms who lose children to miscarriage, still birth and soon after birth. A lot of people seem to think that if you didn’t have a live child… or if the child died within days or hours you have less to mourn… like the children weren’t quite real… As a mother who knew that she wanted to be a mother from the age of 14... I can tell you I had dreams and plans for my children long before they were born.
I want to post a poem here in honor of all those children who lived only in their mother’s dreams...
Angel of my Tears
How do you love a personwho never got to be, or try to envision a face you never got to see?How do you mourn the death of onewho never got to live.When there's nothing to feel good aboutand nothing to forgive?I love you, my little baby,my companion of the night.Wandering through my lonely hours,beautiful and bright.What does it mean to die beforeyou ever were born,to live the lovely night of lifeand never see the dawn?Ah! My little baby,you lived like anyone!Life's a burst of joy and pain.And then like yours, it's done.I love you, my little baby,just as if you'd lived for years.No more, no less, I think of you,the Angel of my tears.~Author Unknown.
Today I'm sharing some of my feelings about a blog that was posted by another mother from ForMomsOnly (FMO). FMO is a support group for moms who have lost a child. Yes I know its selfish to separate ourselves… Sometimes selfish is just what one has to do. I’ll talk to you on my ideas about the differences between men and women and the relationships we tend to have with family; children, wives, parents, etc. someday.
I really hate the word lost… but although I sometimes force myself to use the word died…
more often I tend to use “nicer” words… like lost… crossed over… transitioned…
yes that’s one I like… I’ll bore you another day with why I would prefer transitioned…
Anyway I ramble… So the title of Sarah’s blog was The Journey by Mindy Wilford. I would like to share bits and pieces so you’ll get some idea of my ideas on grief and the last 7 years.
I’d like very much some day for you to feel like you know me and even that there are things you like about me. I know there are lots of things you don’t like. Its okay, I have made lots of mistakes in my life. The thing about life… its like the news… horror stories get better coverage… Did I mention I ramble…
Sometimes as Mindy wrote, people think that grieving is pretty much a linear process… Cara died… suddenly I was thrown into a pit… so by that theory I would start climbing from the bottom of a dark hole… making perhaps slow but steady progress… till I reach the top and there we go… All better… Point A to Point B with very little room for variation. If you don’t progress… you’re wallowing in your grief… you’re having a prolonged pity party for yourself… and you need to get over it….
Sounds reasonable… NO! It simply didn’t happen that way. After almost 7 years I can tell you that I have and have not reached a point where I am okay. Much of the time I can rationalize what’s going on inside of me.
It would be impossible for me to tell you how much I can not tie my grief process up into a nice tidy package, nor how angry I am at a world that would like me to do just that. The world may need that from me but I will have to apologize… Its not going to happen.
For many the pattern for grief was established by Dr. Kublher Ross. Frankly it has been misquoted and misunderstood by a great many people. For me I've gone through some of the stages, (sometimes over and over... the going round in circles thing) and some I think I pretty much didn't do at all... its not straight forward... neither upward or upward... You can liken it to a roller coaster, to a ship on stormy seas or whatever you want to... For me... much of it was in a fog and I'm just grateful that while I'm still and forever will be on the path... I have longer stretches of peace, and shorter periods most of the time down in the pits...
Denial… I don’t think I was ever able to deny that Cara was dead… but definitely I still struggle to live with it. Sometimes long after the fact I would muse inside that perhaps I should pretend that Cara wasn’t dead at all… just kind of pretend she was away for a bit… I’m not much good at lying not even to myself so that plan hasn’t worked out…
Anger… I don’t think there will ever be a time when anger isn’t a part of my life. Anger at all the if only’s… Anger at parents who murder their kids, Anger at a world that can go on blithely unaware of how devastated my world was. Oh there’s a million things I am angry about. I’ve learned to live with that as a part of my reality too… and I’m angry that I have to…
Bargaining… Not sure but that might be what occurs when I feel offended when life throws its curves at me… probably normal curves… but I’ve felt like God has already demanded so much from me… so… couldn’t he quit slamming me upside the head with more stuff… Its quite normal to feel vulnerable and wounded after the loss of a child. I’ve read many posts about this topic from other moms… I sooo get it…
Depression… Now what are you supposed to do when you already had a decades long history of depression problems. You do what everyone else does. The death of your child is ample reason to be depressed. You struggle with all the pain just like everyone else. You fight many times to hang on from one minute to the next… just like every so called normal person you know.
As I said… the path was not simple… It was not easy… and it has no end. I saw many times in the first year even when I’d think… ah ha… so that’s it… I remember after the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays passed in 2006... I was thinking the fog might lift some because I didn’t have to see all the lights… I hated the lights that year and for some years after that… Christmas lights reminded me of all the lights around the scene of Cara’s death that I saw in my mind over and over… All the emergency lights on the cars, the headlights… the flashing lights of the emergency vehicles, the flashlights of the people at the scene… For quite some time every time I saw an emergency vehicle I wanted so desperately to ask the people in those emergency vehicles; Were you there the night my daughter died? Can you tell me anything? Did anyone sit down beside her on that hard interstate highway and hold her? Did you or anyone even just touch her gently? Did anyone do any of the things I wished so desperately I could have done?
And again I ramble… Back to the holidays… I didn’t exactly dread New Years… There was some little kernel of hope inside me that wondered if the New Year might ease the pain… A new year… a new start… But New Years Day came and went… It made no difference at all. It was simply too soon for me to be able to feel much of anything except the deepest most relentless grief…
Replies
I can so relate to \"I have and have not reached a point where I am okay\". That says it all. Grief is not linear. It comes in waves, as you said. I always likened it to being on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Some times the waves are insurmountable, and at other times, it is relatively calm. There is no telling when the waves are coming. I think it is a boat that I will be riding for the rest of my life.
I am thankful for friends who understand that I get teary eyed when I talk about Lisa but know that I need to talk about her, and are patient and understanding. There are others who just don\'t get it and never will. I ignore them.
Ramble away Elissa with no apologies. You speak for me and probably all of us.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I enjoy reading your rambling journals, we have gone through the same amount of time with Cara\'s death and my son Ryan\'s death. I can relate to your story and the stages of grieving, which I still go around and around with the same thoughts, It isn\'t easy. Its something I feel we have to go through for the rest of our life. Keep rambling on I like reading about Cara!! I love the Butterflie cake for Cara, I too would need someone who knows what they are doing. It looks to pretty to eat, LOL, Heart to Heart Hugs, Kelly
yes, ramble on: I can\'t believe I was depressed when I had 4 living children! Our grief is another level entirely, an unknown pit of despair. Writing here is always healing. We hold one another, and we do understand. I wish you peaceful times, for all of us, Abby
I can relate to much that you\'ve written. On days like today tho, I feel like I can\'t get up there to Peaceville soon enough. This life is so full of woe and temporary pleasures--oh how I long to have what they have, where they have it and most importantly ...with them physically!
I love this post! Thank you, Elissa, for sharing it!
I appreciate reading your thoughts always dear Elissa. The fact that this path has no \"end\" is the truly the misconception with others, isn\'t it? They do think and feel that when X amount of time has passed that we\'re all \"better\" and that it should be \"over.\" How can one\'s life ever be \"over?\"
Seeking some peace along the way is vital and it\'s as unique as we are, isn\'t it?
Loving care your way and keep rambling... I find healing and companionship when I read your journals. Thank YOU.
XO Joanie
I\'ve done reading and studying of Dr. Kubler-Ross...all long before Jenns death..
I denied that it was possible for MY daughter to not survive cancer...of course she\'d be ok
When it became apparent the treatment wasn\'t working, I tried to bargain...if I do this...can that happen...it didn\'t
Depression has been part of my life for decades...but her illness put me back on antidepressants, probably for the rest of my life
Anger...oh boy, I\'m so angry at her doctors who did a sloppy job of diagnosing her in a timely basis, or the radiologists who did a sloppy job of interpreting her reports...hopefully the court will agree with me
Acceptance, the \"last\" phase... Will I ever accept...I acknowledge that Jenn is gone...but accept, that\'s a whole different story...
Hugs, marylou
Love the poem! I too hate the harsh words, I usually say \"My son was in a fatal car accident\". A medium I went to told me that our angels don\'t like us to use the word \"lost\"..they are not lost, they know exactly where they are. I have tried to let go off the many questions of Doug\'s last few minutes...painful to the core, answers won\'t change the fact. \"Acceptance\" is hard for me, it implies being OK with it. I will never be OK with it. \"Acknowledgement\" .. maybe. I too feel sometimes like it didn\'t really happen, he is just away somewhere. But every day I feel that stab in the heart, my breath is taken away. Gentle hugs to you as we try to find our way to some semblance of peace. Sue xo
Thank you, for sharing your thoughts with us. I can identify with all of them. It has only been two years, since the death of my son, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will never get \"over\" it. I will never be okay!! There are days that I can push his memory to the back of my mind and others when the flood gates open and I feel like I am drownding!!
I have tried pretending that he is not really gone and when I have the time I will call him. Maybe go over and visit him and Debbie. That didn\'t work for long and never totally worked.
I have suffered with depression most of my life. The loss of my only son has almost killed me, physically and mentally. Thank God, for this site and all of the loving moms, who really care and totally understand...
((((HUGS))))....Julia