As Changeable as the Weather
I wanted to write about this earlier today when it was still fresh and hurting, but I guess it's better to write about it after things have been resolved and the moment is past, anyway.
So it snowed today. Yeah yeah... for most of you out there, you're probably wondering what the big deal is. Well, where we live it doesn't snow often. And if it does, it doesn't really stick. We've also been suffering with a drought for the last two years. Yet, two years ago we had the biggest snow year that I'd ever experienced since living here.
Yeah. Two years ago. During/after huz's affair.
We also had an appointment with a counselor for our son. He's back to pushing boundaries, being disrespectful, and basically headed down a dangerous road and we wanted some help with reigning things back in.
Yeah? So? As many of you know, huz and I saw a MC and I was in IC for years. So big deal, right? Yeah. No. The last time we had to take our son to counseling was right when huz's affair had started.
All this meant a very triggery/depressing day for me. I woke up early with dread in my heart and when I saw the snow falling everything just fell apart.
I tried talking to huz about it, but it felt like he was being dismissive. As it turns out, he says he was just being tentative because he didn't know what to do. I also admit I'm still pretty fail at letting him know what I need. (Or knowing what I need.) All I could really do was communicate what I was feeling and why. I couldn't really explain to him any more than that because I really didn't know. I just needed comforting, I guess. He's still learning to be comforting.
I think a huge part of me was depressed today because I used to LOVE the snow. I'm a December baby, of course I did! Now, big snow storms are just reminders of lies and broken promises. Another part of it was the sense that, "I thought everything was OK then and I was wrong. I think everything is OK now, so what if I'm wrong again??"
Sitting here with my mug of tea in the comfort that comes AFTER a day of anxiety attacks, I can reason that no, he is not showing any of the signs of being unfaithful or lying. He is not at all being the person he was then. If he is being unfaithful, he's become a most excellent liar and time manager, which frankly is just laughable (sorry sweetheart, but it is!) But in the midst of anxiety and fear and terrible memories it's hard to put it all in perspective.
Eventually, I curled in bed and just was quiet for awhile. I didn't really have the luxury of doing it since I had things I was supposed to be doing and should have been getting ready for our afternoon appointment, but in the end it's what worked. Huz came and cuddled up next to me and held my hand. THAT ... that's what I needed. I needed to be held and cuddled and comforted. I'll have to remember that for next time, I guess? Regardless, it put me enough on track again that we were able to have a fairly productive counseling session and a decent enough evening.
Mr. Surly teenager had a bit of a tizzy fit immediately after the counseling session. "Just don't even fucking talk to me!" he said as he got into the car. The counselor had already warned us not to reaction to his "bait". It's hard though. By not saying anything, I feel like I'm condoning his behavior. But the counselor is right - arguing it isn't going to make him change his mind, either. Eating lightened everyone's mood and Mr. Surly pants was actually reasonable and tolerable for the rest of the evening. Hope.
This morning, I felt like the world was closing on me and like... I don't know. I guess that dark, sad voice that haunts me with, "This will never ever get better!" was at her worst. I'm glad I could prove that wrong and that the day was turned around for the better.
Still, I won't say no to more cuddle time.
So it snowed today. Yeah yeah... for most of you out there, you're probably wondering what the big deal is. Well, where we live it doesn't snow often. And if it does, it doesn't really stick. We've also been suffering with a drought for the last two years. Yet, two years ago we had the biggest snow year that I'd ever experienced since living here.
Yeah. Two years ago. During/after huz's affair.
We also had an appointment with a counselor for our son. He's back to pushing boundaries, being disrespectful, and basically headed down a dangerous road and we wanted some help with reigning things back in.
Yeah? So? As many of you know, huz and I saw a MC and I was in IC for years. So big deal, right? Yeah. No. The last time we had to take our son to counseling was right when huz's affair had started.
All this meant a very triggery/depressing day for me. I woke up early with dread in my heart and when I saw the snow falling everything just fell apart.
I tried talking to huz about it, but it felt like he was being dismissive. As it turns out, he says he was just being tentative because he didn't know what to do. I also admit I'm still pretty fail at letting him know what I need. (Or knowing what I need.) All I could really do was communicate what I was feeling and why. I couldn't really explain to him any more than that because I really didn't know. I just needed comforting, I guess. He's still learning to be comforting.
I think a huge part of me was depressed today because I used to LOVE the snow. I'm a December baby, of course I did! Now, big snow storms are just reminders of lies and broken promises. Another part of it was the sense that, "I thought everything was OK then and I was wrong. I think everything is OK now, so what if I'm wrong again??"
Sitting here with my mug of tea in the comfort that comes AFTER a day of anxiety attacks, I can reason that no, he is not showing any of the signs of being unfaithful or lying. He is not at all being the person he was then. If he is being unfaithful, he's become a most excellent liar and time manager, which frankly is just laughable (sorry sweetheart, but it is!) But in the midst of anxiety and fear and terrible memories it's hard to put it all in perspective.
Eventually, I curled in bed and just was quiet for awhile. I didn't really have the luxury of doing it since I had things I was supposed to be doing and should have been getting ready for our afternoon appointment, but in the end it's what worked. Huz came and cuddled up next to me and held my hand. THAT ... that's what I needed. I needed to be held and cuddled and comforted. I'll have to remember that for next time, I guess? Regardless, it put me enough on track again that we were able to have a fairly productive counseling session and a decent enough evening.
Mr. Surly teenager had a bit of a tizzy fit immediately after the counseling session. "Just don't even fucking talk to me!" he said as he got into the car. The counselor had already warned us not to reaction to his "bait". It's hard though. By not saying anything, I feel like I'm condoning his behavior. But the counselor is right - arguing it isn't going to make him change his mind, either. Eating lightened everyone's mood and Mr. Surly pants was actually reasonable and tolerable for the rest of the evening. Hope.
This morning, I felt like the world was closing on me and like... I don't know. I guess that dark, sad voice that haunts me with, "This will never ever get better!" was at her worst. I'm glad I could prove that wrong and that the day was turned around for the better.
Still, I won't say no to more cuddle time.
Replies
Lots of hugs to you...... I know so well about all these seemingly innocent and otherwise natural things that became triggers...... Even in the midts of things going well it hits you out of the blue..... :-(
Also \"I thought everything was OK then and I was wrong. I think everything is OK now, so what if I\'m wrong again??\" is SO EXACTLY what I think every now and then...... But then I have to take a deep breath, step back and remember that this is not true. That I DID KNOW that something was wrong. I didn\'t know exactly what, I couldn\'t pinpoint it, I was led to believe that I am crazy for having all these thoughts, so I did shush my inuition.... But the truth is - I DID KNOW. So I try to remember it now. I try to revive my intuition, that I was dismissing and overriding for years. I try to trust it more......It deserves the best treatment from me.
I am sorry what you are going through with your son.
Wishing you more cuddle time today :-) I shall make some happen for me as well :-)
It just never will be the same will it? Even when the sun is shining, the dark cloud is waiting to move in.
I definitely have to remind myself \"This is now, not then\" on a regular basis. My husband tries, too. Yesterday, he actually said, \"Come back to me.\" He was sitting right next to me, but he knew my mind had wandered far, far away.
Hi Allora, I also know about the triggering moments that make you depressed and sad. Yesterday I found a picture of my hubby and his cousins. He does not see them often and I knew it was taken when he brought his OW woman around to meet them. They had gone out to dinner with her. I hid the picture under some papers right away. I also had to remind myself it was in the past and I shouldn\'t worry about it.... i just want to cry....
It\'s ok to cry. As long as you move forward afterward. :)