arrg
Well, as painful as this is, I have to admit that I once again caved to the nicodemon. I made the mistake of calling my cousin to get directions to a health food store and cheap place to buy birdseed and got all entangled in her and my aunt's codependent sick relationship crap. My cousin is having panic attacks and is practically agoraphobic, describing in great detail her irritable bowel syndrome, but still continues to drink Dr. Pepper (and she's diabetic) and eat the only five things she will eat: Fried shrimp, french fries, tomatoes, lettuce and pineapple casserole. I went down there this weekend on Saturday to help my aunt pack to move into a smaller apartment, and my aunt was practically non-functional. They are crippling one another, and neither can seem to stop, and it's breaking my aunt - financially and emotionally. She is stuck in her circular thinking and can't seem to make a move because she keeps trying to make a decision that's best for both of them, where she needs to make the decision based on herself. My cousin is over 60, and my 80 y.o. aunt still pays half her living expenses. It's ridiculous. See, right now as I'm talking about this I want to smoke. I can't be their therapist, but in another way, I can't NOT be - it's just who I am. They're right, though (whoever they are) you can't do therapy with family or friends. I just wish I knew how to stop. Anyway, I fell off the wagon, and don't know when or how to get back up, or really if I want to right now. Smoked one night before last, two last night. Hopefully, I can again keep it to a minimum before I set another quit date. I have also been having a really hard time lately with all the one year anniversary smobriety dates. All those folks started AFTER me, and it seems to be making me feel that much more of a failure. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely proud and happy for them, it just points to my inability. Blech. I hate I'm writing this, but what can you do, but be honest and hang in there?
Replies
Carried I can understand the failure feeling as all these people hit this huge milestone....I wish you\'d give quitting another try though. Not knowing if you\'ll be back to DS, you sound uncertain, I will stay in touch through Yahoo. I wish the best for you.
Carried, this is all the more reason why you should be here. It will help you keep a handle on your slip and not let it get out of control, and hopefully it will help you get to the next quit date. I understand that you feel bad about the anniversaries. I would, too. But try to keep the focus on you. Everybody on this board hasn\'t had the challenges you have had within the last year. I\'m sorry to hear about your aunt and cousin. You can\'t change that situation - all you can do is be as supportive of your aunt as you can, and try not to get sucked into their nutty dynamic. They didn\'t get to that point over night, and they\'re not going to change it over night, no matter how much anyone wants them to.
Carried every day that is smoke free is a milestone. We know you can go days, weeks, months without smoking. You just had a slip is all. You are NOT a failure! You are a loving and caring person who is caught up in family insanity...that makes you very brave in my book! Beesley is right, try to just focus on your needs and help your aunt and cousin but at an arms length. I know I have not been around too much lately on DS but I do check in every day and will do whatever I can to help you through such trying times. I\'m not here to judge you but I can and will hug you for being the caring, loving and giving person that you are whether you smoke or not! Look out, here comes a big old yankee sized hug...MMMMMWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Lanky is sooooooooo right! Everyday, EVERYDAY that you are smoke free is a milestone...and it is just a slip. Keep a hold of yourself and reach deep down and find your strength. You do have to refill yours after giving so much. Hang in there my Ark friend, I hope you don\'t go anywhere!!!
See there Girly the troops of love are swooning down in on you and I for one am tickled! I hope to see you back soon, you sweet Lady are very loved and Beesley is so correct in the fact that few have had the personal challenges that you have in this last year, physically emotionally the whole thing! Hope to see you back soon.