Aroused... Abused
From 1st or 2nd grade to 2017 my dad did things to me. The main reason I hatr myself and feel guilty is that I couldn't say no and that I got aroused. I hate it. If I touch myself at all or read a book with a sexual scene that had anything real similar to what he did, I remember it and can almost feel it. Soemtimes I get slightly aroused by it and it disgusts me. I feel like a horrible person. Who would get aroused by abuse?
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Arousal, I think, is a fairly automatic process over which humans have little control sometimes. Umm...look at it this way, when you were being abused you carried on breathing, right? You don't feel guilty about breathing. In the same way but it's a lot more difficult, you shouldn't feel guilty about being aroused. It's a natural response hard to control without years and years of meditation, probably.