Are we all crazy???
I just finished reading this NY Times article from 2013 titled, "Selling the Fantasy of Fertility-" http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/12/opinion/selling-the-fantasy-of-fertility.html?_r=1 . And after reading this, I can't help but feel played by the fertility market. What I have gathered from this article and a couple of other sources linked to the topic, is that the medical world of fertility is not regulated as strictly as so many other areas of medicine are, leading us all to essentially be their guinea pigs while they still are figuring it all out. This drives my rational brain crazy, because if it was any other aspect of my life and I was presented with these odds, I would absolutely run the other way. But my heart is having a really hard time accepting this. On a good day like today, when I can look at the situation as a rational thinking person, I tell myself, I just need to move on. I have been through too much already and I would be hurting myself to go through anymore. But in the back of my mind I know the bad days will be coming when I can't think of anything else but how much I hurt because I did not keep trying to have a baby. I am fine right now, but what happens on the days when one of my sisters announces that she is pregnant? How much is too much? There is that old adage that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. To date, I have had 9 fertility procedures(IUIs, fresh transfer, FETs), and still do not have a baby. At what point do I get to classify myself as completely insane? I just wish the answers were easier to come by and didn't involve so many tears and torture...
Replies
Thanks for sharing the article. I liked how it talks about how quitting treatments does not make you a weak person. I sometimes feel like we are constantly told to keep trying, be strong, and never give up, but the facts are that it just isn\'t going to work for everyone. I really feel like we have to set limits for ourselves. Will I feel like I didn\'t do enough...maybe, but do I want to continually set myself up to fail and deal with the depression that comes with it each and every time? No.
YES!!! Maybe the stigma is just in my head, but I hate feeling like I am \"giving up.\" Giving up is something that I have been conditioned not to do, and I have a hard time grasping the fact that you can\'t apply this same rule to something that I have no control over. No matter how hard I try I cannot turn back time and make my eggs good again- there is absolutely nothing I can do about that, and I have to deal with that. Apparently my ovaries gave up a long time ago and took a while to clue me in on it... I am really glad that the article touched on that point because I feel like if I don\'t try hard enough, I must not really want it bad enough. But the reality is that the choice has been made for me by something/one greater than me- it really has never been mine at all. It was my choice to keep trying and trying again, but it will never be my choice to succeed. And that is absolutely one of the most frustrating things about all of this.
I definitely agree that we have to set limits for ourselves- we said that 2 egg retrievals was our tap out point. The first retrieval produced 8 embryos, but no winners. Now that we are at the end of those, I am seriously re-evaluating whether or not I can do another one. Financial is obviously one of the biggest concerns right now and I am hoping that once we take a break and get caught up with everything, it will relieve some stress. I keep trying to look at the big picture of being 55 with no children and money to spend- I am pretty sure at that point, I will regret my decision to stop trying at this point without doing one more retrieval. But all I keep seeing is what is immediately in front of me right now- debt up to my ears. I went to school, got married, got a job, bought a house, but I can\'t even say for sure if I still would want any of it if I can\'t have a child. Preparing for a family was my driving force for living a responsible life, but if I don\'t have one, what is the point?
I think we are the same person, like you are in my head, thinking my thoughts. We have so much debt and now ridiculous medical bills, because we can\'t stop trying. I would never forgive myself if I didn\'t feel like I tried everything I could. And I can see myself at 55 with no children and money to spend as well and I think can be happy in that scenario if we tried everything we could. And I couldn\'t agree more with the sentiment of living my life in such a way so that I would be able to raise a family and now, like you said, what is the point?? It\'s just like the irony in doing everything I could in my young adult life to not get pregnant before marriage, who knew it would be so hard to actually pregnant. Anyway, I feel like we will know when we have reached out limit. I don\'t think there is a number that we can arbitrarily set and once we reached that number, we are supposed to be done. You will know when you are done and you will be at peace with it, whether you took home a baby or not. Or so I am told, I am hoping it\'s true.
Fsugrad, I have thought many times from reading people\'s journals on DS that they must be secretly recording my thoughts :) That is why this place is so amazing- because on my craziest day I can come here and feel like I am not alone. People on the outside world just do not get it and it gets exhausting trying to explain something that they will never understand- something that I hope they will never understand because it is a miserable place to be. I just hope that one day all of us can get to a place where we can make peace with not only our choices, but also the things that we had no control over, and are not living in a van down by the river because we blew all of our money on drs bills. I will say that battling with IF has been such a humbling experience and there have been stories here that have profoundly affected me- yours included. Absolutely nothing can be taken for granted because it can seriously change in an instant. Sending some sunshine from CA to FL...