April2024

April well even though it just started only being 6 days into the month. Daniel was right about Laura going back to her old ways by once again shutting the door as he knew that she would. Once again I feel like I am damaged goods but in my mind I knew she couldn't do it, I guess it is good that it happened this way instead of being down the road. Daniel was right knowing that she couldn't be with Danielle as a female and the thought of her being a lesbian. But is she doing the right thing about going back to the same person? Daniel feels that she is going to fall back into the same abusive relationship as before. Cause people like that do not change, they will only be nice during the first couple of months and end up being controlled again and this time Danielle won't be there for her. But Daniel probably won't allow it and help her again. It seems that people like Laura enjoy being controlled by someone until they realize they haven't changed but then it is to late. Daniel's rule of thumb is three strikes your out policy. I will not allow her back into my life again and get hurt again. She was like me many years ago. I can't say it doesn't hurt but it doesn't hurt as bad before. She doesn't want to be part of Danielle's life as she was willing to share in her dreams only to hear her say that she doesn't have any at all which might be the problem in the first place but she is the only one that can do it.

For now I have to focus on my career to get it on the next level and to worry about my own goals. So far I am waiting on my state return. I just hope no one else wants any money from me and use it for what it is meant to be used for. I started chatting to someone one on butterfly, he is a trans male that maybe I should go and meet this person today I will think about it till I am done with classes. After today I should have one more week and the photoshoot, try to start applying for jobs on the network so I can travel Through Barbizon. Right now I have to meet the designers for fashion week in August at the end of the month.  I just hope that this month will be fruitful.

I see that I made it on the success story in Apex website. I am happy for it. But on the second hand I feel like that I am falling into depression again. Not at the point of suicide but at the point of being tired of working at Arby's and putting up with their crap. The depression is not finding someone to fall in love that I am back to feeling like damaged goods. I can blame Laura for that shit. I tried to tell her that if she wanted to be with me to be with me but of course she went back to her narcist boyfriend, Daniel was right about her track record being shitting but she can have him and being in control by him. Merle still has so much control on me and still won't divorce me. I feel that with all my work and not enough time for myself, I am in a freefall downward. Stressing on trying to find someone even on the dating apps with no luck in finding someone. Why do I have to keep going every year there is something that hurts in my body that I am getting tired of feeling it. My hand, back, spine, and now the muscle spasms. I am getting tired of feeling the pain that I can't stand it.

Once again I find out that my wife had a stroke and I am just finding out 3 days after the fact from her. At first I merle didn't tell me what hospital she was at as I had to call Crozer to see if she was there if not I had to figure out which one she was at. I was glad that they had her listed in one of there rooms. I wanted to go up so badly only to find out that Kaitlyn was by her side and merle didn't want me to take the trip up there because Kaitlyn would start something with me which she is probably right. Knowing her she wouldn't let things go for something like this. I still do not know what her problem is with me. I just wish she would confront me with it instead of keeping things to herself. So we can make mends, I just don't like it and it is not fair for me as well as for her. Maybe she doesn't care as much as I do. No one in the family couldn't even bother to tell me that their mother is the hospital for having a stroke. NO one as this makes me feel empty inside that no one cared to let me know not even Gabby. I would have thought that she would. But it shows that no one cares about me and it proves that I am all alone in this world. It hurts for me to even think it but the truth never lies. It makes me think why should I keep having faith that  my family would change. This just proves to me that they won't not even Gabby. Many times I tell Gabby that I still care for everyone but apparently that doesn't sink in and probably never will. April has been the saddest of anytime in my life as life goes on, but it seems that the set backs are piling up more each and every month. Merle tells me that would want to see me this Saturday, will see. I sent her a message this morning on Friday 12th but no response back and it is already 2:30 in the afternoon. I hope she is out of the hospital. My thoughts were correct that no one would lift a finger to tell me that she was in the hospital. I feel like my kids don't care about me or my feelings. Maybe people are right that I should write them off completely.

April is almost at the end leaving it as a mixed bag. At the present moment I am still attending classes at Barbizon and then the photoshoot. I must say that I am really enjoying myself.

Now back to Daniel, It would seem that I am having a conversations with him, supporting me, telling me to hang on and things will get better, just keep dreaming on working as a model full time, I will feel relieved when I do it full time, having to worry about money and living paycheck to paycheck. I hope and pray to God that he will allow this to transpire.

As of April 29th I do not know how my Grandson or Gabby as I am back to not knowing what is going on. I still pray for them to open their hearts to me.

This month I have past another anniversary making it 5years of leaving my family and starting my new journey.